What do we do when slip up in our parenting?

[Faob_1]

We are struggling with this as it is hard not to respond angrily when being verbally abused and physically threatened by a 14 year old son. He has actually physically harmed me and I am now in pain daily and will need X-rays to determine extent of injury! I am trying so hard to keep him safe, at school after he was expelled from a great school, involved in the sport he loves. In return we get demands, abuse, told we are sh** parents, and he aims to leave and get a guardian. On the plus side he wants mum to dry his washing before he packs to leave home! And each time the police have had to attend he has been in tears. So, help me here please. 

I am doing my darnedest to not yell when I have to pick him up after being beaten up by kids outside maccas, and to care for the injury, and keep calm...even when he had been asked over and over to be home for dinner and I was ignored. He was upset because he had forgotten to go to a job interview that day. It wasn't in our calendar and we all forgot as we were preparing to send him away for the school holidays. So, in his eyes we can't do anything right, and I am at my wits end.

suggestions?

[Schooner]

That's really hard @Faob_1,

We were lucky that we didn't have long periods of aggression from my son, and no actual violence (although I could see he was close once or twice). We did get the demands and abuse, and of course everything was our fault. I kept going, even though it was tough. But, honestly, if it had kept going for much longer I'm not sure I could manage.

You haven't said if your son is on meds. They helped our son a lot, but everyone is different. Hopefully your medical team can guide you. If he is on meds and his behaviour is still off the chart then I'd suggest a review is a good idea. The medical team need to know too if you are exhausted or not, just tell them straight. They seem to take this into account when determining treatment.

My advice would be to make sure you have a break, and have a backup. My wife and I did a tag-team thing a bit, which gave me a break. Can you get some family or friends to help out too? When my son was bad he didn't want to mix with others, but I noticed that having someone else involved would sometimes change the atmosphere enough to change his behaviour. He really likes his aunt, so he would behave a little more when she was around.

Occasionally I would vent at him. I figured that he should understand that I was trying my best and getting exhausted. I think that helped, but it took a while to sink in. A little bit of venting goes a long way, I think.

Good luck, it is a tough road.

[Faob_1]

Thanks, I'll check it out. I have decided to ask 'the village' to help me with raising this child! He is off to stay with family to learn how to snowboard for ten days. Even getting him to agree to that was a nightmare...accused us of trying to get rid of him, when the invitation came from my extended family. We didn't set it up at all, but are abused all the same. Meanwhile friends tell us he's told them how excited he is to be going.
I am shattered, as is my husband. We are providing the safe environment, school supplies, healthy foods, put time into him in terms of going to sport, watching him play, helping him try to change schools to get into the sport program he wants to be in...spend family time with him...but always rejected. We are just a phone, food and transport supplier as far as he is concerned!
Argh!

[Faob_1]

No, no meds. This behaviour is completely out of character and I feel he has become caught up in some nasty business where others are manipulating the strings. And I suspect some drug use.

[taokat]

Hey @Faob_1, I've just left a comment for you in another thread! It's fantastic you're getting a break. Use the time to look after yourself and regain strength! 

It sounds like you are really doing your best to support him and provide the best for him. And as much as they yell and abuse, they really need it. And they love us. There are some great suggestions in this thread to help repair after arguing. Safety always first though.

We've provided some resources in the other thread, and I don't want to bombard you with too much, but if you have a little time while your son is away, have a read of our fact sheet on family conflict and teenagers, which also give some things to try, including ReachOut's free coaching which can give you some valuable strategies to use immediately.  

 The pay's crap and it's an exhausting job! Hang in there! There are always parents here to support. 

[Beingme2017]

So I am starting to take a different approach to beating myself up when I don't handle things well.

Usually I focus on that - I overthink the past, smash myself with guilt and it kind of sets the mood.

What Im trying to do now is stay in a more positive frame and look for where I can have a joke and a laugh where they don't expect it, or sneak in a compliment whenever I can (genuine of course) and grab hugs....

I talk about when they were little, things that kind of build up my bank of GOOD stuff so that when I slip up and that's definitely WHEN not IF, I don't feel so bad - its not quite so unbalanced between when Im feeling like Im doing GOOD stuff compared to the CRAP stuff.

[taokat]

It's so easy to get stuck in the cycle of guilt and beating ourselves up hey @Beingme2017, no matter how much we know how pointless it is! 

I like your plan, I reckon it's an awesome one! Gotta keep those scales balanced.