Hard time bonding with boy friends child

[Sunflowermom89]

Hi. I’m 33 and have 3 kids of my own and I’m a few months into a new relationship. Because of certain situations we had to move in together very quickly. I moved in with him and his 10 yr old son. My youngest is with us daily but my older two come on the weekends because I don’t live in the same school district at the moment or I’d get them more. So we moved in to his place that was just him and his son right after thanksgiving and it hasn’t been easy. This boys mom sucks and has turned him into a jerk. This kid is difficult to the max and had been for years. To the point schools have kicked him out and at 6 dad had to sit at school with him for weeks because his behavior was out of control. I go out of my way to treat this kid just like my own and make his life better but it’s never good enough he’s always miserable and combative and disruptive. No matter what we do this kids never happy. He purposely drives everyone nuts and treats us rudely but wants things. I have had a hard life from childhood up and I finally find a person that I need and makes me happy and makes my whole world better but it’s getting to the point I can’t stand his son being around. I know he knows how bad his son is we talk and are very open. He needs breaks from him himself. I let him know how much I’m struggling with this I don’t want him to ruin our relationship. I beat my self up for feeling this way about a child and I try to reach out to this kid but he does everything possible to drive everyone nuts, he constantly running and jumping around the house, climbing furniture, getting into my kids stuff when they aren’t around(stealing, breaking, ruining), making messes everywhere like a toddler, ruins every outing with his none stop complaining and crying that he’s not having everything just the way he wants it, has a smart mouth and never shuts up, never listens to anyone, had to be the center of attention all the time, can be a rude jerk to everyone but anyone looks at him wrong it’s the end of the world. He’s constantly starting stuff with my kids to the point my kids won’t want to be here and see their mom because he makes it so unbearable. It broke my heart Christmas my one kid was not able to be there and he was so bad my other two didn’t want to spend the rest of the day with me. My oldest is 13 and she try’s even with this kid and he just makes it so hard. We were hoping he was just transitioning but there’s no light in sight. My youngest was having issues when we first moved in but has come around and my bf and her have bonded and get along great now and I wish I could have that with him but it’s not happening. Like I feel like a **bleep** but this kids already like one step away from his dad sending him to military school and at this point im hoping he does or starts spending more time with his mom at this point the only break I get is when his mom decides to be a mom. I feel like I should be able to relate to this kid I had a shifty childhood and his mom has put him threw a lot but even being abused I never treated anyone like this or even acting like this I don’t get it. I just feel like I finally found my happily ever after and it’s being ruined by him and I feel like a **bleep**ty person for just wishing he didn’t have a kid and I didn’t have to deal with this. If you knew all the **bleep** I’ve been threw the last yr you would know how this is alot. I just want to be happy for once and I am just not when this kids around and I live with him so I will take any advice you can offer. I do discuss this with my therapist as well. Sometimes I feel like I try and try and get no where and other times I feel like I’m stubborn and don’t want to like him or connect as I do have my own issues cptsd and adhd but no matter what it is I need to figure out a way to fix this. I feel like **bleep** because ya my kids aren’t perfect but I can handle them and the things they do so much better I’m hoping with time this will all get better.

[Philippa-RO]

Hi @Sunflowermom89 and welcome to the forums - we're glad you joined the community.
It sounds like you're going through a really challenging time with a lot of change.

It's hard to adapt to living with new and different people at the best of times, and it seems like there are a lot of extra difficulties you're facing right now with your partner's son's behaviour.

From what you said, your partner seems to be on the same page in terms of finding his son's behaviour challenging - is that right? If so, I'm wondering if his son has had any professional support with his behaviour? Is that something your family might be open to?

When your partner's son is visiting, is there anything you can do to get some breaks and time away to recharge? Do you have much support for yourself or people you can talk to?

I just wanted to say I can hear that you don't like feeling this way about a child, and it's not how you'd like things to be. I really respect your courage in acknowledging the struggle you're having, reflecting on it and seeking support.

We're here to listen to you and to help however we can. 

[Sunflowermom89]

Hi thank you for your response. Yes my partner is on the same page he him self has trouble bonding with this kid. His behaviors and attitude make it so he burns every bridge. Not even family will baby sit him no more. He is in 5th grade working on lower level stuff only because his behaviors keep him from learning and he does it because doesn’t want to work. I wanted to do stuff over break but I can’t with him here because he will none stop complain and start fights with everyone. Every outing he’s gone with he makes it miserable for everyone. We all do things to make it easier on him to make him happy and it’s never good enough. He makes my son so miserable with his bossy entitled attitude to the point my son doesn’t even want to be with me on my time with him because of this kids behavior. I’m going to plan an outing with my kids without him when I get my taxes I want to have them and enjoy our time together without the drama. I have issues that have me staying at home but I’m at the point I might find a sitter for my youngest and get a job I’d rather deal with my health issues then being stuck at home with this kid at this point. Everyone else has given up on this kid he pushes everyone away and he pushes me too much. Idk if having a relationship is even possible with this kid I hate to say that but I really think the only hope for him is military school and I think he is going there as soon as he’s old enough. He just likes being an **bleep** hole and wants the whole world to bend down and make him happy. He wants to literally be homeless when he grows up because he doesn’t want to learn to do anything for him self and doesn’t want to work. No punishments phase him. At this point I feel like I need to accept that he this way we won’t have a relationship and I just have to deal with it

[Iona-RO]

Thanks for your reply @Sunflowermom89 

It sounds like it is very stressful for you and your family at the moment. Have you or your partner tried talking to his son about why he behaves in this way? A lot of children tend to act out in disruptive ways because they don't know how to process or deal with how they are feeling. Would your partner consider organising for his son to see a therapist? He might be dealing with something he doesn't feel comfortable talking about and chatting to a professional might help.

We have a great article here that talks about blended families and some of the common issues that brings, that you might find helpful. Here's also a link to an array of support services available for parents in your area if you feel you need some extra support too.