Help with a 16 year old son

[ChloeBeau]

So I have a 16 year old (nearly 17) I’ve been broken up with his father for nearly 3 years, his father is controlling and manipulative and not a very nice person. I don’t discuss his father in front of him and try to be civil about him if he is talked about which is rarely but I know his Dad doesn’t give me the same respect.

So his dad has had multiple girlfriends over the 3 years and I’ve never introduced a guy to my son until last week, I introduced a really lovely guy that I really like and my son was nice to him and chatted to him etc, he stayed over (which my son knew about) and my son literally lost the plot in the middle of the night accusing me of having sex with him. I explained to my son that I’m an adult and I’m sorry if it bothers him that I’ve moved on but I’m not going to not live my life 3 years later, it’s not like I’ve introduced hundreds of guys; this is the first one ever, 5 days later he is still moody and not talking to me properly; I’m just ignoring the behaviour now because I’ve tried the other ways and they haven’t helped.

Has anyone got any advice? He’s normally a lovely kid and I’m struggling with the way he’s behaving. I don’t want to disregard his feelings but on the other hand he’s ignoring me, behaviour is rude and awful, stomping around the house, he’s not my father and this is my house and the first person I’ve ever introduced, I mean my son is able to have sex he’s that old so I don’t understand why he thought me dating someone wouldn’t be that ever.

Thank you for any advice or help,

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @ChloeBeau, welcome to ReachOut and thank you so much for sharing your story. Dating can be a challenge with kids still at home, so you are totally not alone in that. As you said, it is a normal part of life that you are eventually going to be dating again. It must be so difficult for you to juggle dating on one hand and your son's behaviour on another. It may be something you have tried, however it might be beneficial to try to understand where your son is coming from. While the situation may not change and it is something your son will have to get used to it, it may help for you to acknowledge how your son is feeling (e.g hurt, angry) and make him feel reassured and understood. For example, saying that 'it is my house' could imply that he is worried about another man taking over. He could also have other common concerns that you will spend less time with him or that he will be expected to listen to your new partner. You could chat about these concerns but also ways that the situation could be made more comfortable for everyone. You may not be able to make the situation more comfortable for him, however it will at least help your son to feel like he has some control over this situation and that you deeply care about how he is feeling. For example, you could both agree that you will respect your son by doing XYZ but you also expect that your son will be respectful by doing XYZ too. It is such a tricky situation and no right answer. I think it is great that you are trying to catch onto this early though!

If you are looking for more support or to chat this through further, there is a telephone line called Parent Line. It provides counselling and a wide range of resources to chat through any parenting concerns. All the best and please feel welcome to keep us updated! 

[ChloeBeau]

Sorry that wasn’t clear, I didn’t say that to him, I thought it, I wouldn’t say it’s my house because it’s his house but I also am very lenient when it comes to his friends coming over etc and I think it just riled me.

I will definitely take your advice on board thank you very much for replying, it’s so hard to work out what’s best for them

[Birdwings]

Hi @ChloeBeau,

I wanted to say hello and offer you support even though my husband and I are still married. However, we do have a 16 year old son and he can be truly delightful with a caring heart and beautiful smile, but he can also be very demanding and expect us to be at his beck and call. 

Our son recently had a week of work experience and needed to be driven half an hour each way and I did the afternoon shift. I had to make a difficult turn into heavy traffic and get across into the right hand lane. Well, he became very controlling telling me how to drive and doing everything but taking hold of the steering wheel. There were days we were silent all the way home and I'd be fuming. Before I had our kids, I worked in marketing management and have always been independent-minded and the idea that my son who lord it over me like that and be a male chauvinist pig or whatever else you call it, shocked me. It was unacceptable and most of the time he later apologises but he clearly needs to pull his head in. 

Part of my thinking is that he's getting close to being 18 and becoming an adult and I guess it's not surprising that he wants to rule the roost and be in charge. However, they still need to know their place in the pecking order. They are not the boss! 

I'd be interested to hear from Reach Out staff on this. 

Good luck and you at least have me on your side.

Best wishes,

Birdwings

[TOM-RO]

Hi @Birdwings,

Thank you for joining to provide your support and share your experiences.

Teenagers can be really tough. They are at a stage where they're transitioning form childhood to adulthood and this time can be very challenging not only for them but for their families too. It is very common for teenagers between the ages of 14-17 to have an many more arguments with their parents as they struggle for more independence. This is the hard part of parenting when it comes to working with a challenging teenager.

As @Taylor-RO mentioned there is no right or wrong answer here and Parent Line would be another helpful service if you would like some extra support around this with a counsellor.

The parents sections on the kids helpline website also has some helpful information for parents in supporting your teens.

Best wishes!

[Jennifer45]

This behavior is normal for resentful children, just give it time.