18 year old daughter having relationship problems with boyfriend . They live with me .

[Help60]

My daughter is arguing frequently with her boyfriend . She becomes hysterical and i am unable to to approach her about this .They lock themselves in the bedroom there ia alot of noise and it is causing disruption in my life 

[gina-Ro]

Hey @Help60, this sounds really hard  - does your daughter's boyfriend live at home with you as well? 

What happens when you do try to approach her? 

Does she have any friends that she might be reaching out to for support around this? 

I'm going to tag a few members as well. 

@PapaBill  @JAKGR8  @sunflowermom  @compassion 

[PapaBill]

Hi @Help60

Sounds like things are getting very heated in the house.

Living with a Teenage daughter can be very challenging at times.  

Maybe we can offer some advice depending on the situation. 

Firstly - is your daughter and her boyfriend safe?  Is there physical violence happening?

If so this needs to be addressed immediately and if persistent you may need to call the police in.

If the fighting is restricted to verbal stouching, it still is serious but I probably would avoid calling the police

One of the hardest things of parenting an older teen as a parent you are seen at best as a loving bumbling old fart with no idea on the real world.  At worst you are a deadly enemy. 

Either way it is very unlikely a teenager who lives with you will want to share the intimate details of her arguments with her boyfriend.  Though in reality it sounds like you can probably hear more than you want.

What my partner did with her daughter was to try and talk with her about the situation.  Sometimes this was rebuffed and sometimes some small details about the situation was shared.  Over time she became more comfortable sharing and the support my partner was able to offer advice.  But in the end it was simply listening to her daughter that her daughter appreciated the most.    

The Big thing with this story was my partner did NOT push it and no matter how hard it was she (mostly) was able to avoid pushing.  If your daughter opens up LISTEN and not judge.  Do not offer advice unless she is looking for it.  If she isn't willing to talk about specifics then move on to talking about self respect, respect for others and how much you love her. 

IMHO we should tell our kids every day we love them, even if sometimes we want to do it through clenched teeth and with bitten tongue.

As it sounds like they are in a serious long term relationship could you suggest your daughter and her boyfriend get some counselling?  If so get them to pick one that will focus on helping them learning communication skills.

If formal counselling is not an option, maybe an older trusted friend (Older sister, Aunt, Family friend etc) might be someone your daughter is willing to listen to if she wont talk to you.

In the end remember all relationships are hard, and they are hardest on those starting their first serious relationships.  You daughter will need to work through it as the young adult she is.   

At this stage of her life you can offer support and love but she is going to need to take charge of working through it.

The one caveat (as I said is at the start) if there is physical violence you need to act now and make no apology for protecting the safety of your child.

[JAKGR8]

Hi @Help60 you've already had some great advice. I am going to play devil's advocate for you. This is only if all the other stuff isn't working for you.

1. Is your daughter aware of how much you hear? Maybe you can repeat all the details you hear to her or record it. You can do this in a gentle and respectful way e.g Are you aware, ___, that we heard everything last night. Is that what you want? How do you think it could be handled more privately? Do you need help with mediation? Respectful communication?
2. It is your house and her boyfriend is invited there by you (in theory) If you are concerned for anyone's safety - physical or mental - you can revoke this invitation. Call it trespass if you like. Politely remind them of this. 
3. It's still your house and privacy is a privilege of first world countries. You can insist they leave the door open or remove it completely. They can earn your trust back. But the demonstration of this privilege can remind them of how precious it is. 

And, as always, I suggest questions. Use questions to lead them to an answer you like.

• We all get upset when you do __________, is that what you want?
• Is this behaviour getting you what you want?
• What are you going to do about it?
• Will that work for everyone?
• What can I do to help?
• You say you want to be treated like an adult, is this how an adult behaves?

If they were living in a share house the other tenants wouldn't be happy. Just because you are family doesn't mean they can treat you this way. Model the behaviour you want to see so try to remain calm and open to suggestions during this. 

As I said. This is last resort stuff. Try the hugs and listening first. Good luck.