Hey @Theformermissm , So sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter and the aftermath. While we don't live in a rural town, we're outside Sydney and live in a fishbowl where there are no secrets and people remember what happened when you were three and could still hold it against you at 20.  I agree that talking to the school would be a good idea. In my experience, the teachers are very compassionate and they work hard to sort out complex situations like this everyday and in my experience do a great job. You get this pack mentality at school and kids can turn on someone very quickly and do a lot of damage. A girl "cheated" on one of my son's friends and that group of boys shunned the girl. I didn't know exactly what happened but I let a teacher know when we were talking about something else because I was concerned about her wellbeing.  Who knows what the boy has been saying to people and I know from what I hear from my kids no one likes a "snitch".  The response your daughter has had naturally concerns me as a woman because we want women to come forward and if they get ostracized and treated in this way by their peers, they're going to keep quiet.  As an aside and as a mother of a 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter, I wonder if enough is being done to educate our young people about initiating and restraining physical contact and making sure signals are clear and either the guy or girl can put on the brakes and stop physical contact and get away. I haven't discussed this in much detail to my son, although I have talked about it with our daughter mainly because she's going to parties and has been undertaking risky behaviours. It's not a gender based decision as our son is mostly on his computer. I spoke to my Great Aunt who is in her 80s and she told me how she and her friends used to manage guys with "wandering hands" back in her day. They were pretty cluey. I was out of my depth as a young person and we didn't have the Internet back then for better or worse. There was just Dolly Doctor.  In the meantime, it sounds like you're doing a great job encouraging your daughter and being there 200% for her. Have people in town reacted to you at all or said anything to you directly?  Lastly, perhaps encouraging your daughter to find a new group of friends. I don't know how isolated you are where you live, but perhaps she could venture further afield at least for awhile to get a breather. It sounds pretty intense where she is at the moment and building up her confidence away from all these people with a fresh start might be a good thing. I hope this helps and I hope you don't mind me extending this topic, but I thought it might help other people out there to address some of the broader issues.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Dadof3boys, Although this is a forum for teenagers, I thought I'd say hello because I was really stoked to see how much you love and care for your boys and you sound like a really involved and loving Dad. I remember what it was like when our two were young and how tired we were and I hear you. I actually ended up at a night that was more intended for Mums of young kids last night and was reminded of that phase of life again.  Here are a few phrases I remember from when our kids were young and at daycare or playgroup. Put their hand up and say :"Stop I don't like that". There was a constant encouragement for them to "use your words".  Another one would be to take a deep breath.  Another piece of advice I was given when my son was about 4 and I could 've used it early on is that boys need to go for a run every day.  I don't know if you're boys are going to playgroup but that's been fantastic for our family. We still live in the same house and my daughter has known her two best friends since she was born and my son has known his mate since he was one or two. We weren't always on the same page at the time and sometimes fights and issues between the kids caused trouble between the parents, but it was a great experience.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings.  ... View more

Hi  @concernedmother, You and I could go out for coffee and have a bit to talk about. I have a 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter. Neither of them are doing their chores. Our son is generally pretty chatty and we have him set up on a computer in our loungeroom and while he might listen to music with head phones and zone out a bit, he's generally part of what's going on. He's more into gaming and isn't into the party scene. However, our daugher has jumped ahead of herself and is hanging out with kids in our son's year and going to parties and walking around til all hours of the night and keeps ignoring and lying to us. She'd also been almost completely withdrawn from us for about 3 months and I felt like we'd lost her. She often stayed at a friend's house as well. It sent a pretty clear message that she didn't want to be with us and I have to admit I was pretty heartbroken but kept it in. When someone withdraws like this, it's hard to know how to respond. It's tempting to start jumping up and down and do your block and resort to some of those behaviours from "the good old days". The two things which come to mind there are about the parent "putting their foot down" and this somehow makes you a good parent with everything under control. The other saying was "While you're living under our roof, you'll live by our rules". This worked once upon a time when kids respected their parents and seemed to do what was expected of them by and large. These kind of ultimatums don't seem to work anymore. At least, they don't work in our household. My daughter has a friends who is homeless and he really seems to lead the life living at a tent at the beach and her gets free wifi at the surf club and can charge his phone at Maccas. This all seems like a idyllic lifestyle in many ways and doesn't help our efforts to instill discipline and order.  So, instead of going in all heavy-weight, I've been working more towards building connection. Starting small. I stopped asking the kids to do their chores for awhile as it was pointless and just trying to get her to open up. She's now talking to me more about things. We've been out for coffee and shopping and her friend likes me which is good. I drive them around and have made it clear I'm available. Some local youth got into a nasty car accident recently and I don't want her or her friends caught out like that.  It is hard to maintain my own boundaries with this approach. However, that's where we're headed now by putting some ground rules together with some consequences which we've work out with her. The other thing which we're trying to do and I encourage you on as well is to notice when they do something good. Positive reinforcement on the good they do is far more powerful than commenting on the negative.  I'd try to build some connections with your daughter and find something that you like to do together. Perhaps at first keep them short and sweet but try to ensure they go well.  I understand how tempers can fray and things can escalate when you're frustrated but getting physical when anyone is angry could lead to serious regrets and good people can make mistakes and do things which go against their core values. If any of you find yourselves getting hot under the collar, try to take a few deep breaths, walk away.  I'm not sure how to get the kids to do their chores. My husband has mentioned reinstituting the star chart. Their pocket money goes direct into their accounts but I've thought about addressing that and giving them a basic amount and they need to earn the rest and make sure they earn it.  Christmas is coming up and so maybe you can think of something special to do.  I hope this helps and it might help to read some of the posts I've made over the last couple of days as we've had a lot to deal with ourselves. Best wishes, Birdwings. ... View more

Hi joanne123, You can get a referral to a psychologist through your GP, but someone else could give you better info about that. I've been able to get some free counselling sessions through Carers NSW because we are registered carers. Occupational therapists can also provide good support.  Hope that helps.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Allanah, I'm not sure whether you are new to the parent forum , or new to me. So, I will start off by saying hello and welcoming you here and that I hope you're okay despite what's going on with your son. I have a 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter so I'm not far behind you and I also hear about what goes on with my friends and their teens and from my kids about their friends' troubles at home. It forms a bit of a mish mash in my head...a pea and ham soup of sorts. However, an older friend said to me today that there's support for teens, but it's the parents who need it. That's been my feeling too. There was a lot of support when our kids were small and with playgroup etc. and my connections with my friends and the parents of my kids friends has really dropped off. It wasn't such a big deal and I wasn't all that concerned because we ran into each other around school and activities. However, thanks to covid, we've become quite disconnected. I've started trying to reconnect lately once I realized that all the teens were all connected and we parents were left in the dark. However, I digress.  Our son has intermittent anger outbursts, and can be quite abusive at times. My Dad asked me if I'd asked him what was wrong. Sometimes I had and other times, I hadn't. So asking him what's going on for him and using the phrase: "Are you okay?" I know people talk about depression being a cause of problems and also leading to suicide. However, frustration is also huge and I know that some of my worst moments when I was young, were around frustration.  I would ask if he has some things he's good at and whether he is able to develop these things.  Also, getting out for a walk, run, exercise are good ways of letting off steam.  These all work as prevention.  I also struggle with young men being abusive and violent towards their parents, and this is a form of domestic violence and you have a right to feel and be safe in your own home. This is something I feel very strongly as an issue but it's much harder when it's your own child and the waters get very murky. There are usually triggers for our son and we can work around it, and I am also a safe place for him to blow up and I usually don't take it personally. Getting teens to see someone is difficult most of the time. So, I'd recommend that your husband and yourself get some counselling and strategies for responding. Maybe this can help you to change and improve the situation in some way. I hope that helps.  Best wishes, Birdwings   PS On re-reading through this, I wanted to mention taking care of yourselves and getting a break. Some self-care. Is there anything you do for self-care? That's something I need to work on myself.  ... View more

