Hi @Wonderous and @hippychick   I agree and think you are on the right track. You are understanding and supportive.   I wish my friend all those years ago had a parent that had your understanding.  ... View more

Hi @Wonderous   For my sister it was a short experience as a teenage girl. I always remember the guy I shared the house with. He was there for 12 months and near the end said that I was the only straight male he had formed a genuine friendship with. That always made me think, as that comment genuinely surprised me. He talked to me a lot about the risk and fear that his group of young gay men experienced. One close friend had told his family. The result was understanding followed by excommunication. This confirmed to the others in the group that remaining silent was the better path for them. They did not want to risk telling their families for fear of loosing them.    I always hoped that with time and understanding, no teenager (or adult) would have to feel like that about their sexuality and family. There are no right answers in so many of these complex areas. Just getting a few ideas to extend our own thinking into an aspect we had not considered or making us more certain we are on the right track with support and ideas from others is sometimes enough.   ... View more

Random acts of kindness?! Hmmm, I was struggling with this one. Then I remembered.    When driving, I always show patience and care for others in what many drivers seem to consider a contest.  I make a big effort to: Leave space for the person in front to merge Not get cranky if someone makes a mistake Offer lots of consideration to L plate and P plate drivers - they are learning Wave thanks for anyone that shows me the same courtesy on the road Wave apology if I do make a mistake or misread a road situation Remain calm in heavy traffic. After all, "the traffic does not care". Allow for spare time to get to a destination on time When someone does get really rude or cranky, I blow them a kiss (yes I am a bloke). A mum I knew when I was a teenager always did that to men she had upset them on the road. She always said it tended to disarm an angry man. I can assure you a bloke blowing a kiss to an angry man seems to disarm and perplex them. Though I do this with consideration and caution. It could backfire (excuse the pun).  ... View more

Hi @Wonderous   You situation makes me recall an experience my younger sister had at 16 years old. She was having a relationship with another girl at school (Boarding house). The other girls dad was a Doctor and gave her a script for the Pill for her 16th birthday. He had no idea that his daughter had no interest in boys at all. Also, to my knowledge my parents were and are completely unaware of her experience to this day. They were not equipped to deal with this knowledge then or now.   Several years later, I was in a share house with 4 of us. One the guys in the house was gay. He as quite particular in saying that he would let others know when he was comfortable with it himself. None of his family knew about his sexuality. All of us respected this and let him communicate what he wanted to in his own time.    I guess from these and other experiences, my conclusion is that letting the individual have the opportunity to decide who and when they tell the people closest to them is a choice they need to be able to make.   ... View more

Hi @arnokenway   I had really serious problems with our son regarding excessive and uncontrolled use of the computer.    I tried several solutions including time limits. I found one device that is Australian made and solves a lot of the problems. Just search "parent power". They are an Australian business and have found a very effective way for a parent to wrestle back control of times and usage of different devices.    I tried a number of solutions and devices and found this to be the simplest and most effective to use.    Regards   Orbit64 ... View more

Hi @vig10     I try to find the positives and build on those. So a thank-you from her is a great improvement.    I know that the setbacks can overshadow any kind of improvement. I guess it is a matter of trying to build on the positive and see where that takes you. Glass half full rather than half empty.   As one of my great mentors said, when everything has gone to the pack, you can still turn the situation upside down and create a positive out of it. We used the expression "turn your stumbling blocks into your stepping stones". Now that was in the context of engineering construction. I still try to apply it to my approach to life in as many ways as I can.    There could be many reasons for feeling unwell and being sick. I guess it would be worth asking her in the right moment how she is feeling.  ... View more

Hi @Mssassy    One option is to change the communication platform away from Facebook Messenger.    A few are Telegram, iChat, use a phone messaging app. There are lots of options.  That way you could communicate privately.    It all depends on the platform/computer/phone you are communicating on.    ... View more

Hi @vig10   Just touching base to find out how things are going with yourself and your daughter.    Have you managed to try anything that has helped? ... View more

