Which parenting style?

[Ajackson]

Which parenting style is best for me to use? I have a six year old boy (and other children). I am attuned, empathetic and affectionate 42 year old male (who is currently exploring why my high benevolence/altruism doesn't seem to effectively make it into the world).

My "metrics":
• Musical, kinesthetic, intrapersonal, linguistic, spatial, interpersonal are high on my Gardners 9 intelligences (in roughly that order)
• one-on-one closeness > lone wolf > socializing, at least in groups of more than one
• love language is physical touch, with words of affirmation and quality time a distant second
• Personality styles of avoidant, and then dependent, may be somewhat raised at this point
• INFP-T, middling on all letters (58-64%)
Son metrics, it SEEMS thus far
• Logic/math, linguistic, spatial, intrapersonal, musical, high on his Gardners 9 intelligences (in roughly that order)
• Introverted
• Love language quality time then gifts
• one-on-one closeness > lone wolf > socializing, at least in groups of more than one

Addendum - I was told aspects of this may be outdated, but here is at least one coverage of styles: https://www.popsugar.com/family/Different-Styles-Parenting-34557353/amp

Take one example: my son wants only a very small birthday party with no "rambunctious, loud cousins". What is the good thing to do for him, and what would you say my impact is in such items as a parent (on a 1-100 scale)? Or would you say parenting is just a coin flip as to kids' outcomes? Thanks!

[Hannah-RO]

Hi @Ajackson 

Thanks for this post, it's certainly a big question! It is really hard to say which parenting style is best - I'm not sure there is one definitive answer to this question. It's great that you have been so insightful about who you are and who your son is and that your considering how all these things fit together - I think this is a really thoughtful way to look at how we parent.

What ways of communicating with your son have you found to be most effective? Its lovely that you have such an understanding of how he experiences love 

I think the question you have asked about the party is a really interesting and tricky one, I don't think I can say for sure exactly what the impact will be - it can be very hard to know how young people might respond! But maybe having a chat with your son about what the consequences would be/how he would feel given all the options could shed some light? Maybe asking him how he might respond if the cousins were to come and why? For example if he says he feels bullied by those cousins, it might be an idea to leave them out of this party, but if you feel his reason for not wanting them there is unreasonable if could be an idea to explain that to him.

i hope that makes sense! All the best 

[Ajackson]

Thanks. There is no bullying- these are all good kids. His age-mates are just generally not like him - he is very smart, kind, sensitive (https://rainforestmind.wordpress.com/2015/02/05/smart-sensitive-men/) so I can see how he in no fruitful way gets along with the boy cousins around his age. They instead are very physical in nature. My son's teacher has likened him to a stoic professor (I am a huge athlete, and don't know if I should be concerned). He tends toward the oldest cousin, who is a girl 3 years older, as she is the only one with the mind and interests that have a chance to match. See how their is no good fit? I am concerned this will be his life, as it was and is mine... and am trying to better help him.

[Andrea-RO]

Hey @Ajackson, I can hear that you're feeling pretty concerned about your son being quite different from you in personality, but from the sound of things, your son sounds like a happy and healthy kid who just happens to have different interests. It can be concerning for us as parents when we see our child not having the same experiences as we did when we were young, but there's often nothing to worry about. If your son is happy and content with himself, there's no need to push him to do things that he doesn't resonate with.

[Ajackson]

Thanks. However, things can make one "happy" in the short term but not long term, correct? For example, if he appears to be happy staying indoors, not socializing and not developing physically... could that make him immensely unhappy a few years down the road / long term - for example if lack of vitamin d makes him sick, lack of connecting makes him isolated, lack of heart, muscle and bone strength makes him unable to keep up physically.

So I am skeptical to just go off if he is happy right now.

Thanks for the discussion.

[Ajackson]

Also, I am both concerned about him being like me, and unlike me. I assume parents who are "doing well in life" are not as concerned when their kids are turning out / being like them... but unfortunately I have to be terrified for him (if I didn't have a resilience motor deep down, etc, I may not have survived this long).

As for the differences he has, that is both hopeful and terrifying. The hope is maybe it will give him a chance for not as extreme as an experience as me (I already see he is sensitive, but not nearly to the level of empath / emotional / moral sensibilities as me). But then what if the differences are actually a bad thing, leading to a worse experience (more isolated, physically unhealthy, etc)?

I feel like I need a specialized person to help me evaluate the situation and work together with me on a (macro and micro) plan of action that we are convinced is a good one.

[Ajackson]

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/worried-sick-about-your-childs-future-how-to-stop-the-anxi...

But I AM looking for actionable items now.

Also, https://www.sengifted.org/post/this-is-how-boys-are-tough

[Janine-RO]

Hi @Ajackson ,

I think it's wonderful how dedicated you are to being a good parent and researching the best strategies for you. As you've identified, there's a lot of factors come into play, especially in regards to the temperament of the parent and the temperament of your child. 

In terms of parenting styles, the evidence seems to suggest that an authoritative  parenting style is generally linked to positive outcomes for children.  From this article; 

"

Authoritative parenting is characterized by reasonable demands and high responsiveness. While authoritative parents might have high expectations for their children, they also give their kids the resources and support they need to succeed.

Parents who exhibit this style listen to their kids and provide love and warmth in addition to limits and fair discipline. This approach to parenting avoids punishment and threats and instead relies on strategies such as positive reinforcement."

This guide is also quite good in explaining the evidence behind this and different parenting styles that have been described in the developmental psychology literature , and I also came across a more recent journal article that goes into more depth about the nuances of the research. 

If you're wanting some really specific and actionable advice around your child's specific needs, one approach might be to see a clinical  psychologist who works with children and young people - they would be well placed to give you some specific, evidence based strategies to use with your son. I hope this is helpful! 

[Ousais]

What ways of communicating with your son have you found to be most effective? Its lovely that you have such an understanding of how he experiences love