About Janine-RO

Janine-RO · ‎07-19-2021

Hi @Perth1993 , It sounds like it's been a tough few years for you, I can definitely relate - I spent 4 years as a sole parent as well. Going through a separation is so rough, especially when there's kids involved , and you're also having to deal with the messy financial side of things. Financial advice isn't our area of specific expertise, but I'm sure a lot of people here may be able to relate to the stress of having to financially rebuild at the same time as rebuilding other areas of your life, and juggling the challenges that come with being single parent/ co-parenting. I can definitely recommend having a look at some free budgeting tools, and seeing a financial counsellor can also be a great way to start feeling more in control of your financial life/ future after a separation. We have a great list here of support services for single parents: , everything from practical support to specific services in your area. In that list there's a few free apps that could be useful for you in helping you to start getting your head around rebuilding your finances- Pocketbook This budgeting app syncs with your bank account and automatically organises your spending into categories, showing you where you spend your money. It’s like a personal assistant for your money. You’ll also get notifications for when bills are due – never cop a late fee again! Free on iPhone and Android. Bring! This groceries app lets you make shopping lists – you can add details like quantities needed and your own photos (so you remember which brand you like using). You can make multiple lists for events, and users can sync their lists so everyone is involved with the planning. Free on iPhone and Android. Supercook Supercook is a recipe service available online and as an app. You can search recipes by what ingredients you already have at home, so it’s a useful tool for when you don’t manage to visit the shops and want to throw together a quick meal. Free on iPhone and Android. Cozi This is a shared calendar and organising app. It can be useful for keeping track of everyone’s events and activities, and has inbuilt grocery and recipe plans. It can also be a good way to share schedules if you have a co-parenting arrangement. Free on iPhone and Android. For me personally, sticking to a budget and minimising debt were so helpful when I was a sole parent of a young child - simple things like not having a credit card (if that's possible for you), being frugal when grocery shopping, and buying second hand when possible are all small changes you can make that really do add up in the long term. With buying a car, chatting to your bank could also be a good idea- they can often give really good advice for your situation. Do you mind if I ask if you've finalised the financial aspects of your separation yet? That can be super stressful (not to mention expensive) - I can point you towards some services that can offer support in this area if that would be helpful. Apart from the financial pressures, how are you finding single parent life? It's a big change- we're glad you could come here to chat about what's been happening for you. Do you have people in your life to lean on for support on the tough days?

Janine-RO · ‎07-13-2021

Checking in from Day 1 of home learning! So far, it's overall been a more positive experience in my household, compared to 2020. It's not a walk in the park, but I feel like we've all slipped back into the groove a bit better than last time. Teachers are the absolute unsung heroes of this pandemic in my humble opinion (and if you're also a teacher, do check out ReachOut Schools here!) Our teachers have gone above and beyond in the last week, and the process has been far less stressful than it was last time. We use a few different platforms and apps, which is less painful this time because it's more familiar for my young person. In our case, my daughter likes to have some idea what to expect each week- so her anxiety has lifted a lot now that she has her work for the week, and I can hear her chatting online with her best friend as they work together. I'm also just going to tag a few people who may be in the same boat and have posted recently about their school aged young person, and @Philippa-RO is also a fellow working parent with kids at home. @Birdwings @Claire123 @ToriH @Hopesprings123 @charliebear @KaseyBear @Jojo_123 @maybe @sidneysdad @compassion @Toz1972

Janine-RO · ‎07-07-2021

Hello parents and carers, 2021 continues to bring ups and downs for our parents community, and we know that a number of parents and carers today will be adjusting to the news that schools will be returning to learning from home for the first week of Term 3. Learning from home/ home schooling/ remote learning: As a parent myself, I can definitely say this was one of the biggest challenges for myself and my family in 2020. We have been reflecting on the lessons we learned then- and ReachOut have developed a range of resources to help support parents and carers of young people. Every family, and every young person, is different. My young person enjoyed some aspects of home based learning - she enjoyed having more autonomy over her time, "not being around the loud kids who always get into trouble", and found a nice routine where she would work with her best friend via zoom. That being said, we also know that some parents did it really tough - especially people who experienced long lockdowns, young people in year 12, and kids with additional support needs. Firstly- we thought it was important to acknowledge the unsung heroes of this pandemic - our wonderful teachers, support staff, SLSOs, and everyone else involved in the mammoth task of educating our children. Teachers are the absolute unsung heroes of this pandemic in my humble opinion (and if you're also a teacher, do check out ReachOut Schools here!) Our teachers have gone above and beyond in the last week, and the process has been far less stressful than it was last time. If you're a teacher reading this: So - here's some material we've created to help support people in a range of situations: 1. Routine: Creating a "new normal" routine was huge for our family - for us, it includes going for a walk together before we all start work for the day, and meeting for a tea break in the afternoon. Help your teen stick to a routine during COVID-19 2. Motivation: There were some days where we all struggled with our motivation - and I reflected that if I, as an adult, was struggling sometimes, it was no wonder that some days my oldest child didn't want to get off the couch! We also wanted to acknowledge that sometimes, a doona day is totally valid self care, for adults and teens alike. Read about motivating your teen when school is the last thing on their mind here 3. Handling stress about the future: I know that my young person is getting really anxious about what the future looks like at the moment- the uncertainty is so hard. We have heard this from a lot of other parents- when you're just starting out your adult life, it can be really rough not knowing what work, study, or travel opportunities will be available in the future This article is all about what to do if your teen is stressed about the future Finally, we've got some really practical tools to help young people figure out how to study in such uncertain and weird times: 4. Coping with study stress: Stressed about study during coronavirus? If school life is overwhelming right now, you're not alone. View our collection of study stress resources to help you get through the disruptions of covid. 5. Working out your at home study style: This is a fun quiz, which helps young people (and adults!) get insight into their own learning style, and what strategies might be helpful for them. Quiz: What's your at-home study style? Most importantly- we wanted to let parents and carers know that it's so valid, and completely OK, to be experiencing a range of emotions at the moment. You may be angry, frustrated, stressed, or totally over it! Or, you may be totally fine. This is a safe space to chat, share what's working for you, and know that you're not alone if the home learning road is a bit rocky.