Hi @Jupiter   We have some close family friends with a daughter that was really socially awkward for a long time. She struggled to bond with people that she did not know well. The toughest thing was for people to firstly get to know her.    They managed to find a counsellor / coach who worked with her to develop all those social skills in meeting new people that help someone starting out with a new group. Maybe this is an approach you could take with your son? Some coaching in how to approach a new group, say a team or a new group.    Just food for thought.    ... View more

Our communication with our 15 yr old son was non existent all summer.    I finally came up with the idea of the Talking Stick. I'm not even sure where I heard of the idea.  I understand some of the North American Indians used a talking stick for important discussions.    The person holding the stick is the only person allowed to speak. They talk till they are convinced they have got their point across. Then they pass the stick to the person that they want to talk next. Then it continues.   I suggested this idea to my son well in advance of a planned discussion, said that I wanted to hear his point of view on the problem that had surfaced that week, gave the stick to him and listened. The first time it was only the two of us and it worked well. We tried it a couple of other times, with three of us involved. It did not work as well, as neither of them (my son and wife) were quite willing to let the other have their say without interjecting (often).   It worked well for a while. Particularly considering any attempted discussion usually involving him starting to yell within 30 seconds to 1 minute and walking off out of the house, not to come back for at least a few hours. Using the talking stick got us talking for a while at least.   ... View more

Hi @Jupiter Could you find an interest or activity he could join that is completely separate from school? A sport, activity group, scouts, other interest groups of some kind? With some advanced coaching before he started with a new activity, he could build different relationships to give him some confidence. I developed a strong interest in outdoor activities at that age, with a completely different group from school and friends. So it is like a fresh start. ... View more

For self care an early morning walk with the dog is great. I put my phone in my top pocket and listen to a favouite pod cast. I prefer that to earbuds. This way i get to hear all the birds as i walk and i feel more connected during my walk. ... View more

What's something you learnt from your mum growing up? I had one of those childhoods that was charmed. Mum, Dad, 3 sisters and myself. Lots of opportunity with responsibility and effort. I learnt lots of little things from my Mum, Dad and my sisters.    The most outstanding thing I learnt from my Mum was the love of flying (vintage aircraft). She was the best pilot of a Tiger Moth I have ever had the opportunity to fly with. She had a finesse in flying her Tiger that few pilots ever achieve. I will always hold that close to me as she passed that finesse and skill onto me.  ... View more

My wife and I have been talking a lot. I have been supportive of the Restraining Order. I do not want him to develop into the kind of person that thinks these things can be done without consequence. I can imagine a future (and dread it) where he smashes up a house with his partner, cools down the next day, then threatens them a week later. He has never been exposed to this type of experience or behaviour in his life. He has no example or experience on which to be modelling this. So it is very painful try and understand how this has come about.    Ultimately, he needs to know it is not okay to do what he has done and treat people (my wife) as he has. He especially needs to know that there are non violent mechanisms other have in our society to address this unacceptable behaviour.  I just wish it was not our son and us having to do it. Better us  doing it, than someone else in the future, having suffered a worse experience than I did.    Self care: We will go out on the weekend and do something.    My wife has been engaged in "cooking therapy". Baking lots of cakes and biscuits for a school event (she is a teacher).   I have picked myself up and gone, okay, I cannot influence him directly, however I can put some things in place to ensure he is fed, has some support from school and counselling and hopefully he will accept a stable place to stay. I continue to work steady and hard. Fortunately I have a very understanding owner of the business, as he has a very difficult 21 year old son, doing similar things to mine. We provide a sounding board for each other. I keep him well informed on what is going on at home. I may not be as cheerful at work as I normally am, however I try to channel the difficulty I am experiencing into focus and being more productive.    For my son, I do feel it will have to get much worse for him before the penny drops. Time will tell.  ... View more

