WFH Single Still-In-College Mom

[kidzonia]

Hello everyone. 

I've been referred to by a professor on this forum. Let me give you a brief description of my situation.

I am 34 years old. I previously finished online certifications and an associate's with UX/UI development and other programming languages. I'm currently working with a company based in Quebec but I'm still in Au doing remote work. 

in 2008 I had broken up an abusive relationship with my ex but carried a little bit of him with me (hah). I've told him about the child but the man is still a bum and wants nothing to do with us. So it's just me and my son.

My son and I were in London for a decade, but when the pandemic hit he and I had needed to go back home because I was an only daughter and my parents were at high risk of covid. Both Au and London were hit pretty badly because of covid too.

I had reconnected with a favorite professor in college sometime during the quarantine, and she had suggested I continue my studies in behavioral sciences (my original degree before I shifted) since everything is online and I just needed a few semesters in. I had said yes and here we are.

My son is really suffering through the transition right now, which I completely understand. I had taken him away from his comfort zone with his friends and had thrown him into a new environment altogether. It also doesn't help that the weather difference between London and Au is drastic in terms of humidity and temperature–he's getting sick far too often these past few weeks. 

We were really close back in London–I had driven him to his soccer games and even played Minecraft with him from time to time but everything had changed when we moved to Au. What with the situation with my parents and everything.

I'm also juggling a ton on my plate too but I'm experiencing a sinking feeling of guilt for not giving him the attention that he deserves. Physical classes have resumed in Sydney and I'm not even sure if he has made any friends yet.

My WFH set-up is also nowhere near ideal. I have to tend to my Dad most of the time and it's just bringing me to a point where I feel like I've maximized whatever bit of energy I have as a student, an employee, and a daughter–and am failing miserably as a mum.

I don't know what was the entire point of my entire thread, I just needed a little breather from everything I guess and I don't really have any social media accounts. Any input regarding my situation on how I can better connect with my son is highly appreciated.

[TOM-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @kidzonia ,

I just wanted to give you a heads-up that I've edited your post to keep it anonymous an de-identifiable. Hope that's okay!

I appreciate you taking the time to write that all out. Reading your last part, I can imagine there's an almost cathartic feeling in at least sharing what's going on for you and holding the space with others. It sounds like you've been doing a really hard role in being a single mum and going through your early adulthood juggling all the responsibilities associated with it (still are, too).

I hear what you are saying regarding  the challenges you see in your son since you've moved back to Aus. It's really hard for kids to be at the precipice of establishing themselves as they enter their teens and finding a sense of identity, only for them to pack up their bags and start fresh.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel your relationship dynamic with your son has changed since moving. I'm sure just like you, they are juggling a lot of things. The guilt you write of, I want to validate and say that it really sounds like you are trying your absolute best. I hope that as things return to the "new post-COVID normal", things can feel a little less tense. Regarding not feeling sure if your son has made friends, it can be really, really, really (and many more really's) difficult to connect as a brand new person with classmates when all they really have to communicate is a webcam and a lot of the time being muted while in class. I hope that in return to physical classes, they can slowly find their feet. 

Please don't be so hard on yourself for having all these responsibilities that you're trying to appropriately prioritise. There's only so much mental and physical energy we have. When we give ourselves permission to wallow in all the things not going right, it can feel suffocating. In saying that I want to ask, is there anything you feel is going right/better for you?

Regarding input with connecting with your son, you mentioned playing Minecraft with them while in London. Do you feel you can still connect with them via videogames/their hobbies? We can only pry so much from our kids, and sometimes we have to be patient both with ourselves and our kids as we go through the challenges. I don't much more input, so I hope others can chime in, but I wanted to pass along Parentline as a resource. It may be helpful to get some professional support. You never know what may help!

I wish you all the best. Keep us updated on how things are going. 

[TOM-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @kidzonia ,

I just wanted to give you a heads-up that I've edited your post to keep it anonymous an de-identifiable. Hope that's okay!

I appreciate you taking the time to write that all out. Reading your last part, I can imagine there's an almost cathartic feeling in at least sharing what's going on for you and holding the space with others. It sounds like you've been doing a really hard role in being a single mum and going through your early adulthood juggling all the responsibilities associated with it (still are, too).

I hear what you are saying regarding  the challenges you see in your son since you've moved back to Aus. It's really hard for kids to be at the precipice of establishing themselves as they enter their teens and finding a sense of identity, only for them to pack up their bags and start fresh.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel your relationship dynamic with your son has changed since moving. I'm sure just like you, they are juggling a lot of things. The guilt you write of, I want to validate and say that it really sounds like you are trying your absolute best. I hope that as things return to the "new post-COVID normal", things can feel a little less tense. Regarding not feeling sure if your son has made friends, it can be really, really, really (and many more really's) difficult to connect as a brand new person with classmates when all they really have to communicate is a webcam and a lot of the time being muted while in class. I hope that in return to physical classes, they can slowly find their feet. 

Please don't be so hard on yourself for having all these responsibilities that you're trying to appropriately prioritise. There's only so much mental and physical energy we have. When we give ourselves permission to wallow in all the things not going right, it can feel suffocating. In saying that I want to ask, is there anything you feel is going right/better for you?

Regarding input with connecting with your son, you mentioned playing Minecraft with them while in London. Do you feel you can still connect with them via videogames/their hobbies? We can only pry so much from our kids, and sometimes we have to be patient both with ourselves and our kids as we go through the challenges. I don't much more input, so I hope others can chime in, but I wanted to pass along Parentline as a resource. It may be helpful to get some professional support. You never know what may help!

I wish you all the best. Keep us updated on how things are going. 

[kidzonia]

Cathartic is a fine way of putting it. It was relaxing to put my emotions into words. 

I'm just really worried for my son. Kids can be hellishly mean, especially to an 'outsider'. We had lived with a Welsh lady across our flat and I think she had a heavy influence on my son's accent since she would watch over him most of the time when I had to do waitress gigs while juggling my remote job. Now that I begin to type this, you're right. I've been juggling things for the longest time.

I try to be a "dad" to my son by playing with him and doing the things he likes... but he has always gotten the exhausted version of me. 

In terms of going better, I'm reassured that my parents are in terrific health and condition. Another bit would be me enjoying my college classes. I feel like I was able to digest what I was feeling and put it out here on the internet just because of my philosophy and understanding of the self classes.

I'm not really sure if he even plays Minecraft anymore. What are kids in Years 8-10 into nowadays? God, I feel old. Good shout on Parentline, will definitely check it out.

Appreciate the beautiful response @TOM-RO ! Many many many (and many more manys, hah) thanks!

[Philippa-RO]

@kidzonia we're really glad you found the response helpful. 

That's good news too that your parents are in such good health - I noticed it sounds like you're feeling pretty stretched; are your parents able to help you out at all so you can have more time to connect with your son?

I think as parents, it's hard to ever really feel like we're doing everything our kids could need, but it sounds like you love your son, he has your support, and you're doing the best you can for him and those things shouldn't be underestimated. 

I hope you can have some time to enjoy your studies and your son, and that both of you can start to feel connected in your new life in a different country.