Hi - I'm sorry to hear that you are going through the same issues that I am.  It sucks and it's not fair but that is just something that I guess we have to deal with and getting help through forums like this and through other professional places really does help.  So my daughter is now 15 and she is still having problems.  It's taken her a long time to realise that getting professional help is the best thing that she can do for herself.  Her problems lie with perfectionism, self esteem and social anxiety.  She still self harms but only occasionally rather than every day.  This is because she still hasn't found a better way to deal with the amount of stress she feels at the time.  This is still really hard for me to write about and I have a constant level of anxiety that sits with me all day every day but I have learned to push that aside when I am around the kids.  My daughter has commenced year 10 this year and the work load is huge already but she has a great group of teachers, school counsellor, dietitian, GP, and we are still looking for that 'perfect fit' psychologist.  She has attempted to work with 3 since late 2016 but none of them seem to make her feel comfortable enough to open up to.  She is ready to talk and she does things on her own terms so I have to trust her in terms of finding the right person because that person will be with her for a long time and will need to support her for many years going forward.  Lots of people have told me that it can take 5, 6 or more attempts to find the right person so perseverance is the key right now.  She talks to the school counsellor, GP and dietitian openly so when she finds that psychologist that she trusts I am sure she will move forward in leaps and bounds.  The key to my daughter moving forward has been to lay off the blame and pressure, make life as enjoyable as possible, make home the safe place (don't make it the place where she is doing everything wrong - so what if she's left a plate on the table or left her shoes out - there are more important things in life).  I have let her manage her school work and not provided any pressure to get homework done or get assignments in on time and this resulted in good grades.  I say to her "Imagine the grades you could get if you tried" - I don't say this to pressure her, it's more telling her that right now, if she can't put in the effort that is ok - it will come.  This year she has had a good start - using her diary well, using checklists, diving into sport that she loves.  She's laughing a lot more, gets along better with her brothers, hangs out with the family more, eats pretty well, looks after herself.  All of this is a far cry from what was happening this time last year.  So whilst things aren't 'normal', they are as normal as they can be for now and if she self harms I don't show disappointment or concern - I just say 'it's ok' because I know that she has a mental illness and I know that she really doesn't want to be doing it but she doesn't know any other way sometimes.  My advice to you is as follows: 1. Encourage your child to seek professional help but make sure they are happy with the person they are seeing otherwise it won't work.  It's ok to try a few people until you find the right one - they don't get offended. 2. If eating is an issue - find a good dietitian. 3. Have a good GP 4. If there is a school counsellor or nurse talk to them and get their support at school 5. Show them that you love them, spend time with them, acknowledge their achievements and ignore the little things they do wrong. 6. Help them to understand that it's ok to not be perfect, it's ok to get things wrong, it's ok if you don't feel good sometimes - allow them to be themselves - let them feel how they want to feel and show support in the down times. 7. Let them have their alone time 8. Eat family dinners a lot 9. Do more things as a family. 10. Get yourself some support - Reach Out is great to chat but there are places you can go to just chat for free in person - google helps with finding these places. 11. Take care of yourself and if you have other children don't forget about them.   Good luck and if you need to chat more let me know - sometimes I have really bad days so might not want to chat but you've caught me on an ok day so I hope I have helped. ... View more

Hi. Sorry I haven't had the chance to chat lately. Things got quite low and scary there with my daughter and she had a trip to go on which I ended up on too.  I had no internet so haven't been able to write and then I lost my password so my apologies.  I went on the trip for support if she needed and she did really well. There was still an undercurrent but it was nice to see her smiling and a bit more confident. I'm kept low key on the trip because she wanted to be independent but every now and then she came to for a quick hello which was nice. This was good for me too. I learned a lot about what she can do on her own rather than what she shouldn't do.  We returned form the trip just before Christmas and we had a lovely day and then went away as a family for a bit which was nice albeit a little stressful at times.  I think it helped us to bond a bit more as a family as we were far from our normal location.  I had a whole of the school holidays off which was a deliberate effort to provide the kids with a stable and happy time at home in the hope that this year would start well.  So the school year has started and so far so good.  She seems more like herself although I can see that there is still a long way to go.  I am hopeful that she becomes stronger as the year moves on and she copes with some of the stressors that come her way in a positive and constructive manner.  I am prepared for set backs but I am hopeful that she won't revert to her old coping methods.  I'm going to write a summary of how we have helped her over the last few months and how she has helped herself and how I have sought help so that anyone reading this can know they are not alone if they are experiencing similar things with their children.  It really does help to read other people's experiences.  Thanks for caring!  You have no idea how much you have all helped me personally through this nightmare!  Give me some time to write my story now.  Mumtoo - stay strong and look after yourself in order to look after your son. ... View more

