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Super frequent scribe

Re: New member? Introduce yourself here!

Thanks Ngaio-RO for the wonderful suggestion.
Scribe

Re: New member? Introduce yourself here!

Hi All

 

1. My daughter is 21year old. Last time that she made me laugh when she had her hair dyed with a very striking colour.

2. I tend to leave her alone, not to speak with her during those time but I dont think it helps solve the problem

3. My problem with her not achieving anything in life, she just stays home all day doing nothing. She doesnt want to study. Always telling me that she will but not. She said she got anxiety but I dont understand about it much.

4. Spend more time with your kids and build a deeper, meaningful relationship

5. Spend time with her, but not. And de-stress from the past hectic week.

 

is there anyone here who is in my situation as in Item3? I'll try to read anything about this that may help me manage this problem. 

Prolific scribe

Re: New member? Introduce yourself here!

Hi Ives101 , 

thank you for sharing . It must be very worrying and frustrating for you to see your daughter shutting herself off from new life experiences and making a happy stimulating life for herself . My suggestion would be 

1. Perhaps do some online research on what anxiety is so that when you chat with her , you can ask her questions to dig a little deeper into what " I have anxiety"  means to her ? How does she know she has it ?  Talk to about her symptoms and how she deals with them when they happen . Anxiety can't be cured but it can be managed in many different ways :  Evidence  based Mindfulness Meditation . You can get an app on her phone called " Smiling Mind " which is age specific . Mindfulness meditation is a skill you learn over time . Like a muscle that is exercised regularly the more you commit to regular sessions over time the better you get at it . 

2. Exercise : Find out what she likes to do and get her plugged in to a team , gym, walking group , yoga etc . Exercise is good for the mind as well as the body . It releases endorphins and other "feel good"  hormones . 

3.  Take her to a GP and get  her a Mental Healthcare plan . She can see a Pyschologist for between 6 - 10 sessions on Medicare . I suggest making sure that the Psychologist is someone who specialises in Anxiety . Sometimes GP's just recommend the local Pyschologist they always refer too , who may not suit your daughters  specific needs . If she doesn't click with him/ her then quickly find another don't be discouraged . For a young adult woman I would suggest a woman pyschologist  but that's just me . 

4 . " Headspace" is a great organisation that specialises in young adult anxiety, depression and psychiatric disorders .You pay according to your income scale . There will be one in your area . They will assess her and give her tips on how to manage her anxiety

5. It may sound silly but organise a dinner party for her friends even if it's only 2 where you create a menu cook the meal with her , dress the table etc . Finding connection with our peers is very good for the psyche . She needs to stay connected to her friends . The less she accepts and initiates get together the more isolated she will become and being alone with your anxiety is compounding ! 

Finding out what the core of her lack of motivation is  pivotal . It may have a physical component or maybe just psychological  , maybe something has happened to her that has triggered the anxiety and she needs to process it with a professional either way you will  be able to  then create a treatment plan that suits her needs .  Treating the anxiety will open the way to helping her decide on a career path , that may not involve studying but take her down a different pathway if she is so inclined .  It is hard to find enthusiasm for anything especially work or study if you are feeling  paralysed by anxiety . Take one step at a time .  When one issue is dealt with effectively move on to the next . Take your time and be gentle with her and yourself . You are doing the best you can and so is she . 

Best wishes to you and your daughter 🙂

 

Active scribe

Re: New member? Introduce yourself here!

Hi @Ives101. My daughter is a bit younger than yours (14) but suffers from anxiety. She is on a mental health plan through our local GP and sees a psychologist. Here's a few things I've learned that may help:

 

I notice that you said your problem is that your daughter hasn't achieved anything in life. By far the best thing that has worked for me is not placing my expectations on my daughter, which has been, and continues to be, an enormous task for me as I'm a bit of an over-achiever. I can see that my daughter has huge potential in a number of areas. She's highly intelligent but failing school. She's enormously talented as a dancer but won't do dance classes. I worry every minute of every day that she's going to regret the choices she's making but I've had to learn to let that go and just let her be who she is which for now is a young person who needs a lot of space and time to work through things. She needed to know that I respect her for who she is and since I've backed off things have got a lot better. It's still always very hard. I just judge each day as it comes and when I can see we're having a good day I push a little bit - get a bit of conversation or get her to walk the dog or clean the kitchen. Other days I have to let things go and just look for the opportunity to sit on her bed and have a 5 minute chat.