Janine-RO · ‎06-30-2021

Thanks so much for your kind words @ToriH , and welcome to our community. I'm loving your tips- my mum always wrote things down, and I use both an app to track my to-do list, and also write things on a notebook. Love the satisfaction of crossing off something - even if it's just "fed my children" The music comment really resonated with me as well - I've been listening to a lot of music lately, both while I'm walking, and as background while I'm working (I can't concentrate in dead silence, and am now back to sharing a home office with a spouse) - I've been loving the Hamilton Mixtape, rediscovering music I loved from the 2000s, and have curated a classical music playlist for deep concentration. I've always been a music lover, and I've found it super helpful when things are tough. I also love live music/ theatre, so listening to talented people perform reminds me that there are brighter times ahead :) I'm also just going to tag in some of our members who've been active lately - would love to hear how you're going, and what's been working for you in these strange times Sending all of our best wishes to you all - lockdown can be just another thing to add to a stressful situation, if your young person's already having a rough time. This is a safe space to vent, or share, any time. @Birdwings @sidneysdad @Casdog @Kathryn_Mac43 @Toz1972 @Uffers555 @Ousais @Collyflower89 @kaiso @sailonbluesea @Trackle @Argie1234 @lisaf90 @Overwhelmedmum

Janine-RO · ‎06-29-2021

Hello parents and carers: It's safe to say that 2021 isn't exactly a smooth ride so far. Dealing with the uncertainty of new covid outbreaks, as well as the many logistical spanners in the works, can be super stressful for everyone involved. Speaking as a parent of two kids myself, I will be very honest and say that spending winter holidays in lockdown wasn't quite what we had in mind, to recharge halfway through the year! There's been a lot of coverage in the media lately about mental health, young people, and the impact of covid on all of those things - but we also know that parents have a huge role to play here, both in helping their young people to build their toolkit of coping skills, and also in terms of looking after YOU. In my family, I always notice that things tend to get a bit rocky when I'm really stressed. So for me, I have to look after myself, even when that feels like just another item on an overflowing to do list. So with that in mind, we wanted to share 5 tips for parents who are navigating these uncertain times. 1. Put on your own oxygen mask first - whatever that looks like for you. I have had to make self care a HUGE priority this lockdown- to be really honest, one of my biggest worries has been burning out myself. Between working from home (again!), school holiday plans suddenly being cancelled, and suddenly having a tween and young kid at home, my candle was burning at both ends. For me, self care looks like going for long walks while I listen to podcasts, going to bed early when I'm exhausted, mindfulness meditation, and connecting with friends when I need to vent/cry/laugh. 2. Go with the flow- and take things one day at a time This one has been a game changer for me- I'm usually a planner in our family. But right now, we are taking life one day at a time. I'm saying yes to more random things, letting my kids take the lead when possible in what they want to do, and trying to stay focused on the present. 3. Explore your local area, and find a new routine We hear from young people that it's often the loss of the mundane things that start to really add to that sense that life is just dragging on - without the rhythm of normal activities, a week can suddenly feel like a long time. We've found that building new routines into our lockdown life has been really helpful - for example, my daughter and I often go for a walk before I start work, and pick up a takeaway coffee together. It means she gets outside, and we get to chat about silly stuff. Exercise can be another great way to have some routine in your life- plus it boosts those endorphins, gives you a legitimate reason to leave the house, and is proven to help with mild depression/anxiety. All good things! We have a great article about how to help your family stick to a routine during covid here 4. Embrace a doona day when you need it The flip side of this - is that sometimes, it is totally OK for everyone to do absolutely nothing, if that's what is needed. Rest is important, especially when we've been under sustained stress. In my family, this looks like a lazy dinner/ takeaway, and reading/ watching movies/ lazing around doing nothing 5. Connect with other people - in whatever way works for you. We aren't meant to parent alone - it's a cliche now, but there's a lot to be said for having a village. That can mean calling trusted friends, or coming to an online community like this one, or going for a socially distanced walk with a neighbour. For me- that sometimes is as simple as sharing a meme with a friend over WhatsApp, or having a quick chat with my mum over zoom as i cook dinner. And if you're struggling - don't hesitate to use professional help. There's a lot of different options out there, and you can check out some of those here , or click here for urgent help if you feel like you or your young person need it. 6. Check out ReachOut Parents page here! If you're someone who likes to read/ watch videos/ hear from experts, we have a lot of different resources that you can check out- everything from articles, to practical tools to help you and your young person through these uncertain times. Supporting your teen through coronavirus It's also worth saying that there is no one size fits all solution, and we would love to hear from parents and carers here too: what's been working for you? Did you learn any lessons from previous lockdowns, that are helping you out now? It would be great to hear you all, that way this can also be a bit of a resource for other parents. Sending virtual strength and solidarity all!