Hi Amber, Great to hear from you. How's your week been? Hope it's gone well.  How old are your kids?  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi @Wondermumma ,  As a Mum of a 16 year old boy and 14 year old girl, I relate to your dilemma. My issues with our son revolve around him not dressing up and the usual thing of making sure he's had a shower, used deodorant etc. With our daughter, I think her school skirt is probably too short already, but she's mainly wearing PE uniform as she's quite sporty and dances. However, where I can relate is that she wears these really long jumpers with shorts underneath where you can't see the shorts. This is at least a trend where we live and looks like they've forgotten to put pants on to me. There are times I insist on her putting longer pants on underneath but to be honest, I'm not winning the battle. Our daughter is very petite and also dances a lot.  While these clothes are very short and odd from my perspective, they're not especially sexual, but clearly aren't modest and providing a lot of coverage.  I have had to think a lot about my role as their parent. I don't ant to be their best friend and "yes" person all the time. I think it's our role to challenge them. Disagree. Not always tell them what they want to hear. Raise issues from a different angle. Expand their thinking. However, there is a danger that if we position ourselves somewhere very different to the cultural norms and what other parents are allowing, that they'll stop connecting with us and set up their own world.  Our daughter withdrew into her room for a few months this year and I really felt like I was losing her. I had to work hard but delicately to lure her back out. She's naturally more of an introvert and she spends time connecting with her friends in her room. I felt like I was old hat. I've had to isolate due to covid and so we couldn't do a lot of the activities we used to do together outside the house.  So, when it comes to your daughter and the skirt, I'd ask her not to hitch it up when she's with you and she can tell her friends that's your rules if she sees them and feels embarrassed. I'd also talk to her about how people make impressions of people and about the importance of being respected.  I don't know if you have special time with your daughter like going out for coffee or a walk etc but that's something I'm working towards with my kids now they're getting older and more independent. It's important to create an environment where they'll talk to you about stuff and feel safe and not judged too harshly. At the same time, it's also difficult when they tell you things which you're not happy about and I'm finding it difficult to then switch hats and try to reign them in. I don't know whether I'm making it more complicated, but I think dealing with teens is complicated and we're needing to weigh up their opinions, feelings and desires versus our own along with the desire to see them succeed, be happy and stay safe. This quotes particularly resonates with me: ' Life is not meant to be easy, my child, but take courage, for it can be delightful. George Bernard Shaw. I hope this helps.  Best wishes, Birdwing. ... View more

Hi Everyone, This is Birdwings, and I'm really pleased that Reach Out has decided to run with the idea of a weekly coffee share. I've been doing this for a few years through my blog and have made some wonderful friends around the world.  However, I'm really feeling the need to mix with other parents, especially within Australia and to just share about parent stuff now that we're isolated from so many of our friends and networks due to Covid.  This really came to my attention last weekend when my daughter told me there had been a massive car crash locally and one of my old coffee friends from when the kids were in infants school, her son was in the car. I haven' seen her for years, and many of these friendships have slid since my kids went into high school. However, what this incident particularly called to mind, was that our teens have a very extensive network of contacts vis snapchat, Instagram, their phones and just walking around the local area. They could all meet up at the local park, party, beach very easily and us parents could be none the wiser. So, now I'm trying to spread my tentacles a bit. This is different to being a helicopter parent who hovers very noticeably above the surface. This is more long range and possibly even underground. Just needing to be aware and if alarms go off, being able to respond. If this sounds like a military operation, it's because I'm researching WWI and it's made me aware that my own game plan is rather deficient.  We've also had some really good things happening lately. Our son was doing work experience last week, which went really well and our daughter competed in her first dance competition possibly even for this year. It's certainly been a long time. She did really well, but what really matters is that we were all back there again and all these dancers have persevered through covid, doing classes at home through zoom and not given up. It was hard for us because the classes were on during dinner time and we were all shut out in the loungeroom until she finished.  Has their been something like that going on at your place?  I was also wondering if you have any pets? We have three dogs. One's a bit older, but the other two are border collies crosses and very high octane. They've loved Covid with having us at home, and got a lot of extra walks when the kids were doing school from home.  My personal interests aside from my writing and research include baking, photography and I'm also trying to resurrect our garden.  I look forward to hearing from you! Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi strs21, I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter is self-harming. We've had things along these lines happen with our kids and family members and it's very distressing and can feel rather overwhelming. I wanted to reassure you that you have the capacity to help her and to find appropriate professional help. While professional help is good and in some cases really needed, I think it's also important to remember that us mere mortals also have an abundant capacity to make a difference in our loved ones lives and that while the problem might seem or be big, the solution or a pathway through the problem might be relatively simple or a collection of small changes. My first port of call would be building connection with your daughter. Go for a drive, walk with her. You haven't mentioned why she is doing the self harm or if you're aware of the trigger. Maybe trying to find this out will allow you to help resolve or address that. I always use the "Are you okay?" line with people. However, it can be tricky knowing how to progress from there but persevere.  Board games or watching a movie together are good along with going for a Spring walk or even doing some gardening and growing something from a seed.  I personally find professional help useful either through a psychologist or occupational therapist, but you can't always get a horse to water and even if you do, they might not speak and interact. I took my daughter to see a psychologist around that age and she went silent and curled into foetal position and was useless. I've had to become her psychologist, although she's been doing a lot better.  I don't know if you still read books together, but perhaps you could find an uplifting book to read together. Or, something funny.  Meanwhile, it's important for you to keep breathing and perhaps get out for coffee with a friend or whatever helps you to unwind.  I hope that helps.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi SeafoamGreen, Welcome to the Reach Out Parents' Forum. I've been coming here for a few weeks now after visiting the Reach Out site looking for some info to help a friend of my daughter's. It's made me realize how much I've been missing chatting with my friends and touching base about our since since Covid came along. I also like the anonymity here, although I still hold back somewhat. We have two teenagers a son aged 16 and a daughter 14. I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately as it's hit me in the face that our kids are growing up so quickly and our son will finish school at the end of next year. The other thing that's thrown me this week is that a friend's son was in a car accident. He wasn't injured but it was another situation with a car full of teens in a car with someone on their Ps and life suddenly becomes very fragile and tenuous. My kids are pretty good but it only takes one random bad choice to have major consequences. So, I'm hanging around here trying to get some tips and preventative ideas and pass on tips on what has helped us.  Do you have any particular concerns at the moment? At the very least we can listen.  Hope you're having a great week and getting back to school is going well.  Best wishes, Birdwing ... View more