 

I can't urge you strongly enough to get her to talk to a professional -  a counsellor or psychologist or even just her GP. And you should speak to someone to as you need to be able to unload your stress and concerns on someone who can guide you and support you. As my daughter is younger she is happy for me to sit in on her sessions and I find they're really useful. My daugher's psychologist explained to her that whilst anxiety is very real and will impact her in a variety of ways, she must not let it disable her or use it as an excuse to not challenge herself. Keep in mind a challenge for my daughter used to be something as "simple" as getting out of bed, and somedays she didn't. Now she gets up most days and goes to school. She doesn't have a lot of friends but she mentions names of kids she's talking to. The psychologist has given her, and me, lots of different tools to work with, it has made all the difference for both of us.

 

Is there another adult in her life that she respects or has a good relationship with? My daughter loves her calisthenics coach so I've recruited her to give my daughter various challenges and responsibilities. Now my daughter helps her calisthenics coach with the younger kids on a Saturday morning. Just one more excuse to get her out of bed and into life. She goes straight back to bed when she gets home but I figure that 2 hours coaching is better than nothing.

 

Finally, remember that anxiety, like any health issue, is tiring. My daughter legitimately needs more down time than someone who's brain isn't frantically trying to deal with daily activities. Before my daughter has even got out of bed she's completely freaked out about what lies ahead - all the 'what ifs' life might throw at her that day. By recess she's exhausted. A full day of school is a marathon. So when she does rise to any challenge I acknowledge it by giving her a lot of room to decompress afterwards.

 

I hope you might be able to use some of this. Good luck and hang in there. Voicing your concerns is the best place to start so you're on the right track.

 

Super frequent scribe

Re: New member? Introduce yourself here!

Mum_of_four well done for the greatest gift love and support.
Prolific scribe

Re: New member? Introduce yourself here!

Excellent advice ! Your point about just letting her decompress after 2 hours of calisthenics volunteering is very salient. When I suffered from lack of motivation due to depression, just achieving one positive thing a day was a " credit" in my emotional well being bank and these credits can build momentum. Creating a well of happy positive experiences to combat the negative thinking is a valuable tool to helping us best manage our anxiety.

The other activity I used to do when I  had shut myself in from the world is use the time resourcefully if you have the psychological capacity for it . Reading lots of books you are interest in is a great way to relax, rejuvenate  and educate yourself if you want to.   I would read books on emotional welbeing or depression, and biograhies of girls like me who overcame their obstacles to achieve their goals. If this is not your daughter's genre then Harry Potter will do lol !! Books stimulate your creativity and exercise your ciritical thinking abilites so either way its a positive utlisation  of down time.

Prolific scribe

Re: New member? Introduce yourself here!

Hi Reach Out

I am a single mum working full time. I have two adorable teens a boy 16 and a girl 13. The simplest of things make us laugh usually something they show me from You Tube to be honest or an observation they have of life. My son is undiagnosed yet Autistic and my daughter I feel has many traits. Both are high functioning - however both struggle - my son presently does not go to school. There are many issues Inc anxiety and general life skills and a past of trauma.

I live and breathe yoga and mindfulness as a day to day tool to not only survive but see the beauty in our lives.

Reachout was an option for me when I didn't have support - just having an anonymous space without judgement yet compassion helps.

Teenage years present challenges which require not a perfect parent yet support of unconditional love helping them make sense of what's important for them - Never lose faith in yourself or your teen - your best is good enough - trust your intuition and wisdom - that's why they chose you as their parent
- to be YOU so they can be THEM.

Weekends are great to offer a break from having to . Time to simply have opportunity to hug more 🤗
Prolific scribe

Re: New member? Introduce yourslf here!

Yes great to hear your comment about best years at school - it is not always the case - it can get better - the world can be a wonderful canvas on which to paint their picture & choose their colours or if they wish use any creative medium of expression they choose
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Prolific scribe

Re: New member? Introduce yourslf here!

@waldo-pepper
Yes consistency in some forms does not suit I agree.
There is a phrase - I forget lol.
In essence it says how do you expect to find a solution by trying the same thing over and over again.
Saying that embracing 'Change' makes a great consistent tool in our world - a wonderful learning journey of life
Super contributor

Re: New member? Introduce yourself here!

Welcome @Ives101

 

Thank you so much for introducing yourself. You've had some amazing responses 

We try not to let all these quality responses get lost in this thread, so how would you feel about starting a new post about the issue as you see it?

It might be about your daughter's anxiety combined with how it's affrecting her desire to do stuff. Or it can be about something else.

Don't worry if you feel you're repeating yourself, I can always move the replies over there.