Thank you I feel better this afternoon and that's partly because of this forum. You are all so great! As for work-it's our business and I work on my own which is good as I can cry a lot but bad as I need distraction so I'm doing my best for the 3 days I have to work and try to keep busy on my days off. Fingers crossed she's ok when I pick her up today. ... View more

Hi - I just wonder if you can tell me a bit about your story and the recovery of your child from self harm.  Right now everyone says it's ok and they'll get through it and it will be a big learning curve for them but right now I can't see how this cycle will end.  I think I just need to hear a good news story including how you were around your daughter each day whilst she was in a bad way.  My daughter won't let me talk to her at all about any of it.  If I do she gets very angry and goes to her room and I'm not allowed in.  She won't allow her Dad to know either (he does know - he's not silly).  We have no idea what the trigger has been other than some school yard bullying about 4-5 months ago but I think this has rocked her self esteem, body image and view on life.  Your story might help me to understand a bit better because right now I feel like I am driving my daughter away with my worrying.  I don't really know how to help her if she won't let me help her. ... View more

As I suspected, she's self harming again.  I think she's moved on to her torso and she's quite secretive and not herself.  I am so worried.  I am talking to my own counsellor/ coach who is trying to help me stay focussed and healthy but everytime my daughter falls over, so do I.  I've just spent an hour and a half at work and I've done one thing.  The rest of the time I'm thinking and worrying, checking my emails, crying.  I'm really not coping very well and I just feel so alone.  Even my partner said that I am worrying myself into a stupor to which I took offence.  This morning she pretended she'd eaten breakfast by putting crumbs from the toaster on a plate.  I knew she hadn't eaten and she lied right to may face which she does a lot.  She's very good at masking things. I told her that I knew she hadn't eaten and that I would make her some toast and hot chocolate.  She ate the toast and had a little bit of hot chocolate.  My family is falling apart too because my two sons are struggling with keeping hands to themselves and controlling their actions and my youngest is feeling really sad.  I just want a fairy to come in and wave a magic wand and make everything ok.  At least my youngest is talking to me about his feelings.  OK - I'd better get back to work.  Thanks for listening. ... View more

Feeling a bit worried today for no particular reason but I guess that is to be expected.  My daughter has een a bit more even keeled over the last week which is heartening but I can't help but worry.  I tried to have a chat with her about the internet and some things I thought she was looking at but she just got very angry with me and told me that I am not to talk to her about any of this ever!  I feel so very helpless because if she could tell me what the issue was and what is causing her so much pain that she feels she has to harm herself then maybe that would take the pressure off of her and she would feel a bit better every day.  But she won't talk to me about any of it.  I decided on Sunday that I would stop snooping, assuming and prying and just start listening, observing and giving her the space she needs at home.  I promised her that I would stop trying to talk to her about it.  I am worried that she is still harming herself and I am worried that things may be worse deep down than she is showing us all and the hard part is that we have no control over that.  I want to do more for her but she won't let me.  So next week she goes away for school for 2 weeks and she will be so far away I won't be able to catch her if she falls.  She has a great team of people around her who know what has been happening so I hope that that will be enough and I hope she is kept busy and happy enough that she begins to feel better about things whilst away from school.  She talks about the things she looks forward to and the things she want to do during the holidays and the following year and into the future so that gives me hope that she is trying really hard to feel better.  I just want life to go back to normal - I just want my happy go lucky little girl back who loves life and her family and her friends.   ... View more

Thanks yes I know - my worrying has taken over to the point where I can't function properly but you will be pleased to know that I am seeing my own counsellor who is helping me to focus on less worry / more life.  She has asked me if my worrying has affected what is happening with my daughter - good or bad.  I know that it hasn't but I sometimes feel that if I take my mind off of it then something bad might happen and I will feel incredibly guilty.  I know that is silly and simple worrying thoughts won't change anything and will most likely put stress on my daughter that she doesn't need.  I am trying really hard to continue normal life things for her sake and I am trying to do enjoyable things with all the family.  It's a battle in my mind especially for someone who is usually optimistic.  Like I said - I feel ok today and I am trying really hard to minimise my worrying thoughts. ... View more