Hi Uncle 75, Welcome to our Reach Out Parents Forum. I'm a parent with a 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter. In many ways, our family seems incredibly sorted out because my husband and I are still together and our kids are doing alright but not without challenging phases and moments. However, our kids have been through fairly extensive trauma due to my ongoing health issues which can be very dramtic, intense and terrifying and have been that way since our second child was born. So, we've had to deal with trauma, the threat of them losing their Mum, none of us coping and then landing back on our feet again as though nothing has happened. Security has been a big issue for our kids through this, anxiety and at times needing to take responsibility beyond their years.  Without meeting your niece, I can imagine some of the trauma and serious disappointment she has experienced and how she might view her role in all of this. Much of the response to this does belong in the realm of professionals and there are professionals who are well trained and experienced in this area. However, there's so much you are already doing by gaining custody and bringing her into your family and you evidently love her very dearly and are very concerned for her welfare. Please don't underestimate what you're already doing and how you being her uncle and family is making such a difference to her. One of my kids has had some very dark moments where I've had to talk them through. One of the things I used there was having something to look forward to say like a bushwalk, ferry ride, movie. Craft is a good outlet for this age group and colouring in. Find out what she enjoys and is good at and encourage her there. We've been members of scouts for years and that's been fantastic.I would also make contact with her school. It's a bit hard at the moment with covid, but you could at least chat on the phone.  The other thing with self-harm etc is that it does make you worry, stress and even freak out as a bystander. Try to look after yourself and destress, slow your breathing and do whatever it is which helps you keep a level head.  I hope this helps, and it's really good that you've come here to touch base and share what's going on. I've found it's really hard to connect with my usual friends due to covid and I also like the anonymity of this forum.  Best wishes, Birdwings.  ... View more

Hi @Trev937 , I agree with Hannah that it's great that you're taking such an active interest in your daughter. My dad has been my her most of my life and h's been my absolute rock. I have a close friend who is divorced Dad and he really misses living under the same roof as his kids.  My initial feeling is for this playdate to be cancelled until you can get on the same page. Is the fact that she's going to a boy's house the concern here?  Also I don't understand why she is going on this playdate when she doesn't want to go. That speaks volumes to me.  However, what I mainly wanted to respond to was what you said about neither you or your wife knowing this other family and that's been something which has concerned me and I've really tried to get to know the parents of my kids' friends. Of course, this has taken a real leap backwards this year thanks to Covid. My kids are now in high school and while the teens are all connected with each other across all sorts of platforms, us parents are in the dark. Somehow we need to become more connected at the very least to keep up with our kids during the teenage years.  While you're on the subject or playdates with your daughter's mum, it might be an idea to address sleepovers. I've agreed with them for my kids and I've pretty much known their friends' parents as we've been living in the same house for 20 years. However, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and who else might be there. My best friend from childhood was a victim of incest and I only found out hen we were in our 30s. I used to stay over at their place regularly but nothing ever happened to me. However, I had noticed she had a fancy cubby house with a bed in it and it all fell into place.  Yet, at the same time, your daughter needs to be able to have fun and socialise.  At our school, they talked to the kids about private parts of your body where no one else is allowed to touch you. Maybe her mum could reinforce some of that education if you're concerned. Also that if she has a phone, she can always call you if she's not feeling safe, and you will pick her up.  Anyway, these are just a few ideas as a fellow parent.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi @Marleym00  Welcome to the parenting forum. I first came here a few weeks ago wanting some advice for one of my daughter's friends and found the parenting forum and have been coming regularly. I have lost touch with a lot of my friends and parents from the school during covid and I've been trying to isolate for health reasons and so I've appreciated the forum. I have a 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter.  Your son has shown courage talking to you and that also reflects the closeness of your relationship, which is great and very important with the issues he is processing. Encouraging him to chat to his older sister would be great, and ideally being able to share with his Dad would be ideal. Having the support and acceptance of all his immediate family would make such a difference to him as he navigates his way through this.  In our family we had a different issue, which was my severe medical condition and associated disabilities and there's been a real possibility that I could pass away right from when our daughter was a baby. So, I've always ensured our kids have been involved with various community groups so that if they lose me, they still feel loved and supported. When you're living with complexity, I think these multiple foundations are very important. We have also had dogs and they've helped each of us get through all sorts of things and are amazing.  My thinking about him exploring his sexuality as an 11 year old, is to take his time and tread slowly. Hang out in groups rather than pairing off. Take one step at a time. He doesn't have to jump in the deep end and make a big announcement to anyone, himself included, about his sexuality. I say that now as a 51 year old when it's much easier to be sensible and I'd rather my own kids didn't get too serious about anyone til they've left school, but I am a realist.  Your local area health service might have a youth health service which could help steer you both through this. I encourage you to be his safety net, while allowing and empowering him to undertake this journey. I know with my own kids, there's that desire to hover and to try to ease the road. Ideally, he will develop the resilience to get him through life in general and encouraging things that can do that would ease his path.  I'm sorry my reply is all over the place, but I've had a few goes at this trying to really provide you with a thoughtful response. I hope this helps. If you help your son feel good about himself as a person, and build up strong connections, these will help him cross any hurdle he comes across and help him as he works out his sexuality. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Dear Hurting Mum, I'm so sorry to hear about your heartbreak and the troubles you're having. As a Mum myself and when my kids are argumentative or angry, I think back to when he arrived in the world and how happy we were and his smiles when he was little and wonder what happened. In our instance, I've had severe chronic health and there were times when he was really small where he kicked me in the shins. He was clearly angry about things, but how to channel that anger. There is a system called The Zones of Regulation which we worked through with a psychologist and occupational therapist.  his would be worth you checking out to inform yourself. However, he's now 16 and with the situation at his dad's place blowing up and his abusive language towards you, is obviously a serious concern. Have you been in touch with any local youth support services? Is he still at school? If so, have you spoken to the school counsellor?  Meanwhile, I recommend you do things to look after yourself and keep yourself fit for the battle, because trying to bring your teenagers through troubled waters is a battle. A few simple self-care things I've used have been a cup of tea in a nice cup, a walk, photography, writing in a diary, gardening, having coffee with a friend.  I think it's important to remind yourself of your son's good points while dealing with the more troubled times. It reminds you of your love for him and what you're fighting for.  I also wanted to address your son's abusive language towards you. I do think it's important for your son to show you respect. You haven't mentioned whether your son has hit you or other family members. Is that a concern? Do you feel safe?  I hope this helps. I am hoping someone else might be able to add to this.  Take care & best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Greetings, I came across the forum a few weeks ago, and it's filling a gap I'm experiencing during covid. I am missing most of my friends. While there are some friends I'm still connecting with via Facebook, many of my friendships revolve around our daughter's dance classes and the parents aren't going to wait at the studio anymore. I miss mulling over issues regarding our kids, and I also feel these casual conversations are an important part of parenting. That there's this collective wisdom we were tapping into , and we weren't meant to be going alone. So, I am here.  I have a 16 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. Both of our kids have had issues with recurrent stomach aches and I've also been surprised by how many kids have had trouble with this. You'd almost feel a virus was spreading round and yet it wasn't.  We had a pretty plain talking GP with young kids of her own. She first addressed constipation as a possibility. She had a chart showing different poos from very firm to runny. Teachers often suggest kids have a glass of water when kids have a tummy ache and that tends to help get things moving.  They've also been tested for Giardia, and tat has shown up and treated. That's known as the "fart bug".  Our daughter wasn't eating and was very underweight. So we went ahead and she had an endoscopy and they found she still had food in her stomach. This meant her stomach was low and she was diagnosed with gastroparesis. There's also coeliac disease.  Then, there's the psychological aspects of the stomach ache.  Another very valid explanation to the stomach ache, is not feeling well but not in any specific way and a tummy ache is easy to put into words.  I also agree with other responders that this year has been really difficult all round and I know a lot of people aren't okay. Our daughter missed her friends terribly, and our son ended up unable to sleep for a bit and had racing thoughts but he did come out and talk to us and spent quite awhile going through what was on his mind. He even brought up the death of the family dog three years ago. So, covid ended up being a breeding ground for trouble.  When we were back in lock down, it struck me that the restrictions forced us to live a lifestyle that was the opposite of what you'd recommend for good mental health. It's no wonder people aren't okay.  So, I also recommend the GP. I would try going for a few drives or walks with her and see if she will talk. I gave myself a lift which was an hour each way today and we have some really good chats. I still haven't addressed his intention to drop Advanced maths but I'm working slowly towards raising the subject.  Lastly, and perhaps I should've mentioned this first up, your love and concern for your daughter which stands out through your message, is a great healer in itself. It provides a rock and safe harbour which is really needed especially through the teenage years. I hope you feel the benefits I've experienced in coming here and connecting with other parents. Best wishes, Birdwing ... View more