He has not been served the notice by the police yet.   He actually said "bye mum" to my wife when leaving for school this morning. Once in a while there are little things like that that perk you up. However with what is coming, that will not be possible.    I'm a typical fixer, so I am trying to put as many things in place indirectly to support him. I've met with the Year 10 and student services co-ordinator and Youth worker at school Have put a tab on at the School canteen so that he eats (we do not want to give him any cash). He has used it this week. I have spoken to a previous Counselor he knows and put the Youth working in contact with her. We have confirmed we want her to help him with the ultimate aim of getting a family counselling program going. (we did individual and a group session with her last year, and my son refused to proceed to the next step) I have put the Youth worker in contact with a housing facility that has interviewed my son and understands his situation (he refused to go there too) The biggest problem we face is that we have the means to support him, just an attitude from him that he does not want anything to do with or be supported by us at all. He does not want any rules. Any place that will take a 15 year old has rules.    We will see how long couch surfing lasts for him. Previously he has stayed away for days, comes home, has a long sleep, washes etc. He won't be able to do that now. Grim times for him and for us.  ... View more

Gosh, I can chime in here. My wife and I have been struggling with our 15 yr old son for 18 months now.  We completed the Reachout online parenting. It was fantastic. However, everything we have done, our son develops a strategy around.    His current behaviour: We got him into a new school this year, based on him saying he would get back to working hard. He attended 50 % last term and is effectively failing subjects due to lack of work and or attendance. Worst is he is very smart and able to get A B marks easily.  He may stay at home 1 or 2 nights a week. He goes out without letting us know where he is, who he is with or what he is doing.  Zero effort around the house on most fronts. Washing, clearing dishes, everything. Positives. He does clean his teeth.  He can get stinky, however will wash if asked to He continues to train and play hockey   My wife had to go away for two weeks during the school holidays for a mental health break.    Before the school holidays he was particularly obnoxious, especially to my wife.  For example: Extreme bad language and abuse if asked to put a load of clothes washing on. This has then extended to aggressive abusive behaviour, slamming doors, thumping through the house with heavy foot steps, threatening close physical proximity, yelling etc.  While she was away things got even worse.  He went into a rage for about 6 hours, ransoming objects around the house, determined to have me buy him replacement clothes that had been stolen from him. I attempted to calm him, but refused to cave into the threats. In response he started smashing firstly a large glass vase with a hockey stick. Once I cleaned it up and made dinner, he smashed the bowl of food against the wall.  Later in the evening it extended to smashing a large kitchen window (into the house). Once the bulk of the glass was cleaned up, he smashed more glass in the broken frame.  I got a glazier over to fix the window (Saturday evening). Once fixed he attempted to smash it again.  Then he took my iPad and totally destroyed it.  After this, he started smashing my bedroom door with a hockey stick. I was barricading myself and the dog in the room. The police had already visited twice in the evening. During this event, I was genuinely scarred. He was out of control.  The police came during this final episode and took him away.  He came back the next morning (Sunday), and I took him to hockey to play a game.  He behaved with no apology or any apparent remorse. The only evidence was that he was pleasant to me for the first time for a whole day.    My wife arrived back from her holiday and he started up again. This extended to threatening her on Sunday afternoon as he was leaving for the evening that "she was lucky he had not smashed the house up again". This threat spurred her into action the next day. She visited the police and several courts, finally finding that she could get a Restraining Order against him in the Childrens Court. This was granted on Monday.    In the next day or so, he will be served with this Restraining Order. He will not be allowed to come within 100 metres of our house or her work.    It is tearing both of us to pieces. However I know that he cannot be allowed to think he can carry out such extreme violence and threats without consequence.    We have had to go for the NUCLEAR option.      ... View more

Odd one out king gizzard and the lizard wizard long name and radically different music to all the rest.    They are a talented and prolific band though. I like some of their music, just in small doses though.  ... View more

Hi Sunflower,   It does actually work. I taught it to my daughter when she was getting upset or stressed about an event she had to attend or participate in. We would do it in the car together just before I dropped her to the event where there were some feelings of anxiety associated with it. Even an exam or important test.    It gets all the good energy / chemicals flowing in the brain.  The trick is to raise your cheeks as high as possible, almost squinting, high cheeks, big crazy grin gets them up high, about 30 seconds typically does the trick. In a minute or so after you’ll feel the flow of good feelings from endophens released in your brain.   It is why laughter, especially a big hearty laugh often makes you feel so good. It’s all in the high cheeks! Good reason to avoid Botox too I guess 😀. Big grin.  ... View more