Janine-RO · ‎06-21-2021

Hi @Argie1234 , We definitely hear a lot from parents who are concerned about their teens' social media use, and it's something that can be even tricker to navigate when you're co-parenting with an ex. In terms of the law, a lot of these issues are a bit of a grey area, and they also vary from state to state in Australia in some cases. In terms of your son's legal status- in Australia, you become an adult legally at 18, however it's recognised that young people aged 16-18 in particular will have more rights than younger kids. I'm wondering if you and your ex have a parenting agreement, or if you've ever had mediation together at all? A lot of separated parents find that a parenting agreement can be useful in helping to manage differences in opinions like the one you're describing here. It's also pretty common for young people to have one set of rules for mum's house, and one set of rules for dad's house- that can be quite normal and appropriate, but it can also be incredibly tricky to navigate for everyone involved. We hear from a lot of parents who are confused/ uncertain/ worried about social media, phones and their young people - we are actually taking part in a free webinar with a range of experts on this issue tomorrow - this could be a really good opportunity for you to get some input from various experts on these questions. If you're interested, you can find more about that here. It's free to register, and will also be recorded: Keeping up with teen tech With your son and the doctor, it looks like you're in WA, is that right? This article gives a good outline of the different considerations with confidentiality and young people - basically, a lot of this is also in your son's control. Sometimes young people may want to talk about a sensitive subject that they may not want their parents to know about, but in some cases they will need and want their parents' support. How does your son feel about these issues? This age can be so tricky!

Janine-RO · ‎06-16-2021

Just popping in to tag some parents who have posted recently about similar topics and may be interested in this event, please do feel free to share this with any friends or family who may like to attend as well :) @Birdwings @Mama-S @Midwestmom @TRIPLEP13 @Informational @Boring_Old_Dad @footy @Nanna1925 @Bacardi @Holly_p @demelza @Gwinny @Jessr21 @Canada1970 @Skyisblue @muhammadblibla @fallingapart @VeryConfused @LJmumof3 @Goneforawalk @Swolfy @meggymoo14 @hawkfan

Janine-RO · ‎06-16-2021

Hello parents and carers, We are delighted to announce an exciting webinar, that is available free of charge next week. How to keep up with your teens online Our own Annie Wylie will be representing ReachOut- here's a bit more about this very exciting, free event! I will be attending with my parent hat on - my daughter is now 12, and is definitely in the age group where I am extremely mindful of her social media use, what apps are appropriate, and constantly having to re-negotiate boundaries along with my husband- around what she's allowed to have on her phone, time limits, amount of scrutiny, and what apps are an absolute no go. I work in the digital mental health space, and I still sometimes find it overwhelming! Here's some more details about the event, and if you click through on the top link you can find out all about the wonderful panel. It goes without saying that it’s easier to keep up to speed with what teenagers are doing IRL than on the internet. If IRL (internet slang for ‘in real life’) left you scratching your head, you aren’t alone. Our latest research found one-in-three Australians don’t feel they can keep up with or understand the latest online and social media trends popular with teens. Not only are Aussies finding it hard to keep up, but 43% of parents of 8-15 year olds also don’t feel strongly confident having conversations with their children around setting boundaries for tech and social media use. Having “the talk” with your kids these days is more than it used to be. You used to be have hours of child-friendly, regulated content to entertain your kids after school. But in the age of devices, parents can no longer be laissez-faire about the digital habits of their kids. To help parents who feel like they’re falling behind get up to speed with the latest social media and tech trends tweens and teens are following, we are bringing together a panel of experts to share their knowledge in a free webinar, ‘Keeping Up With Teen Tech’. Hosted by Em Rusciano, the virtual event is for any parent that has ever wondered: Why is my 15-year-old drinking lettuce water? What on earth is a FYP? Surely watching a gamer playing a game is not as enjoyable as playing the game, right? Our panellists will explore everything from the social platforms every parent should know about, to what’s #trending and tips on how to set boundaries and navigate conversations about online behaviour. We want to make Aussie parents feel empowered and educated to ask the right questions and have the conversations they need to be having in 2021. Everyone is invited to join the conversation on June 22nd at 7pm AEST as Em Rusciano talks with Social Media Expert Grace Watkins, Aussie TikTok sensation Scott Boersen, Telstra cyber safety pro Darren Pauli, and ReachOut Parents’ Annie Wylie as they discuss and explore the ever-developing world of social platforms and tech for teens. We will run a live Q&A chat on the night, so save your questions for Em or any of the experts and register to attend. Best of all, it’s free! I will tag some parents who may be interested below - and we we would love to continue the conversation here! It's something that is often on my mind, I grew up without smartphones and social media, and it's an area of parenting a tween that is particularly challenging for me. Hope to 'see' some of you there next week!

Janine-RO · ‎06-15-2021

Hi Jurluk, thank you for sharing what is going on for you and your daughter. I’m sorry to hear your daughter attempted suicide. It must have been so painful to watch her go through that. I’m happy to hear she is getting the support and medication to carry her after the hard time she has had. Do you have a support network around you at the moment? Friends, family or even a psychologist? In regards to the school refusal, as stressful as it is, it is something a lot of parents are chatting about at the moment. We actually have a bunch of other parents chatting about it on this thread here. You are so welcome to join the discussion if you feel called to. You may have already tried this but I’m wondering if there is any support/advocacy your daughter's psychologist can provide to the school. It must be frustrating that they are taking a hard approach. The last two years of school are stressful at the best of times, it would be great if the school could get on board with supporting your daughter to get to the finish line.

