Discipline / Testing New Adult

[Newtothis2019]

Try to summarize best I can. Bought a house with my boyfriend. He has a 14.5 year old son who lives with us full time.

In the past week he is being disrespectful to me. I tried for the most part to brush this off and I continued to maintain to be respectful to him. He is a teenage boy and he moved 45 minutes away and he is starting a new school this week. I felt bad for him.

I did raise a son of my own who is a senior in college so I get teenage years stuff or at least I thought I did.

My boyfriends son jumped on my couch and broke it, scratches appeared on my kitchen table, he picked up my fish with his bare hand even thought I told him not too and more but don’t want to list them all.

Today he started snap chatting me swear words and being disrespectful. I was going to discuss with his dad making up house rules and how to enforce then tomorrow because he works tonight. Rules we can all agree on. He told his dad before he left for work tonight that I was a snitch and that he wasn’t being disrespectful and that I was just sensitive.

Tonight at 1230 am he was using the stove to cook. He woke me up and said there is brown marks on the counter. Well come to find out he did not put a heating pad down on the laminate counter top. It was burn make and bubbles and the laminate was cracking. To make it worse he moved the pot three times.....

I tried to keep my cool. I said I would look at it the morning. I said don’t use cleaning stuff on it because it might make it worse. He said it wasn’t his fault that I put sticky stuff on the bottom of the pan because I was trying to get him in trouble with his dad. The brown marks on the countertop came from the burns....

That’s when I got mad. I didn’t well but I did talk harsh. I said my counter is ruined for life. He said his dads pan is also ruined and that is wasn’t my counter. I said it was just as much mine as his dads. (Really more since I put the $35,000 down on the house last week and his dad hasn’t paid anything). I said that a $5 pot doesn’t amount to anything compared to a counter. He didn’t say sorry he kept saying it wasn’t his fault. I told him to leave it alone and that he couldn’t use the stove without supervision from an adult.

So now I am wondering did he do this for payback or does a 14.5 year old not know how to use a hot pad? And it bothers me that he was not sorry or even care.

This is why I need your help. What would you do? Of course I’m going to talk to his dad and get his opinion.

I am going to stand strong on the no using the stove alone till he learns more. I also need an apology. But wondering if I should ask for him to work off or somehow pay for some of the damages.

Help!

[Bre-RO]

Oh @Newtothis2019  it sounds like you've been doing your best at staying patient in a very frustrating situation. I think it's a good idea to talk this out with his father and come up with a plan together to deal with this - have you had a chance to do that yet? 

@Stepmum34  @Stepmom-1 @stressedstepmom @PapaBill @Dad4good @Stepmamma3 

Does anyone have any insights or tips? 

[JAKGR8]

Hi @Newtothis2019 

This sounds like a dreadful start to your new family relationship. I can see how upsetting it would be for everybody. It is really hard to know what is going through the teens head without know him a little more and he isn't making it easy for you to do this. 

I suggest that you have a good talk with your partner and maybe it would help to have something with the teen you do together...quality time. It doesn't have to be enjoyable but it helps. Maybe cooking dinner, playing games (electronic is fine), listening to music, planning a small considerate act for his dad or another person he loves. I find my kids fluctuate in their attitude to me but when we cook dinner together, even when they don't want to, I get a lot more positive responses to my requests and suggestions. 

I will think about this a little more but in the meantime, big hugs.