Music I’m enjoying! alex lahey  alex the astronaut ali barter amy shark aurora billie eilish bishop briggs confidence man eilish gilligan flight facilities G flip george maple grimes halsey jess glynne King gizzard and the lizard wizard lorde mallrat meg mac odette ruby fields vallis alps vera blue   Ps pick the odd one out i have just discovered recently how good a family sharing account on iTunes is.  You can download to your hearts content, and pick out all those old albums you have not listened to for years (since you gave up on records and tapes)   and    download all all the latest music to reinvigorate your music collection and taste.  ... View more

Hi Vig   I like to maintain a sense of humour, even if it is a bit dark as to what is going on. I try not to go down the path of self pity. I feel it does not help me or those around me.    Make sure you take time time each day to find some light.  Even having a good hearty cry helps sometimes. It works well driving in the car. I feel it gets some of the pain out and then I can get on with my day.     I was taught a little physiological trick years ago. There are nerve receptors in the top of your cheeks that when activated for more than 30 seconds, start to trigger all the good feeling hormones in your brain. Try it. Get the biggest grin on your face, think manical mad person or batmans joker, laugh even though it is fake, with your cheeks raised as high as you can and do it for 30 seconds or more. Then see how you feel. I was taught I do it in the car, if you were walking into a meeting with a person you just did not like. It was a way to trigger all the right subliminal responses that people pick up on without realizing. It also works when you are about to walk into a stressful situation, have a difficult event to attend or you just feel like crap. Even if it does not work, I figure that the person in the next car must think I’m crazy and that makes me laugh even more!   Even small things help.  ... View more

Hi Vig,   It’s not any comfort, however my 15 year old son has been doing this and much worse for the last 12 months. It is tough to get through.    I can recommend staying close to your partner, talk and support each other.  Then talk and support each other again. This has been really important for the two of us, to support and try to be consistent in how we deal with what’s going on.    I wish there was a vaccine for this kind of teenage behaviour.  Maybe I need to go into medical research?!    We got to a point with our son where we had tried so many different things, changes to our approach. Nothing has really worked. After hitting brick wall after brick wall with him, we realised we had to look after ourselves though this difficult time.    I was also quite forthright and honest with my friends and work colleagues with what was going on in our life with our son. I then discovered many of the people I worked with had a variety of difficult situations at home. It has helped us to support and understand each other better.    Good luck, look after yourself, your partner and know that you have and are doing the best you can with your daughter.    Regards   Orbit64 ... View more

Hi Nick-RO, I would love some ideas to help with this?   My 15 year old son has completely shut down communication with us. For 12 months now I feel little surprise at the next spectacular event that occurs, as I have found that a few days later it has become the new normal.    I am a problem solver. I gather all the facts and ideas I have and think an intelligent, thoughtful conversation with my son will get through. All the conversations have not made an iota of difference from what I can see.    It got to a point where there was no conversation. If even a minor comment was made or question asked, he would explode yelling, walk away and slam all doors on the way to his room.    Then I heard of the idea of the talking stick, I believe it was used by some indigenous North Americans. The person that held the stick was the only person allowed to talk at a meeting. All had to listen till the person holding the stick had said all they wanted. Then they choose who to pass it onto.    I applied this strategy firstly just with my son. When it worked, I got my wife and son to have a conversation using this technique. Of course, all parties have to respect the rule for it to work.    Unfortunately, this technique no longer works with my son. We are back where I try to have a discussion or conversation, he quickly starts yelling. Therefore we are back to no conversation.  We have become his AirBnB, he just does not pay and we can’t go online and give him a bad tenant rating.    There must be a vaccine for angry and yelling teenagers?! ... View more