Hi JJL24 Welcome to the Reach Out Parents' Forum. I've been hanging out here for the last couple of weeks after I came to the website looking for advice re one of my daughter's friends. I was stoked to find the parents' forum because I'm cut off from most of my friends as I'm immuno-suppressed and at high risk re covid. I'm an extrovert and I miss talking with other parents of teens in person and am finding this a good alternative. I've also been writing a blog for about 6 years where I've met quite a lot of introverts and heard more about their perspective.  My question about your son is whether he is content not going into shops and not having social interaction? While it's not ideal, you can get through life without a lot of social interaction ,e specially these days when you can work from home, shop online. There are people who are happy with only a few friends. However, there's a difference between a few close friends and no friends and that's particularly hard in the school context.  Do you know what concerns him? For example he might not like germs, in which case, his anxiety is only going to get worse during covid? Is he concerned about not knowing what to say? In that case, role playing could help. Both of our kids have been involved in Scouts and our son is still going as a venturer. They work towards badges and being in the outdoors and camping is really good for you on so many levels. Some of the kids struggle with shyness, communication difficulties etc and can relate to each other. During lockdown, my son's group was an amazing support and they all chatted away in zoom.  I've mentioned this in a few of my posts but having a dog could do wonders to ease his anxiety and help him to feel love and be loved. Talking to his dog could also be a stepping stone to reach out to his peers.  Learning a musical instrument is another idea. Guitar is a good social choice. I play violin and have gone back to piano during covid. It can be great to pull out a guitar in a group and play and people can sing along. He could also connect with people via the music without having to talk.  In addition to seeing a psychologist, occupational therapists are well versed at helping to overcome issues. I'm not quite sure what the difference is but if you're having trouble getting him to see a psychologist an OT could be the way to go.  I just thought of another big help to me and that is photography. When you zoom in and focus on something, you're actually focusing on a point which is a relaxation technique. I found that out later. However, photography got me through a very difficult period of my life when I was very ill and unsure whether I'd get back on my feet. I didn't always focus on good stuff, but that was cathartic as well.  I hope this helps, in addition to previous advice about courses you can do through a psychologist or local service.  Best wishes, Birdwing ... View more