Janine-RO · ‎06-15-2021

Hi @Helplessmum , Firstly, I'm so sorry that you're carrying so much pain and stress, I'm also a mum of 2 kids, and feeling helpless is a terrible feeling. Reading your post, I'm struck by how much you clearly adore your daughter, and how much you genuinely want the best for her. It's clear that she trusts you with intimate details of her life (a lot of sex workers will often keep their profession secret from their parents in particular), and though I can imagine it would be very confronting to hear about her chosen job, I think it's huge that she trusts you enough to tell you that. I can imagine it would feel pretty frightening to know that your daughter is working as a sex worker - is it ok if I ask what it is specifically that's concerning you? My understanding (which is based on having read a few memoirs of sex workers as part of my university studies, as well as studying some areas of this more generally from a public health standpoint), is that there's a huge range of sex workers. Some will live very risky lives, for example if there's drug misuse involved, or they're working 'on the streets'. Some will be treated as professionals, in some cases they may earn good money, have health care included, safety checks, and compulsory use of protection, for example. Has your daughter told you why she's decided on sex work, and have you had the chance to talk to her about the concerns you may have? I'm also hearing that she seems to be struggling with day to day life (for example sleeping a lot of the day), which I suppose could also be to do with the fact that sex work is also essentially shift work... are you concerned about her mental health more generally? I'm just going to link a few articles we have about mental health and young people, especially what we as parents can do when they don't want to seek help. We also have an article about risky behaviour, which may also be relevant if she's engaging in risky activities like having unprotected sex. RIsk taking and young people What to do if your young person doesn't want help. Finally I wanted to acknowledge that everyone's moral compass/ moral code is different. Especially when it comes to sex work - and I will be really honest, and say that even though I personally believe that women have the right to work in their chosen profession, I would also be deeply concerned if my daughter told me she was working as a sex worker. It's really hard to know how we'll react in these situations because for me, this is hypothetical. For you, this is your much loved and cherished daughter. Do you have anyone in your life you're able to lean on for support? Looking forward to hearing from you @Helplessmum , and I hope that posting here has helped you feel a bit less alone. This is a safe and supportive community and we are here to listen.

Janine-RO · ‎06-09-2021

Hi @Peaceful , What a lovely username Thanks so much for sharing your experience, it's always so valuable to hear from other parents who are in similar situations.. and I can hear that you have a lot of insight into both your son's behaviour, and things that tend to set him off. You clearly love him very much and take a compassionate view of his behaviour, even when it's hurtful. You're so right, that it can really stun you/ hit you in the guts when your child says something aggressive or hurtful to you. I've also experienced that - and I will be honest and say I experienced a range of emotions. I was upset, angry, and also totally shocked- hearing someone you literally gave birth to be verbally abusive is an awful feeling. It's really valid to be hurt by that, and it's also ok to set firm boundaries, but I love how you've been able to pair this with a really compassionate approach. Do you have any other children @Peaceful ?

Janine-RO · ‎06-07-2021

@charliebear I really appreciate your response, your comment about peckers made me giggle- I'm now a mum of a young boy as well as a tween, and we have to have many discussions about boundaries, and keeping certain parts of our bodies to ourselves! I love how you've set clear boundaries in a really authentic and genuine way - I think that is so important. Life must be extremely busy as a mum of 4 and grandma of 4- do you see a lot of your grandsons? I was a sole parent for 4 years, and while it was definitely super challenging at times, I also now have a very close relationship with my daughter, that remains close now I have married. Single parenting can be a tough gig at times, do you have much support for yourself? I found that it was my fellow mum friends who kept me sane - whether that was in person, over the phone, or mates I met in various online support groups over the years

Janine-RO · ‎06-07-2021

Hi @charliebear , It's so lovely to have you on the forums, welcome! Really appreciate your generosity in sharing your experiences, it can help so much for other parents to know they're not alone. I'm also a mum, and like you I find online communities really helpful, especially if they're non-judgmental, safe spaces. I've found in my 12 years as a parent that you can often have judgment on basically every decision you make as a parent, and sometimes that can be so unhelpful! Especially when you may just want to feel like someone is listening, and hearing you- holding space for people to share their story is such a powerful thing to do. I'd love to hear how you were able to let go of your anger? I was also a sole parent for many years, and I experienced such a huge range of emotions... but ultimately, I found that pure anger could become toxic. I needed to feel whatever emotion I was feeling, sit with those feelings, and then ultimately move on. It's a hard thing to do sometimes though, isn't it. I'm so glad that you found reaching out to other people who've walked similar paths to be helpful and we are glad you've found our community here This quote has always resonated with me. We're not supposed to parent in isolation, and sometimes our "village" can be online.

Janine-RO · ‎06-07-2021

Hi @ahouseof3 , I just thought I would quickly check in with you, and see how you are feeling today? I have a daughter who's a similar age (mine is 12), and I can only imagine how distressing it must be as a parent to have your child experiencing this kind of trauma at school. I hope you're able to get some answers from her school, and hopefully get some support for both of you moving forward. In my experience, approaching either the year advisor, guidance counsellor, or assistant principal generally seems to get the best results - as you'd be aware, most schools should have pretty good frameworks to address bullying. Ideally, they should be willing to work with you both to support your daughter, make sure she feels safe, and address the unacceptable behaviour with the students. That being said, I also know this doesn't always happen. We do have some really good resources on both ReachOut Parents, and ReachOut schools, around these issues. If you think it would be helpful I'd be happy to share some more, but here's a few as a starting point: ReachOut Schools: Bullying What to do if your teen is being bullied Cyberbullying and teenagers I imagine it would have felt very upsetting hearing that your daughter has been self harming, even if it's something that you deal with as a Youth Worker it is often different when it's your own child. Are you concerned about your daughter's safety at all? I hope you're feeling a bit better today - also just a quick note to let you know I moved your post to another part of the forums, just so you can get more support from other parents. I hope that things are feeling a bit calmer for you today, we are always here if you want to talk through things or connect with other parents.