Self care things I do: Walking the dog through the local Bushland in the morning before work.  Birds in the trees, throw the ball. Clear the head of all the busy thoughts.    Have a cup of peppermint tea, even though I think I’m desperate for a glass of wine.  Works well during the week.    Listen to the ABC podcast, “Tall tails & true”. Or “Confession booth”. They make me laugh so much.    Listen to an audio book on Audible.  Get lost in a great story while doing other jobs.   I love near future sci-fi and fantasy.    Select lots of new music on ITunes, set up a new Playlist and listen to new music.  I am so impressed by all the new young Aussie singers and musicians.    ************************************************* No no idea how my 15 yo teen boy relaxes.  Any connection that was there is gone.  Not sure if or when it will return.  ... View more

The intervention we had with True North achieved some improvement.    The worst of our sons behaviour improved substantially.  This is in the context that we were on the verge of throwing him out.    It did not achieve the great turn around I had hoped for. That is not reflection on the program. It is a reflection of a boy that is very stubborn and self centred.  I would recommend you talk to True North about your specific situation and decide from there.  ... View more

We are now on the path of do nothing/get nothing.  Reward for doing good things. That is hard to find them doing good stuff when it has been so bad. An improvement is good, but it is hard to offer or feel praise when they have been so difficult.    Next we will have to start withdrawing things.  He does not get it that to be a functional member of this household (or any other for that matter) he has to do things to live.  Wash clothes, do dishes etc.  We are trying to implement a jobs schedule with rewards. It is not working very well at the moment.  ... View more

Two weeks post Adventure Therapy report. We have had an up and down two weeks post trip return.    Our son's behaviour has improved. It has not been the big step change I now realise I had hoped for. However, on my rating scale this is where we are.   4 weeks before adventure Therapy. 150/100 on the BBTS (Badly Behaving Teen Scale). 2 weeks before adventure Therapy. 130/100 BBTS. 2 weeks after Return from Adventure Therapy. 80/100 BBTS    Less than 10/100 I would class as a thoughtful considerate teen with the odd bad day.    Overall my rating for Adventure Bush Therapy? It was great for us. If we had not sent our son on this, I do not know where we would be now. Simply as some days are now tolerable.   Prior to this, we were shattered and falling apart.  ... View more

Hi Jammy Of all the resources we have used, my wife and I agree that the parent coaching has been the most helpful. We each had different coaches which was also really good, as this provided additional ideas we could try out. I highly recommend doing it. ... View more

Hi Jammy,   Three days after his return, I felt it was all a failure. I felt incredibly low which is rare for me. I had concluded the only solution was to provide him an ultimatum, of either move out or shape up. This obviously has all sorts of problems. My wife fortunately got me to calm down and I had my third parent coaching on ReachOut.    It it is now one week later. My son has had one follow up discussion with the Wilderness Therapy director, and we are seeing all sorts of improvements in behaviour that we were not seeing before he went.    I did expect more discussion with my son about what he had learnt and what he was going to put into action. He has claimed he did not like it and did not get anything out of it. The photos and report we have are at odds with his comments on this.   Our strategies are working much better though. No display of extreme anger. Some disrespect, however we can pull him up and he will apologise.  We have implemented a hardware solution to wifi / internet access. This is working well. Complete blocking all night. Access control at other times.  He has to earn everything. No pocket money, no access to cash.  Food provided at home.    We have a long way back to get to a level where we all start to feel comfortable again.    I took him to play hockey yesterday. We were close to a native plant nursery we are familiar with. In the past we have enjoyed replanting areas of the garden at the start of spring. I suggested we buy some plants, not expecting anything. To my surprise he wanted to. At home he concentrated and helped for about 45 min. That is a turn around in itself. He agreed we can do more in the next few weeks.    So I can say with confidence 1 week after he is back that the True North Wilderness Therapy has proved to be the turning point we were looking to achieve. Without this I believe we would be wringing our hearts and minds this week as to whether we could cope any more and just change the locks and let him fend for himself.  ... View more

One other quick comment. Where the above device fails is if they have lots of data on their phone. So the solution to this is: 1 no phone. Or 2. the lowest data plan for the phone and they have to use wifi at home. Our main issue was to achieve sensible sleep cycles and also manage access times to social media, Netflix etc. in the home. This does the job really well. ... View more