Issues with my son

[Lizberry251]

My son is 25 and has had ADHD since the 2nd grade. His bio dad has never been present his step dad has been his dad since age 2. He became really defiant as a teen and never liked authority or his dad putting his foot down. My husband became resentful but still we never stopped loving him. He is in and out of the house, doesnt take medication anymore just smokes weed constantly. He doesnt pay rent, doesnt help around the house and just blew up at us because we told him not to smoke in front of our house. He got aggressive then says i take his dad's side over his.. but he is 25!! Says we never support him etc. I try to continue to talk it out. My husband is over it. My son just left and says he is no longer going to communicate with us any more. He feels his dad doesnt want a better relationship and we dont care. I cant make anyone do anything they dont want to do. I dont know how to stop this pattern. No matter how we help him he doesnt appreciate any of it. I dont want to give in and repeat the pattern but i dont want him to think i dont care either. Do we need time apart? He now says he is no longer calling him dad. And i know that will break my husbands heart ..he is the only dad he has ever known...please help

[Bre-RO]

Hi there, @Lizberry251, and thank you for opening up to us about your son. 

I'm so sorry to hear that your son has said he will no longer communicate with you and your husband. I can imagine how hurt and stressed the two of you must be. It sounds like you're loving parents, and setting boundaries is part of that. Although the situation has escalated and emotions are running high, I want to acknowledge that the two of you clearly have his best interest at heart - which probably makes it all the more painful when things blow up. 

As a step-child, I witnessed my brother go through similar issues with my step-dad - if I can provide any reassurance, it would be that the closeness shared between step-parent and child trumps these times of resistance - a life-long bond is hard to break. That's not to say it's easy in the present moment! 

Provided your son is safe, it sounds like some breathing space might not be the worse thing for the three of you. How are you feeling about him being out of the house? 

I'm curious to know whether you'd find it helpful for us to send some support services to you? I'd be happy to send through some ADHD and drug use specific resources to you if so. 

Hope to hear back from you, and take care.