Hi everyone - thank you all so much for your messages of support and encouragements and advice.  I had a really hard week last week where it seemed that my daughter was back to feeling suicidal.  I was worried after we went to the GP to get another care plan and talk about the pill.  I had to leave the room and when I signed the care plan I saw that my daughter had told her that she was feeling suicidal but less so lately.  I went to her room to see if I could get a sense of anything else and I found some really dark writing.  It really scared me and I cried uncontrollably all day.  I just didn't know what to do.  If that aspect wasn't on the table I would cope so much better with everything else. I spoke with her psychologist who told me that I needed to tell my daughter what I had done but that it was out of care and concern for her safety.  I told my daughter what I had found on the way to her psychologist appointment.  She was so cross with me but I stood strong and I listed all of the people who love her and think so much of her and value her.  I told her that she is loved and respected and how much I admired her bravery.  I also expressed my fears and how I would feel if she wasn't around.  I told her how much I missed 'us' as we used to be 6 months ago.  She told me she lied to the GP just to tell her something because she didn't want to tell her what was really wrong.  She wouldn't tell me what that was though.  My daughter had a long chat with her psychologist and then I had a good chat with her as well and felt a little better and hopeful - she always seem to put both of us at ease about things.  So then my daughter surprised me as she was not cross with me, she was smiling at me, she wanted to spend some time shopping with me.  All weekend she was just fine.  When she returns to school I worry because that is where the issue is.  I am counting down the days to the end of the year because I think the summer break will be really important for her.  She wants to go to school which is great but something there upsets her.  Her laptop is broken now which I am kind of glad about as she was quite attached to it.  We will be getting anew one as she needs it for school but there will be strict guidelines around it.  Now we turn the internet off and she is not to have electronics in her room.  This week she has been sitting listening to audio books and painting in an art book - this seems theraputic.  I am still scared for her every minute of every day.  She didn't want the pill because she didn't feel like it was a hormonal thing.  I'm not so sure because she was so down last week but this week she has her period.  I am now recording her moods and her cycle (I have to be a detective for this as she doesn't like to talk about any of it).  I make sure she eats breakfast each day - even if I make it for her.  I make sure she eats dinner every night.  I am still struggling a lot.  My partner was great over the weekend as he held a family chat (first time ever) to talk about the messy house and screen time for all 3 kids.  My daughter was worried he might have known something he shouldn't about her but it wasn't about her.  I have told my daughter that I will not snoop in her room again so that she can feel trust in me.  I have kept my word so far only going in her room if invited.  I am so tempted to have a look in her book but I think I need to stop doing that and use my eyes, ears, instinct, love, words and care to guage how she is feeling.  She is going on an overseas school trip in 3 weeks for 2 weeks which the psychologist said will be good for her (harder for me).  She is so excited and is packed already.  She's looking forward to a few things coming up and talks about next year and when she grows up which makes me happy but I remain wary.  I am happy that she spends more time out of her room than in.  So whilst today I am ok - still scared and wary, I have felt strong enough to write this.  I am so thankful to you all for taking time to talk to me - it helps a lot.  I wish we could talk openly to anyone and everyone about this but the poor children who suffer this illness would be judged and that would make it worse.  Oh and I meant to say that screen time does put my daughter in a mood even if I know she is watching a funny thing - I think it is a zone they go into and so limiting screen time has really help.  Removing self harm objects that I find in her school pockets and the psychologist said this is ok but that she will always find something.  My thinking is that it might delay the thought for her at that moment.  Please keep your advice coming as anything you can share is gratefully accepted.   ... View more

Thanks - I do try to see and tell her the good things she is doing and the good choices she makes.  I have made a GP appointment because she needs to add to her mental health plan referral.  Her psychologist suggested we speak to the doctor about the pill because it could be hormonal.  This all started with some boys at school bullying her but I can't help thinking there is more to it because it has escalated to this behaviour so quickly.  I am trying to keep her off of the internet as much as possible but she sees this as me being untrusting of her - I don't want her to think this way but she is right.  I don't trust her judgement right now but I don't want her to know that.  She is eating ok. ... View more

Yes but she was very clear about me not talking to her about any of this.  We used to be fine!  She was a great, happy, kooky girl and now she's angry and sneaky and secretive.  I try to talk to her but she just gets cross.  Sometimes I strike her at the right moment and I can say things to her about her likes (sport) and we looked at old photos the other day and I try to encourage movie nights but I have 2 younger boys as well who I know she loves but sometimes she is so mean to them.  I did see writing on her hand this morning that were like hints for self control like counting backwards from 10 and spinning around 3 times.  MC was another one but I don't know what that stands for.  She has been looking up self-harm profiles on instagram and I have blocked a few of these.  She is very focussed on her mobile phone now where before she couldn't care less about it.  I think she looks up stuff in the toilets at school.  I keep finding self-harm things in her pockets.  I take them away and I don't mention it to her.  I am hoping this is the right thing to do because that might make her rethink what she is about to do.  I really am drowning. ... View more

Thanks Luula - I'm struggling to find where I should be writing now.  I can see a reply on my email but I don't know if this is where I need to be now.  My mind is all over the place so my ability to find this - it's hard. ... View more