Janine-RO · ‎06-02-2021

Hi @Midwestmom , My heart absolutely goes out to you reading this post I'm also a mother, my oldest daughter is a little younger than yours, so just on the verge of those tricky teenage years. I am hearing so much guilt from you - and I really do understand those feelings! Mother guilt is unlike anything else I've ever experienced, from the moment my children were born. It comes from a place of immense love, and I know that I would literally take a bullet for my children. That being said, I would really encourage you to try and treat yourself as you would treat your best friend - with compassion, kindness and understanding. What I'm hearing from your post is that things got quite complicated for you when you realised that your daughter was in love with someone who quite possibly was toxic - or at least ,it wasn't the relationship you'd want for someone that you love so much. My daughter isn't quite at the dating age yet but we do have a lot of conversations about respectful relationships, consent, and making sure that she knows that she can always come to me if she needs support, no matter what. I really love these resources to frame these tricky conversations with our young people: Help teenagers have respectful relationships Help your teenager develop boundaries Building skills to help your teenager through a breakup Your daughter knows that you love her unconditionally, and though I don't know either of you personally, I can hear that you are a strong and loving parent. I suspect that forgiveness will come, in time. I just want you to know that you're not alone- parenting is absolutely the hardest 'job' I've ever had in my life. Do you have much support for yourself @Midwestmom ? You truly do deserve to know that you're not alone, that you haven't ruined things - and that we all make mistakes. I make mistakes with my kids ALL of the time - but I always try and model for them that I am human, that I love them, and that if I stuff up, I will try and fix it. I will also tag some other parents who've experienced similar challenges - you are not alone, and this community is a really safe and supportive space to get support

Janine-RO · ‎06-01-2021

HI @June68 , That sounds like a really complex situation, and I can hear how hard you are working to manage a relationship with a really difficult ex partner, and your young people and their emotions. I can hear that you have a lot of insight into what might lie underneath your ex's behaviour - but I can also acknowledge that having some level of understanding of things like narcissistic traits doesn't mean that it's any easier to cope with. It sounds really tough, and I feel for you a lot. I'm also a parent whose child has an absent biological father and all of the associated complexities that come with that, so I can really empathise a lot with what you're facing. One piece of advice that I was given when my eldest was having a rough time was that I needed to remember that I couldn't regulate her emotions for her- that didn't mean that it was OK for her to act terribly, but it reminded me that our teens aren't as capable of regulating their emotions as we are as parents. So when I focus on regulating my own feelings and reactions in a situation, it does seem to help calm things down. I'm also hearing that you are doing a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of having to compensate for your ex's behaviour - mopping up someone else's mess is exhausting, draining and sometimes thankless work in my experience. I have also been there, unfortunately. But you are also doing a wonderful thing for your children in providing them with stability, consistency, and at least one parent who is reliable and meets their emotional needs. Unfortunately it also means that you may also bear the brunt of their frustrations, or in the case of your daughter, even experience hostility. The dynamic where your daughter also sees herself as her dad's protector also sounds really hard for you to navigate. We do have some content pieces that might be helpful, that have been developed with experts in this area Managing family conflict; a video with a psychologist Family conflict and teenagers I also wanted to ask if you have any support for yourself to help you navigate this really difficult and fraught dynamic? A skilled counsellor can be a wonderful ally and you also deserve to feel supported. Finally I did also want to say, that children , and young people, often act out the most to the people who make them feel the most loved and secured. The fact that your daughter has been treated in such an inconsistent and unpredictable manner by your ex may mean she doesn't feel secure enough to express her anger to him -but she knows that you love her unconditionally. So, she can express that to you. It can be heartbreaking as a parent to be faced with that kind of anger and hostility I know If you think it would be helpful to get some one on one support, we do have a parents one on one support service you can access here - it's totally free of charge and available to all parents and carers of young people aged 12-18 in Australia. I can also vouch for Relationships Australia as a great place to start for skilled family counsellors. We are always here to listen, and I hope that talking a bit about what's been happening for you has been helpful- being a sole parent can be really lonely and isolating sometimes I know. Do you have any activities that you enjoy/ do for yourself to give yourself some time to recharge?

Janine-RO · ‎05-31-2021

Hi @sgrad , My heart went out to you reading your post, that sounds like an incredibly difficult set of circumstances that you and your family are having to navigate. It sounds like you've been a wonderful, supportive and loving grandparent and parent to your daughter in a challenging time. I'm hearing that things really escalated for you all recently, and I can imagine it would be been distressing and traumatic to have your grandson who you love become violent with you. It can be beyond difficult when our loved ones are struggling but don't accept that they need help, and even worse when that turns into violent conflict. Can I ask if you're feeling safe around him now that he's not living with you? That must have been terrible, especially when you're now hearing that he's telling other people things that aren't true. We do have some resources that might be helpful for you that give some practical advice : What to do if my teenager doesn't want help Anger and teenagers How to calm down an angry teenager It's also so important that you're supported through this - do you have family and friends who can support you? I'm hearing that you're also having physical symptoms which sounds really distressing - have you chatted to your doctor about this? We're an Australian service but I'd be happy to look at options for you - or if you'd like to connect with some other parents in a similar boat, we have this space: Connect and chat with other parents and carers: what do you do when your teenager refuses to get help? You're not alone, and I hope that we can help support you in some way. Thanks so much for posting and sharing your story