Hi Gwinny, I read your contribution and I could relate to much of what you've said there, although across a range of situations I've experienced with different family members. I am here as a parent, not a professional. That said, I've been through a long term acute medical situation and have endured some pretty tough times and have battled with wanting to overcome and triumph over this and wanting to press the delete button, which is a natural response in many ways when life is going ahead in the way we wanted or expected. There's always been someone who has kept me hanging in there...my mum and dad, my husband and kids and I've also been a first responder where I was talking someone close to me around and focusing on something to look forward to  to get them through the moment.  I've seen psychologists and occupational therapists over the years and don't have a problem with it. However, a number of my close family members have stubbornly resisted and I've had to step in. Or, I've had to accept where they're at and it's not necessarily going to get any better any time soon, which was awful.  I don't think people often realize what it's like for many members and friends caring for someone going through a life crisis or as that intensifies, mental health issues. I'm a person who takes the Golden Rule to heart and would want to be the good Samaritan who stops to help someone who is injured or struggling, not turn a blind eye. However, you also need the other person to come to the party and when they don't, you're left feeling overwhelmed, helpless and maybe even like bopping them over the head to try to get through. This is where it's good to talk to someone, professionals but also other parents in a similar boat and that's what can help by coming here. However, maybe something in person would be good too. Or, you have friends in a similar boat.  My brother is chronically underweight at times and has been for years. Mum's always had to bend over backwards to get him to eat. Every time he showed interest in a particular food, mum would buy it in almost plagued proportions and I still remember the fridge being loaded with blueberry Yoplait yogurt 30 years later.  The one recommendation I would have for you is to get a dog or similar as people connect with animals in ways that they don't connect with other people. You can get dogs trained to work with people with depression or anxiety although many dogs just do this as a matter of course and a wag of the tail is a wonderful healer. We actually have three dogs here.  The underweight and not eating is a complex area. Our daughter was always underweight around the 10% almost from birth and when she was about 10 she was barely eating and was almost falling over when I picked her up from school. As she'd been on the same trajectory all her life, the thinking was that this was just her. However, I started to question the trajectory itself and we were referred to a gastroenterologist who basically gave me the choice of whether to have an endoscopy or not. I decided to proceed. By this time, I'd decided she had coeliac's disease. However, the tests came back showing that despite fasting, she still had some food in her stomach, which then lead to a diagnosis of gastroparesis or a slow stomach. She was getting stomach pains, acid etc. She was actually quite unwell and at one stage we thought she might need to be hospitalised. She does best on a lower fat diet. Prefers chicken. I have noticed myself that fatty lamb can make me feel sick and my brother never ate fatty meat leaving my mother trimming his meat forever.  I'm not quite sure how you coax people out of their rooms. We are working on that with our daughter but she's 14 and we're trying to reinstate the family dinner a few nights a week. Our kids also need to be driven places and you'll see that's an ideal way to get a conversation going. Reach out has a communication video which someone could link through to you. I found it very useful. This talks about the benefits of talking in the car where you don't have close eye contact. I am thinking this is so they don't feel interrogated.  I hope this helps.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi @treadingwater ,  I can relate to much of what you're saying, although we're a bit behind you at our place. Our son is 16 and our daughter 14. Our issue is more around our 14 year old daughter who hangs out with 16-17 year olds and loves walking around at night and feels invincible. She is supposed to be home by sun set and ring in if she wants to stay out. She isn't allowed to walk around by herself after dark. However, if she's not here, we can't do much. She arrived home at 2 am recently just walking around. She doesn't do drugs and doesn't have a boyfriend yet. She's sporty and feels cooped up I think. Just likes to walk and chat with her friends. Feels invincible, but is reasonably sensible.  Recently, one of her friends left home and has been sleeping on the beach in a tent or couch surfing. On one hand, she sees this as being a bad thing and that the strained relationships with his family aren't a good thing. However, sleeping on the beach has its attractions and he has free wifi at the surf club and can charge his phone at Maccas. There's a big part of me even as a 51 year old who finds this carefree way of life temporarily attractive. He also has his own money.  So, when it comes to trying to reinforce boundaries at home with our daughter, it feels quite challenging when you have this alternative dangling before her eyes. She's also been eating in her room and shut us off lately so communication has been non-existent at times, and exacerbated by the risks posed to me of catching covid.  I've been working slowly to reconnect with her. It's hard as she's an introvert but we're making progress. Talking in the car and I'm trying to get back into family meals.  My recommendation would be to keep your daughter at home until she's 18 and finished school. That said, moving out has it's own difficulties and it might be a very good learning experience where she becomes responsible for herself and rises to the challenge. However, my thinking is that she'll ultimately regret not making the most of those last years of being at home and connecting with you. It's not long to wait and better than taking on a second job and it being too much on top of her studies. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi @blueskies ,  I'm here as another parent, and I have a 16 year old a son and 14 year old daughter. Meanwhile, I have a chronic to acute auto-immune disease and have had periods throughout the kids' lives where my treatments have been intense. My life hanging in the balance and the kids have been traumatised. It was also my job to seek help for them and do what I could to help my husband and try to support us all through this as best I could. I wasn't able to work for quite awhile because I had chemo, and my values shifted as well and the kids also needed me. By this stage we'd pulled in our belts and were getting by. I am currently deeply embroiled in research and hoping to relaunch myself along an acadmic trajectory somehow.  So, that's a bit of my background. I know a lot about appointments too.  However, it's actually my experiences as a teenager which come to mind for you. When I was about 16 one of my friends developed acute anorexia. Not only did she lose a lot of weight, but she also went silent. This was a huge change, because she'd previously been very funny and the clown (which in hindsight was a warning, but when you're laughing it doesn't necessarily twig). It's been over 30 years, and I haven't forgotten what it was like to watch my friend vanish before my eyes. It was absolutely heartbreaking. Then, I rang up to speak to her in the holidays, and her mum told me she was in hospital and what was going on. We had a wonderful talk and I know I spoke to her a few times and he helped each other get through.  However, as you know, that was only one side of the coin. The biggest trouble we faced was how to bring her back outside of herself, and she did come back but it took quite awhile and she found many of us had moved on a bit when she did.   Around this time, my mother also closed down after my brother had got into some difficulties. I couldn't reach her either and she watched a lot of TV to cope. She couldn't talk about things. Wouldn't seek professional help and again I was left sitting on the fence watching. I'm not a professional but it seems these people really need so much patience and the time and space to be able to make those really small , almost invisible steps forward without being hit of the head and dragged out too quickly. It's very hard when you're not seeing any progress and all seems lost but none of this probably makes sense anyway. I am an extroverted extrovert and my daughter is an introvert and she really clams up and when I took her to a psychologist, she curled into foetal position and shut off completely. The psychologist's efforts to reach out to touch her, only made it worse. Since then, I've had to be her support.  There are a few things that have helped me over the years.  Never under-estimate the importance of your love for your daughter and it's power to heal and it's already making a difference. Love is the greatest healer of all.  The power of nature for all of you. You don't even need to get outside. You can go to your happy place inside your head. Picture something that makes you happy.  Have a cup of tea in a nice cup. I collect antique and vintage cups. A cup of tea takes 5 minutes out of your day but can just give you a breather. I'm a dog person. Our family has three dogs, which I consider therapy dogs. They are so loving and caring and a wag of the tail is so uplifting. You can get specially trained anxiety therapy dogs, and one of my friends has had one for her daughter who experiences anxiety.  Journalling either for yourself or your daughter.  Acknowledge to yourself when it's getting too much. You might not be able to change anything but I think it is good to acknowledge the load you're carrying and give yourself a pat on the back even if it is very hard, you're not coping. There is no perfect when you're going through stuff like this.  Lastly, I think we need to have some kind of public acknowledge of "Intensive Care" for people going through hard times but aren't in a hospital intensive care ward. Where you might need a friend to cook a meal once a week or for someone to set up a meal roster for awhile. A friend of mine took in a hopeless guy and was a bit overwhelmed by some of his issues but we went round and cooked dinner. I knew someone like him and felt quite comfortable with the situation. A church had taken him in for 6 months. So, it can and should be a team effort where possible.  Not everyone is capable of being there, and I suspect there are very few people who are actually "okay" through covid. It's putting an extra layer of stress on everyone, and as a business owner I'd imagine it's putting quite a load on you.  I hope some of this helps. It's a long road and hopefully you'll find a few people here who can be there with you along the way.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hello Waldo, Lovely to meet you. I went on a short bushwalk with my husband to show him some local waratahs on his lunchbreak last week and slipped posing for a photo and am sitting here with a bag of frozen peas on my knee again. I'm not in lock down but have been largely isolated during covid this year due to my health. I don't mind this too much as I'm a researcher/writer and I blog and have an online community there. However, I really miss the friends I have based around our kids' activities. You know the people you occasionally might met for coffee but chat with. Well, that might not be your thing but I'm an unashamed extrovert and I really miss that. We've also had some rumblings with the kids and while most haven't been significant in themselves, I'm not always sure where the tide is drifting and have found through the years it's great to touch base with my friends who are also parents of their friends.  Our cousin's daughter has a serious issue with self harm and was hospitalized and had ECT treatment years ago and we went and saw her in hospital. Our son has flown off the handle a few times and threatened to take his life in front of me a few times and there was one attempt. I drove him to emergency after getting the police out, and couldn't find a car park in the multistorey carpark and drove into a concrete divider on the way out. Cracked the radiator and my son's saying "the car's on fire". Well, by this stage, you could imagine the state I was in and I just froze. He helped me get the car out of the way and talked me through that. The car was towed away and written off. So, I didn't have to worry about finding a car space any more. When we were in triage, I booked us both in because after what I'd been through, I wasn't okay either. I have 50% lung capacity and what with stress on top of that, was struggling to breathe and feeling quite unwell. However, once we finally got through to the doctor, I was dismissed and my reaction was considered "normal". I didn't get checked out. Spending a day in emergency was a future deterrent to our son. I would also advice going by ambulance to the hospital unless you have the driver and a support person in the car so you can just drop off.  That was also the first time I'd called the police. I did that because he ran off and I needed them to find him. While it seems more official and heavy-handed calling the Police or ambulance in, they're there to help, which can be particularly helpful if you're alone. They were fantastic.  Anyway, that's been one of our experiences and I hope you don't mind me going into it here. It wasn't my intention, but like yourself, I'm wanting to help others and open up those lines of communication particularly on those more difficult subjects. It's these more difficult subjects were Reach Out really shines and being able to share in an anonymous, online space is really helpful and much needed. Best wishes, Birdwings. ... View more

