rule sheet for 15 year old rebel teen who is lying and not accepting mistakes

[sangeeta]

Hi all,

I was here last week talking about my teen boy who studies in a boarding. He was caught red handed late at night with a phone  communicating with a girl online , (who he had met in holidays with other friends) and now  he's in school  punished for theses its not allowed to have a phone on you. we both parents are not in favour of this girl as she's suicidal, has depression and come from a broken home. his grades in school had fallen simply because of the communication between them . he lied to us and still continued being in contact with her.

what baffles me is that inspite of being found out, he's not feeling sorry and still wants to stay in touch. 

we went a school counsellor who thinks we are being over harsh on his relationship with this girl

we confiscated his phone and found that he's been in touch with her for a long time.

what do we do??

[Breez-RO]

Hi @sangeeta thank you so much for posting. For starters I can understand your concerns around your Son's welfare and focus. However I think you should also be proud, you mentioned "she's suicidal, has depression and come from a broken home" - Do you think it's possible he has a lot of compassion for her and is concerned about her welfare? It sounds like his support is probably one of the few things keeping her engaged.

I know it's hard. But could you try an open dialogue with him? I.e. instead of reprimanding him for contacting her, ask some open ended questions "Why is she so important to you?" "What do you want from her friendship/connection?" "How can we come to a compromise around your studies and this girl?"

What are your thoughts on this approach?

[sangeeta]

you are absolutely right about the kind of person he is. caring and compassionate. I did have a dialogue with him. and he said, she understands me.

[sangeeta]

what does that mean ? on a virtual plane??

[Breez-RO]

Oh that is awesome that you have had this dialogue @sangeeta

Perhaps from there you two could come up with an agreement whereby he can speak to her but without it impacting his studies? Or if his studies drop to a certain low standard i.e. three times, there needs to be phone restrictions at the boarding school? I think he's at an age where he is becoming a young man and having these adult conversations around compromise is really powerful.

[sangeeta]

I won't be seeing him until 2nd march now. until then its either a mail or when he calls us,

[Sister]

Hi Sangeeta,

You obviously really care for your son a lot. If he is conversing with a girl who is suicidal and depressed, then she is most fortunate to have such a kind son as yours to open up to.

Imagine if the roles were reversed and your son was the suicidal/depressed one? I am sure you would appreciate him having a friend to talk to. Having mental health issues can happen to anyone, Sangeeta.

However......if you are concerned that the telephone conversations are interfering with his studies or the girls problems are wearing him down too much....then it might be a good thing that the phone usage is limited at the school. Possibly you may like to suggest to your son that his friend receive some counselling. That would ease the load a bit for your son. Although he must be a very good friend to have. You have obviously done a great job of instilling kindness in him.

How does he get on with his father? I seem to recall that in a past post that your husband was quite authoritarian in his approach towards your son (?) Forgive me if I am mistaken in this regard, but possibly your son is just grateful to chat with a friend about normal teenage issues. Education is important....but so is happiness.

All the best.