Janine-RO · ‎05-31-2021

HI @zbapmom , I have to say, I don't think I have ever related so strongly to a post here before. I am also a parent, my oldest child is 12 - and so much of what you are describing resonates really deeply with me! It's a wonderful age in so many ways, but oh my goodness, it can be SO challenging as a parent at times as well. What I'm hearing from your post is that you're currently in a bit of a cycle of conflict, that seems to centre around you wanting him to do something, and him not listening- have I got that right? It sounds like you're someone who doesn't usually yell, but finds themselves turning into 'that' screaming, yelling parent sometimes. I hear you. 12 year olds are in bodies that are changing SO rapidly, brains that are adjusting to a new cocktail of hormones that are changing literally every single day, and frontal lobes that haven't finished wiring up yet. In fact, we now know that our brains don't finish developing until we are 25 years old. And the stuff that's affected is the things that as parents can be maddening - the ability to look at consequences, the ability to plan out tasks for the day, controlling impulse and emotions, and general higher level rational thought. I also hear you that some mornings, we don't have a choice - we have to get out the door to work/church/other commitments- so it is entirely reasonable to have some boundaries and clear consequences. I'm wondering if you've been able to chat to your son when you're both calm, for example when you're driving with him somewhere in the car, or hanging out in one of those rare good moods? When we're in the middle of a fight, our brains can go into flight/fight/freeze mode and it's super hard to have a rational conversation! But it can be easier once tempers have eased... if you like, I also have some articles here that might be helpful in having those chats as well as some really practical strategies that we know can be useful: Help your teen stick to a routine during COVID-19 Family conflict and teenagers Make conflict constructive The last thing I wanted to add - is it sounds like you truly are doing a great job, it is SO hard sometimes. I have found self care as a parent crucial to both maintaining my own sanity, and allowing myself to regulate my own emotions. A wise friend (who's also a psychologist) reminded me that as parents, we can't regulate our kids' emotions for them. But we can learn to regulate our own, and it's also important to be gentle with ourselves. Some days, parenting is the hardest job I've ever done in my life, and that's OK. The fact that you're posting here shows you're a wonderful parent. Do you have much support for yourself - close friends, family, a counsellor? Sometimes just having someone to lean on when it's all a bit hard is HUGE, and you can always come here to chat about what's happening. You are definitely not alone in feeling this way @zbapmom and we're glad you found our forums It looks like you're not in Australia, is that right? I'm happy to have a little look around at supports that may be available/ helpful in your area, if you'd like that.

Janine-RO · ‎05-31-2021

HI @Yampots , I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter has been having such a tough time - it sounds like you are loving, compassionate, and caring parents. The fact that you were able to have these really difficult conversations with her is such a protective factor for her- we know that when young people are able to open up to the people that they love about what is happening for them, they usually have much better outcomes than those who aren't able to tell anybody what's going on. Self harm can be very confronting for parents, and it sounds like you were also having to deal with a lot of other stressful things like your younger son having COVID and her having to move to her Aunt's house. We often hear from young people that they turn to self harm as a coping mechanism, and I'm hearing that this may be the case for your daughter as well. We have some resources to help parents to support their teens who are experiencing these urges to harm themselves: Self harm and teenagers Positive coping skills for self-harm It sounds like you and your family are already doing a lot of what professionals suggest to support their young people- and it is wonderful to hear that she was able to make the decision to keep herself safer. One thing that can be very powerful is having a safety plan that she can make either alone, with a counsellor or therapist, or even using an app like BeyondNow I also just wanted to let you know that I had to make a few small edits to your post, to keep it in line with our Community Guidelines. How are you feeling today, @Yampots ? We're glad you were able to come here and open up about what's been happening for you - it can be so isolating and scary when our kids are going through tough times. We're here to listen, you're not alone

Janine-RO · ‎05-26-2021

@GW-QV75 @Hopesprings123 that's a really tough one - I think we do have a lot of young people who are true digital natives, and are more comfortable online. It can feel incredibly confronting to see a mental health professional for the first time for anyone- let alone a young person, who may never have had those types of conversations. I'd be really interested to hear a bit more about what is happening for your kids - sometimes being curious, and exploring why they feel the way they do without judgment or anger (I'm aware this is much easier said than done!!) can give us surprising insights. I know that sometimes I'll assume my daughter is against something for one reason - and it will turn out I've got it completely wrong. The reason I ask that is also because there are online options for mental health treatment, which are really well supported by evidence, and are increasingly popular with young people. These range from things like early intervention and online peer support, like our Online Community for ReachOut Youth, to individual counselling with a psychologist or counsellor online. eHeadspace and Kids Helpline both offer online models, either via email or webchat, and there's also an increasing amount of telehealth mental health professionals. So they may be more comfortable talking to someone over zoom, for example, than having that confronting experience of going to a psychologist's rooms or Headspace centre. Does any of that resonate with you? I'd be happy to explain more about some of those different options if that would be helpful, or you can also read more and link to those services here.

Janine-RO · ‎05-26-2021

Hi @kellyschoey , Gosh that sounds hard- hopefully some other parents with boys will be able to share their experiences here. I am wondering if you've looked into any programs that TAFEs offer, or some of the hybrid options (for example, in NSW there are some places that are designed for kids who don't thrive in traditional schooling, they offer a blended model that combines vocational education/ practical skills and the basic requirements for year 10) What do you think your son would love to do, if he was able to choose anything at the moment? The law varies slightly across different states, but my understanding is that most states will require kids to be in formal education at his age. However different schools do offer some really creative options to appeal to kids who don't necessarily thrive at school - for example the high school my daughter's about to start at offers a range of vocational programs the whole way through high school. Younger kids are allowed to 'work' in the school cafe, then there's options for kids to complete a range of vocational certificates and qualifications in areas like childcare, hospitality, retail, and horticultural studies. I definitely agree with you that some kids just don't thrive in classroom only learning! Would you like me to have a little look around at programs that might be helpful? Have you connected with the student support services at your current school? Most TAFES and universities can also offer advice and help over the phone for your particular circumstances as well, so that might be another avenue that's worth looking at. Thanks so much for joining the conversation here- hopefully some other parents will be able to add their experiences as well