Hi there Tenacious Dad, I really liked how you're proud of your kids for their kindness and unconditional love they show you. These are the sort of traits which are really important to me. I was also attracted to your name "tenacious Dad". You've obviously been through a lot and that's a quality I've developed over the years through my health/disability issues. While it's easy to say "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger", surviving the crucible can be another matter entirely. I have lost touch with a lot of my friends this year, as parents aren't allowed into my daughter's dance studio. Instead of waiting upstairs and chatting, parents are lined up in their cars out the front and you can't see in through the window tinting. I can't stand it and get out and wait outside. I found this scenario one of the loneliest aspects of covid. That you have all these people who are friends lined up in their cars in their own world not connecting anymore. My kids are important to me and I see wisdom as a collective thing and I think this forum could really be life changing for many people.  Best wishes, Birdwings.  ... View more

Hi Everyone, Thought I'd better introduce myself, even though I've already done a few posts. After a few efforts of trying to select a name for myself, I entered "Birdwings" which is a poem by Rumi who is often referred to in motivational quotes.    1. How old are your kids and what is one thing they've done recently that made you laugh? We have a 16 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. They're going well over all but I have a chronic/acute medical/disability situation and they've experienced trauma and stress over the years from that, and it's putting us under additional stress during Covid. Our son may be laugh the other day. We're desperately trying to clear stuff out of the house and yard. However, it was council clean-up and he arrived home with two lawn mowers, a couple of dead laptops which he was going to pull apart for parts and an empty KFC bucket on his head.  My daughter and I laughed about a crazy cake I made. 2. Parenting can be really stressful - how do you try to keep those stress levels down? I try to keep my finger on the pulse and have a sense of what's going on with the kids. What's going on with them and their friends. I'm friends with some of their friends' parents. Being part of community and informed, a bit of research now and then. Organisation is a problem for us but trying to keep on top of that helps reduce stress. Routines have been thrown out or seriously disrupted this year and we're not good at it anyway. Currently weighing up moving to something more rigid versus being flexible. Things are constantly changing here, so having a solid, inflexible schedule might not be a good idea anyway. We're also working on setting some firmer boundaries in place for our daughter. She's been fobbing us off and walking around at night with her friends and getting home really late. It's reigned in now because her friend was grounded but she can be pretty strong-willed. I'm trying to move gently rather than "putting my foot down". Knowing she's home reduces a lot of stress. As does good communication with the kids and I watched a Reach Out video on this the other night which was very helpful.  In terms of self-care, I tend to go walking a long the beach or through the bush and also doing photography. Last week, I photographed a bunch of waratahs in our local National Park, which were growing just next to the road. They were magnificent. I also like to get out for coffee, which has been complicated by covid this year. I usually see  a lot of my friend on a more casual basis revolving around the kids' activities instead of something more formal.  I also play violin and piano which are sometimes relaxing and therapeutic and something frustrating when I make mistakes.  We also have three dogs and they're relaxing.  3. What led you to ReachOut Parents today? I found the parents forum last week. I've referred to Reach Out a few times over the years. This time I was looking up for advice as a friend of my daughter's has left home and is camping on the beach and couch surfing and I wanted to let her know about reach Out for her friend.  I've been back to the parent forum because I like it's anonymity and being able to connect with people who don't know me in real life. I've also found that there were people in the forum who have problems we've experienced in the past who I could help. Or, that I could break down someone else's situation relatively easily while my own appears quite complex and I'm in my own fog. As I said before, I'm also missing connecting with my local friends due to covid.  4. Whats your top tip for parents whose kids are about to enter teenage years? As a child my mother used to say to me: "Never turn your back on the sea", and I think that's very true of teenagers. Where you could send your kids to after school care etc in primary school, those supports aren't there in high school. So, keeping your teens busy is important and ideally something where they'll make friends like a sport, scouts/guides, dance, band, youth group. Having a group of friends and adults they can turn to outside your family and outside school. hat way, if they're difficulties in one pond, they can turn to another for support. I also think it's great if you can know and be in touch with their friends' parents. We've lived in the same house now for almost 20 years and my kids have friends they've know since they were babies at playgroup. Communication is also really important and don't presume to know what's going on. Listen. Observe. Maintain family meals and driving them places.  That's multiple tips, but I think being well resourced is always important for parents no matter how old your kids are. That's not to be a helicopter parent. This allows you to sit further back and be more subtle and hopefully more effective...and have more time for yourself.  5. Whats the best thing about weekends? Weekends aren't particularly special at the moment for us. My husband is working from home due to covid and my daughter spends Saturdays at dancing. Try to have a family meal at least one of those nights. Friday nights my husband and I usually have to ourselves, which is nice.  I think this question is challenging me to make the weekends more special again.  Thanks you very much for reading. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

