Step parent conflict

[Noname1]

I have two children 15-18. I married four years ago and the children have been living with us for 18 months. My Husband - their step parent - critiques the children a lot, the kids have over heard him talking poorly about them and stating that we would be happier if the kids were not with us.
Some months all is very good , but every three months a huge issue starts out of nothing and it becomes pretty horrible to be in the house.
I married deeply in love but am struggling to see a future with my husband. He has mentioned his desire for the eldest one to find a home and not live with us after she’s 18.
No matter how much I love this person, I feel I’ll fail my children if I stay.
I guess I’m just searching for reassurance as I’m so scare of making the wrong decision

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Noname1, thank you for sharing your story. That sounds like a really difficult position to be in as a parent. You can tell that you really care about your children and want what is best for them. There is no wrong or right decision - all you can do is make a decision based on what you think is best for your family right now. That doesn't mean that your next step will be easy to take - so I don't blame you for needing a little reassurance. Have you thought of attending counselling either as a couple or individually? There is also a service called Parent Line which also offers telephone support.

Please feel welcome to keep us updated Hopefully you recieve some support from the community soon. 

[Noname1]

Thank you Taylor, I really appreciate your response.I suggested couples therapy but my husband says they’re not his children and he shouldn’t go to therapy for this. He says therapy is something, we (my children and I should take). I’ll check parentline soon. Thanks again.

[Ifeelthesame]

@Noname1 i have two sons 14-16 and your story is a mirror image of my issue i have with my husband (the step parent) I hate conflict between myself, my children and us a family. I hope you have found some resolution in your issues as I am yet to find some in mine. I'm nearly at the point of moving out with the boys so they can finish their schooling to make it easier......i dearly love my husband to bits..

One of my biggest problems is that my husband has had his time with raising his 5 boys ( all in their 20s and 30s) and i believe he struggles to realise i need to raise mine and not just wish they would grow up quickly and go ( big generation gap issue). they are not disrespectful boys and have never been raised like that but my husband disagrees... its a struggle and I'm really stuck  

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Ifeelthesame 

Issues with coparenting is something we see a lot of on our forum, you're certainly not alone in experiencing these challenges, thanks for sharing them with us. I'm sure @Noname1 will also feel comforted by your post as well, knowing they aren't alone 

It must be really challenging that your children and your husbands children are at very different life stages, have all the children spent a lot of time together? 

I'm wondering about how your husband is feeling about the possibility of you moving out with your children while they finish school? Is this an idea he supports?

It is really lovely how much you clear care about your children and want them to be supported  You deserve support for yourself as well, Taylor mentioned Parentline above they are a counselling service for parents that might be worth looking into if you wanted to get some one-on-one support .

All the best 

[Ifeelthesame]

My children and my husbands children have never spent time together, reason being the age gap-HIs children have families of their own now. 

He would not want me to move out and would not support it if i was to mention it. He has been apart of my children's life for a good 7 years and the struggle now for him is the teenage years- him raising his children back in the 90's when they were teenagers is a lot  different to raising my  children now and that is the struggle he has. my children have always been taught if they want something special they have to earn it... they have jobs... great friends... great school.. do sport...do their homework...... are always polite.... don't get themselves in trouble. Yes they might back chat or Roll their eyes but dont all teenagers??????

i will be looking into further help somehow, somewhere (parents helpline) and glad...curious that I have been able to stumble across this forum. 

thank you 

[Noname1]

I left the house because I didn’t see another way. He said he’d do anything for us so I suggested therapy and after two sessions he said he couldn’t do it anymore. We kept trying but the same issues kept on showing up.

All I learnt from this is that it’s nearly impossible to have a relationship let alone a marriage with someone that can’t welcome my children with a genuine intention of building a relationship with them. Whoever loves me should at least care for those I love... doesn’t have to love them but definitely can’t dislike them. today I asked him to give me time and space so we both can evaluate our situation. In my heart I don’t think I’m the right person for him...and even though I love him dearly I’m letting go of everything I dreamt of. Extremely sad...

I wish you the best... only you know what your situation is and what’s the best for you and your family.

[Taylor-RO]

Hello @Ifeelthesame, thank you for sharing. It sounds as though you wish your two families were better connected. I am wondering about the impact this is having on the relationships within your family? What you have mentioned about raising children is very true - parenting style can vary over time and it can also vary between people too. Does your husband disagree with how you parent your teenagers?

Hi @Noname1, I am so sorry to hear about your experience with your husband. It sounds like it has been a challenging journey and your attempts to repair the relationship have only gone so far. It is so heart breaking to feel stuck and to have to let go of someone. Do you have any supports for yourself throughout this? Thank you for sharing your experience to help someone else.

@Noname1 and @Ifeelthesame, please feel most welcome to continue to post updates on our forums.