Janine-RO · ‎05-26-2021

Hi @Missy5 , I really feel for you, we hear from a lot of parents about how draining, stressful and exhausting it can be when you have a young person who's refusing to go to school. It sounds like you've had a rough time with your living situation too, and I'm so sorry to hear that the situation with your ex ended the way it did. You sound like such a strong, loving mum, and it must be incredibly difficult when you've tried hard to find ways to find support and help for your daughter. You mentioned that your daughter said she was being bullied, and that she was getting into fights at her old school. Is that something that's been an issue for her in the past, or is this a more recent thing? Do you think she'd be open to chatting with a counsellor or psychologist about what's happening for her? I also wanted to let you know that we have a dedicated space on our forums here, just for parents to discuss school refusal in a safe space, with other people who are going through the same thing. We know how isolating and frustrating it can feel when this is happening for your family, and it can help a lot to hear from other parents who are walking the same road as you at the moment. I've also added in some of our self help articles including some videos from psychologists who are really experienced in supporting parents in this area Here's that space: Connect with other parents: School refusal As a parent myself, I would also suggest that being persistent with the school around the need to make sure your daughter is supported. Given that she's under 16, there's a legal obligation to go to school and we hear from other parents that school counsellors/ year advisors/ wellbeing coordinators can be great people to help you all come up with a plan to help support your daughter. That being said, I know that sometimes these services can be overloaded - does your daughter's school have a school counsellor or psychologist? You sound like a strong mum who's a wonderful advocate for your daughter in a really difficult time, and I'm hearing that you've been under a lot of pressure - do you have much support for yourself? We are always here to talk or vent, or I'm also happy to look for other professional support services that might be a good fit for you if you think that would help. Wishing you all the best @Missy5

Janine-RO · ‎05-26-2021

Hi @Ellie67 , Gosh I can really relate when you say that curious chats aren't always possible! I have a 12 year old (going on 16 some days!), and while I would say that generally our relationship is good, there are some conversations that she absolutely refuses to have. I'm hearing how much you love and care for your daughter, and I don't think we ever stop worrying about them. It sounds like she is a strong minded, intelligent, and determined young person - and those are all wonderful qualities! But they can also make parenting challenging at times ;) I did have one idea, which may be a bit out of left field. I'm hearing that a lot of your concerns stem from being worried about her safety. Do you think she'd be interested in doing a practical class in self defence/ martial arts? When I was in high school (at an all girls school) at a similar age, the school arranged for an ex policeman to come and teach us the basics of self defence, and techniques that are really effective for personal self defence. it was everything from phrases to use, to physical defence moves. That's now longer ago than I'd like to admit, but I've never forgotten it. It made me more aware of potential risks, but also made me feel more empowered and in control of my body and my safety. It's relatively uncommon, statistically speaking, to be attacked by a stranger.. but having those very basic skills and techniques helped me a lot. And I'm sure it also made my parents feel much less worried when I went to university a few years later! This is just a thought- let me know what you think! It's a really tricky space for parents to navigate, and I really feel for you @Ellie67

Janine-RO · ‎05-25-2021

Hi @April-snow , I'm so deeply sorry to hear that you and your family have been having such a rough time. Supporting a loved one who lives with BPD can be really challenging, and doing that along with managing your own disability/history of trauma/ life in general is huge- you sound like an amazing and caring mum, who's doing the very best she can. I'm really glad you've been able to come here and share what's happening for you. I'm also hearing that the relationship with your daughter and her behaviour is having major ripple effects for you in terms of your relationship and wider support network- do you feel like you have enough support for yourself at the moment? The reason I ask is that as parents/carers it's often easy for us to keep on giving and sacrificing, and look for support for other people before ourselves - but you can't pour from an empty cup Unfortunately we are an Australian based organisation, so I don't have a whole lot of knowledge around services where you're based. It looks like you're in the UK, is that right? I am more than happy to have a look around for you for support options that may help both you and your daughter, would that be helpful? I'm also hearing that when your daughter is very distressed, she sometimes says that she is planning on taking her life. That must be incredibly distressing for you as a parent. Has your daughter engaged with any treatment that can help her learn to regulate her emotions and cope when she's under a lot of stress? We have some resources that may be helpful in terms of self help for you and for your daughter, I'll just link those here: When your teen doesn't want help What to do if your teenager is suicidal The second article I've linked here outlines some really important, simple and practical strategies for parents and young people when young people are having thoughts of suicide. I'm wondering if you have any concerns for her safety at all? I'm really glad that you were able to come here today and share a bit about what's been happening for you - we are here to listen, you're not alone.