I've been thinking about what you said here and about the other parents who have come to this forum, which also includes myself. One thing that really distinguishes us is that we're actively looking for constructive ways of improving what's going on in our families and we're not lying face down with our faces in the dirt saying the situation is hopeless. So, when you find yourself thinking that you're unable to make a difference to the situation, tell yourself that's a lie. It's not true. You are out seeking advise, support, information and skilling yourself up. You are being proactive. That's really good. This is advice I need to give to myself too. With my disability and severe health issues, it's easy for me to feel useless and that I can't step and do things, especially needing to isolate during covid. I don't even go to the supermarket atm. Acknowledge what you are doing and your efforts to reach out. Be encouraged and keep going.  You mentioned at the end that you've moved countries to get away from their father and have made some extraordinary changes to try to improve things for your family and that you're also carrying this load alone. Feel free to share that situation as well if you like. This forum is anonymous but you're not alone. It's a safe and confidential place to share and there's a group of people here backing you up.  Take care and I send you a few hugs.  Best wishes, Birdwings.  ... View more

Covid has been a huge concern for our family. I have an auto-immune disease which affects my lungs and I'm down to 50% lung capacity. At the NSW peak, I developed an awful cough and couldn't shake it and came very close to going to hospital. At this point in time, Italy was at it's peak and people like myself with disability and chronic health conditions were seriously concerned about being left to die if, and more likely when, the hospital systems became overloaded. My husband would come home from work and ask me about my evacuation plans. I didn't have any and wasn't sure what I'd do. Where I'd go. I chatted to a friend and he suggested we set a caravan up in our backyard. That way, if one of us got sick, they could go out there, or I could go there. We bought one the very next day and fortunately haven't needed it yet and plan to travel with it. I have been very thankful when the government has stepped in and applied restrictions or lock down as it's enabled me to stay safe and it's also kept my family out of circulation. The biggest trouble families like ours is facing, is that you have a family member in your household who would more than likely die from covid and needs to isolate. Then, you have other family members who need to keep living. Our kids are both in high school and the NSW Education department abruptly ordered them back to school without much warning or an adequate stepping stone program. This threw us and families like us in the deep end. We were terrified. It puts a lot of pressure on our kids that they might catch covid at school and in effect kill mum. Our son has also had moments of severe anxiety going to the shops and breaking out into a stress rash as people came near him. Around the time they returned to school, his mind was racing and he couldn't sleep and all these issues accumulated over a number of years popped up. Fortunately, he approached us and said he had a problem and talked to us over a couple of nights. Our family also has ongoing occupational therapy and psychological support, but we always need to be up to these challenges ourselves because you don't know when some kind of kick back to what is happening is going to strike. Our son is also quite chatty so that made it easier too.  Meanwhile, our daughter disappeared into her room. She cut herself off from us for a few months and thankfully is re-emerging now. A girl from a few of her classes was diagnosed with covid after she'd caught it from her Dad. Fortunately, she'd isolated and hadn't been to school when she was infectious.  We've had a lot of trouble trying to social distance when people around us aren't doing it and even I've had a few glitches when I've seen close friends and I'm fastidious about it.  After infection rates started to drop and I noticed some shops were easier than others to get in and out of safely, I started venturing out more and I now mix with a few friends, go to Church and go to a local cafe once a week. Aside from the cases of the father and daughter, there's nothing else locally and I am treating this situation as more of a marathon than a sprint. I can't stay in lock down forever, especially when there's virtually no disease nearby.  The thing that keeps coming back to me is back in WWI they thought the war was going to be over by Christmas. We laugh at that and think how stupid they were. Hey, that war lasted four years. Didn't you know that? We might have a vaccine soonish but he advise is that this is not going to wrap up until there's a vaccine and they can't pull a rabbit out of a hat. So, that's why I'm perhaps taking a few risks and getting out more because it's a juggling act. My kids need their education, friends, jobs and for things to be as normal as possible. My husband needs to work and fortunately after taking the university on, is back working from home. We have masks, gloves, hand sanitizer and we still have friends. Lastly, I should also mention that we have three dogs and they've made such a difference and helped us get through this. You can hug them and rumble with them and they get us throwing the ball on a semi-constant basis but they're life savers.  One last thing about covid. What with all the adjustments and considerations we're all having to make, I've noticed what I call "cognitive overload". When we go out, we're having to think about so many things. Have we got our mask, hand sanitizer, gloves. We go into a shop and there are screen up. Where do you pay? There's dodging people, kids. I don't personally see this as a mental health issue. More a physical load thing even though you're carrying it in your head. I have friends who are pretty level headed and they've had moment were it's got too much and when I ask them about it, it's this extra thought load. I'd be interested to hear what others think of this.    ... View more

I was encouraged to hear your daily routine is going well despite lock down. Establishing a routine in our place has always been a struggle for me and I'm currently torn between being set in stone and firm about it or the need for flexibility. We're not in lock down here in NSW and my husband is working from home and he's pretty good with routine and is great in the mornings. I have severe health issues on and off and am trying to isolate to ensure I don't get covid (also why my husband is working from home still. We had to fight for that). I got a chest infection around the time covid was at its worst here and I was terrified of going to hospital but reassured by my specialist it would be fine. Wasn't busy. I wouldn't be fighting to get treated. HOwever, I seemed to fall off the wagon after that. My husband is now doing the morning shift and taking the kids to school and I've got into this thing of staying up late. Tried to reset and had an alarm going off and I know this is what I need to do. However, something keeps happening and there are so many variables. I'm a creative and more intuitive person so more inclined to go with the flow but also needing more structure. I think I know the how to on this and I have occupational therapy where we work on this. I was wondering how you maintain your routine or if there are others out there like me? Covid has definitely thrown me around and it's been difficult to focus.  ... View more

