Hello folks, I'm writing this to query a forum and to unburden myself. So this may be lengthy. I got a divorce about 7 years ago. My ex had been pretty neglectful of me as a partner, mind you I wasn't perfect either. At some point we had a daughter, then got a divorce after I realized I simply couldn't expect the relationship to get any more affectionate or enjoyable. By the way, I'm very proud of my daughter. She loves animals, and she's extremely compassionate and creative. I couldn't be more proud of her in fact. She's 9. I found a new, loving partner, and though things haven't been perfect, we've managed to forge a deep bond with each other and our respective daughters. So I'm very happy with my personal life and with my family, and we all seem to be growing from the challenges we face. My daughter's mother and I had shared custody for a while, then - when her mother decided that she was going to study to be a doctor - my current partner and I became the full-time custodians of my daughter. My ex is pretty neglectful. She only calls occasionally, about once or twice between visits (she gets my daughter every other weekend). I've tried to kindle a little bit more connection between them by encouraging her mother to call more often, but that dies out. I have ultimately decided that I am not the steward of their relationship, and I can't be responsible for my ex's drive to be in her daughter's life. When my daughter visits, she reports that my ex is buried in homework and doesn't spend any time with her (This was my experience as a husband, so I believe her). Slowly, my ex is losing her daughter. My daughter wants less and less to visit her mother, and seems more and more to understand that her mother doesn't really have the time of day for her. A couple of months ago, this all gushed out of my daughter in a sobbing catharsis at bedtime where she explained that she felt like her mother didn't even care about her, didn't really love her. It's hard to hear, but my attitude has been one of "this is her lesson to learn with her mother, and that - even if it's a **bleep**ty relationship - she still needs a relationship with her mother. Today, however, something happened to cause me to doubt that. My ex had left the house for a few days with her current husband and my daughter. She got my daughter to feed the two cats, which my daughter did. She fed them enough for one day - it was the habit she was in. Except that they were leaving for three days (ending today). Well, when my ex found out that my daughter had only left enough food for one day for the two cats, she got very angry, told my daughter that she needed to be more responsible, and actually said that the bigger cat might kill the smaller cat for food. And she said, furthermore, that if they arrived home and the cats were dead that they weren't getting new ones. And she suggested that maybe they had to give the cats away due to my daughter's irresponsibility. Now I know this is pretty outrageous. I can't believe it. It realllly crosses a new line for me. SO. I'm going to talk to a counsellor (I **bleep** need counselling after this conversation), I'm probably going to find a therapist for my daughter. I told my daughter her mom was out of line, and that I didn't want her to carry any guilt about the cats, whereupon she informed me that she had already scratched and bitten herself after her mom had excoriated her for her negligence. I'm glad she trusts me enough to tell me about self-harming, and at least at some point I can counsel her a bit on that from experience, but one thing at a time right? What I'm trying to decide is whether I talk to the mother about this. From what I can gather, she generally has a pretty short fuse and snaps angrily at my daughter often, and for small things. I've always wanted to be supportive of this mother-daugther relationship, but I am obviously feeling my first genuine doubt. Our current custody arrangement places my daughter in 50/50 care, week on week off, once the mother moves to the town we live in to begin her medical practice (which has taken 7 years of her motherhood, with nary a week or two in the summer for visits). She's made some very reckless parenting choices in the past, too, but this one absolutely takes the cake. & things seem to be getting steadily worse. Anyway, Reachout fam, thanks for listening. Any input would be much appreciated, especially from someone in the profession. thanks to all, JM
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