Janine-RO · ‎05-24-2021

Just tagging some parents who've been posting recently around these kinds of issues @Birdwings @JamOnToast @still-learning @BeStrong @RiverGirl @Teenboysparent @GW-QV75 @WorriedMom2021 @Cluskey @Kitkatnkuddles @Mum19 @1solarrae @ERCAAL @Jed123

Janine-RO · ‎05-24-2021

Hi parents, It can be incredibly frustrating, heartbreaking and helpless when we can see as parents that our child is struggling- but they refuse to seek help. This is something we hear a lot from parents, and we thought it could be good to have a space for parents to connect with each other and share what's worked, how they are travelling, and get support in a safe space. Sometimes, it can be really clear to parents that something isn't right - maybe your teen has suddenly become withdrawn, or stopped seeing their friends. Maybe you're concerned about a specific mental illness- we often hear from parents that they're worried that their child is depressed, or struggling with eating, or highly anxious- help is available, but there's often times when a young person is reluctant to see a professional. As a parent myself, I know that my oldest child ( who's 12, going on 16!!) will sometimes absolutely refuse to discuss things. Or they won't want to engage at all with any kind of professional, especially if it's something personal. As a parent it can sometimes be so hard to know exactly how to approach this - and the truth is that there's no one size fits all answer. It can be a long and winding road, of working out what is happening, what the right support might look like, and above all keeping the lines of communication with your young person. If you prefer to read articles, we have some great resources around this issue: What to do if my teenager doesn't want help Getting help for teenagers Quiz: exploring your support options Does my teen need professional help? There's also this great video we made with a psychologist- how do you know if your teen needs professional help, and how can we support them in that process? So we thought it might be good to create this space for parents to connect- often it's really hard to discuss these sensitive issues with friends and family, especially if you're not quite sure what's happening, or you're worried about your teen finding out you're talking about 'their issues' to other people. I'm also going to tag some parents who've posted recently around these kind of issues- we'd love to hear your thoughts, and this is a place where people may understand what you're going through.

Janine-RO · ‎05-18-2021

Just tagging some parents/carers in this post who've posted recently about school refusal- if you'd like to connect and chat here, this is a safe space to do that. It can also be so helpful for other familes to hear about what's worked, what hasn't, and how you're coping. Hope you and your families are all travelling ok @Worriedsister96 @qwerty11 @Gebadia @Birdwings @Rissa @roland @mia123 @ykaerF @gdot21 @Blue_fire @Putu1957 @BeStrong @fallingapart @Lenny80

Janine-RO · ‎05-17-2021

Hello to our wonderful parents and carers! We've noticed in recent months that we've been hearing more from parents with young people who've been refusing to go to school - for some, this is something that's been happening for awhile, for others it's something that became much worse after COVID. Some kids really struggle with the transition to high school, and sometimes as parents we may have no idea what is lying behind their kids' refusal to go to school. What we do know is that it can be stressful , upsetting, and confusing for parents in knowing how to handle this kind of situation. It can also be really lonely- especially if you're not wanting to tell other people in your 'real' life too much about what's happening. So we thought it could be useful to try something a bit new, and have this space here - This is your space to talk about school refusal, how it's affected your family, and what things you've tried ! It's for parents to talk about what's worked for them, what they're going through, and what's been helpful for you and your family- and also to vent if you need to, and get support from other people who've been there too. If you're someone who prefers to read articles, we have content on school refusal too: How to help a teen who doesn't want to go to school Learn how to tackle the school system confidently I'm just going to tag some parents here who've posted recently about this with their own kids who might be interested in this space- sometimes it can help a lot just to have a safe space to chat. And just a quick reminder that this forum is anonymous, which means we ask that parents don't reveal any identifying info about their kids/ schools/ location.

Janine-RO · ‎05-17-2021

Hi @Fritzbom , Thanks so much for sharing your experiences here, it can feel so helpless and isolating when our young people are having a hard time and I'm glad you were able to come here . I'm a parent myself now of 2 kids (one who's starting high school next year) - the way you've described what your daughter's going through also reminds me a lot of how my parents were probably feeling when I went through some rough times as a teenager. The weight gain, withdrawal, all of those things resonate with me a lot. In my case, it was a sign that I wasn't really coping, but I also wasn't ready to admit that I probably wasn't actually OK, and did need some help. It sounds like you're a caring and switched on mum, and that is hugely protective for your daughter. I'm terribly sorry to hear that she lost a friend to suicide as well, that is really tragic, and those ripple effects can really extend through so many people. It's great that she looked for some support after that happened, do you know if she found that helpful? I'm just going to share some resources that may be helpful as well , if you're ever wanting to talk to her about what happened and about suicide more generally. It's an incredibly hard converstation to have, and some parents worry that it might put those thoughts at front of mind for their own kids, but research shows that it's actually a really protective thing. It's also pretty common to hear from parents that they're worried that their young person is depressed and / or isolated, but doesn't want help, this article has some great tips on things to try in that case. It can be really hard to see our kids struggling @Fritzbom - do you have people in your life that you can go to for support/ to vent/ get help if you need it? We do also offer a one to one parents support service, I can give you those details if you think that would be helpful. It's free, and is delivered online or via the phone

Janine-RO · ‎05-03-2021

Hi @Albury14 , I just thought I would check in and see how you are going - it can be so challenging to be supporting a young person who's struggling with disordered eating and an exercise addiction. As Sophia mentioned ,a psychologist who's skilled in the treatment of eating disorders is a great place to start, as well as liaising with your GP. The Butterfly Foundation do really amazing work in this area too - they offer an online support group for families and friends of people who are in treatment for an eating disorder, you can find that here if you think that might be helpful. Supporting someone who's experiencing an eating disorder can be so tough on families and carers, and it can help a lot to hear from people who are going through similar things. Their support line is also excellent, they are staffed by counsellors who all have experience in treating eating disorders and they can give support to families and friends as well ( 1800 33 4673 ) Eating Disorders Families Australia is another really great place to find a range of resources aimed at supporting parents and carers - they also offer support groups, and have a lot of different information and support to help parents navigate this journey. How is your daughter doing at the moment, is she currently in treatment, or is this a recent diagnosis? Thinking of you.

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About Janine-RO

About Janine-RO

About Janine-RO

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