Hi Working Dad, You can call me Birdwings, which is the title of a poem by Rumi. It wasn't my first choice but the name actually suits quite well.  Our family was in your shoes many years ago, although our kids are now 14 and 16. I developed a severe muscle-wasting auto-immune disease which was triggered by my second pregnancy. It took 18 months to get a diagnosis and by this point we were beyond desperate. I couldn't roll over in bed and my husband even had to put the doona over me and carry the baby to her cot at night. It culminated when I tripped at home and much to my surprise, couldn't get up at all. I was so angry and upset at the time and I was crying and didn't initially put much effort in trying to get up. However, once I realized I was stuck, things shifted into a whole different gear especially as I hit the baby on the way down and she was screaming like someone possessed more out of concern I think for what was going on with me as she wasn't really injured. Meanwhile, our son was at large in the backyard. He was about 3 when I was eventually hospitalized and he was like your little one going at 150 miles an hour. Climbed up onto the back shed and called out: "Mummy, look at the mountains!" I almost died. He fell off once and I have no idea how I caught him because I couldn't even undo a bottle at the time. My husband was working full time about an hour's drive away. So, we were in a similar situation to yourselves. I rang him at work when I couldn't get up. In hindsight, he should've told me to call an ambulance, but the front door was locked. However, they could've found a way in but we weren't thinking clearly. Ultimately,  I ended up in hospital for about 8 weeks and my parents took the kids while my husband kept working and took time off when I came home.  Looking at your situation, there's how to maximise what your partner can do for herself, your child and as your partner. It's awful to feel useless or a burden and have no role in life and become "in-valid". I have had and continue to have occupational therapy. Initially they looked at energy conservation strategies. This was finding ways to do things which required less energy.  Then, there's looking at things your partner can do with your child. I cultivated reading books to our kids as our special time together. We also went to parks with fences so my kids, especially our son, could run around safely within my energy limits. My sister in-law has used a wrist strap with her grandchildren and you see kids with backpacks on which do this as well. She has always felt it's better to keep the child safe and she can't run after them. I also belonged to multiple playgroups. There are different types of playgroups around and there are supported playgroups where there's more assistance. Playgroups are usually dependent on a fair amount of parent involvement, and I always found it difficult when it came to packing everything up at the end , although I was able to give some assistance. Attending a group where your partner could explain her situation to the organizer, could turn up a really good source of support. Many older people don't live near their own grandchildren or don't have children or grandchildren of their own but love young children. These people could be a second set of hands to your partner and I'm sure she has qualities that others would value in her as well. I'm very interested in photography and I'd given people photos of their kids.  I don't know whether your partner has tried to get onto the NDIS. That's made a big difference to me, but also has it short falls. My brother has fibro and I it's difficult to treat and struggles to find medical recognition. The other question mark is sending your child to daycare at least one day a week to allow your partner to have a break. That's what we did and when I was at my worst our son went three days and our daughter two. We did get some fee relief through Brighter Futures who were helping us for a bit after my hospital admission. You can also get I think it's 3 months emergency fee relief. At least, you could when our kids were young.  There are quite a few organizations when support families with young children and I suggest talking to your local baby health clinic to get some contacts.  File this for when your child gets older, we put our kids through Scouts. They have been away on camps and they have given me time to rest without having to make a deal about Mummy's sick (which I hate).  Meanwhile, I know you must feel like there's no room for you to breathe in this situation, let alone have a life. However, it's important for you to take care of yourself and have some down time. Find something you enjoy doing even if it's only for 15 minutes and the same for your partner. Be kind. Acknowledge how you both feel maybe to yourselves and not necessarily always to each other. I've always seen my medical/disability condition as a separate entity to myself. "I am living with it". It isn't me, although I usually talk about it as "my autoimmune disease" which theoretically undoes some of that thinking but not in practice. "My disease" is so rare that it virtually is "my disease".  Every year that my children grow up, our lives get easier. You're really at the thick of it now, but it does get better.  Lastly, it was always very important that I maintained my relationship with the kids as their Mum, even when I was really unwell and I was sleeping a lot and feeling pretty useless. It might seem easier for someone else including yourself to take over your partner's parenting role, but I encourage you both to think creatively and find ways where she can do and be what she can and your family can get through this together and okay.  Hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

So sorry you've ended up in lock down in Melbourne again. We ended up sending a care package down to our nephews family as we really felt for them going through it again. So, here I am sending you a virtual care package instead. I am mum to a 16 year old boy and a 14 year old girl and we live in NSW. Our 16 has his first girlfriend and is in Year 11 and so far so good. Our 14 year old has her eye on someone and something's starting up there. However, I also remember being dumped in year 11 and getting very derailed myself and just being completely heartbroken. Your daughter is sounding like she's ahead of where I was and I compounded things by going out with someone else and when that broke up a few months later, being even worse off. Your daughter sounds sensible and that goes a very long way. Most teens are going to be going through the dating rollercoaster as well as being very derailed by covid, especially in Victoria. So, in terms of her academic progression, since she's staying close to being on track, she's at least keeping up with or ahead of the pack. However, the mental health impact of covid is huge and I've also experienced what I call a cognitive overload from having to think about so many things. I'm immunosuppressed and in a semi lock down myself and everything is complicated and in ways that aren't being publically acknowledged either. So, I'd tend to say many of us, maybe even most of us, are not okay. When you add being in lock down and being away from your friends and the break up, that's tough. However, it's not insurmountable.  It might be that after lock down and a bit of sorting out his stuff, the relationship will get back on track. He might just be a valued friend and that's important too. Encouraging her to build up some close female friends, especially ones who don't have the same taste in guys and are into their study, would be great. My son belongs to Venturers and their leader gave each member a little animal pot with grass seeds and they had a competition to see whose grew the longest and they'd bring them along each week and it was a great connecting point. That group really got our son through. Just as school was going back here, he had a really rough time. Said his mind wouldn't stop whirling round and he brought up issues from years ago which had been on his mind, like the death of the family dog three years ago. We pointed out to him that lie in lock down was the reverse of every recommendation for good mental health. He wasn't going out for a walk and was gaming a lot. Still is. I think it might've been the girlfriend who was counting her steps because he suddenly bought a fitbit and started walking 10,000, 20,000 steps a day and he was so much better for it. He's pulled back on that now. Couldn't last at that intensity but it did get him out of that funk.  I hope that helps.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

So sorry to hear about your struggles with your daughter. You clearly care about her and love her very much and I can see that your stressed and hurting by what's going on and are trying to juggle your relationship with both daughters. I commend you for that and for coming here to try to get some support, a bit of advice and hope for a better pathway forward.  My daughter is 14 and this year she's really retreated into her room and shut us out. For a long time, she didn't even say good night to us and I'd take her dinner to her door. She was like a prisoner in her room, only she was holding herself captive. I've been like yourself not quite knowing what to do and desperate to re-establish any connection. I'm like the big labrador pup waiting at the side gate all day waiting for someone to come home. Things have improved for us. I took is very, very slowly. She's an introvert and I'm an extroverted extrovert and I'm mindful of that. I needed to let her come out of herself and hitting her with some kind of sledge hammer to try to get her out of her shell was only going to make things worse.  I should also add that covid has made this situation a lot worse for us. I am immuno suppressed and she's going to school and so I do need to keep a bit of distance, especially when numbers have increased.  My first recommendation is to take your other daughter out for lunch and not talk about her sister. Find out what's going on with her.  Secondly, see if your daughter will open up about her intentions with the pregnancy. Listen as much as you can without offering any advice. This is definitely a time for "two ears one mouth". See if she has a friend she's confiding in.  Your love for her is making a difference and has the capacity to overide anti-depressants, professional help. It is the greatest healer.  Meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself. Get some regular exercise. I went for a quick walk yesterday. The wildflowers are fantastic this year. I'm into photography and you can look at something beautiful through the lens and it helps so much. I must admit I also like photographing barren destruction as well. In addition to the waratahs, I also zoomed in on some blackened tree bark and appreciated its raw blackness as well.  I hope this has helped and I wish you luck. You are cared for here and it's a private place where you can share without everyone knowing your business, which I like. Sometimes, it's good to be anonymous.  Best wishes, Birdwings PS Birdwings is a poem by Rumi you might enjoy.  ... View more