18 year old's boyfriend is putting a strain on our relationship

[taokat]

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so concerned about your relationship with your daughter @grownupkids. Am I right in my understanding that your daughter agreed to counselling, but then hasn't commited? 

I really want to say that after reading all of your posts, you have been an incredibly generous and supportive mum. I understand that you're being made to feel like you've been unfair or unkind, but there's not a word you've wriiten that even hints at that being in any way true. Our kids will say what they think will get them the outcome they desire, whether it's actually true or not. And because you're such a loving mum it really hurts being made out to be someone you're not. 

Your whirlwind of emotions is understandable. I go through the same when my daughter says hurtful or unfair things to me. Can you make the time to go and have a massage, or have your nails done, or do something special for yourself? You deserve to show yourself some care and gentleness. I find doing something for ME, gives my mind an opportunity to take a break from the thoughts, and therefore emotions. 

You can ramble and rant as much as you need, we're here to listen. Quite often spilling the words out has a therapeutic effect in itself and I'm really glad you feel safe and comfortable to do that here. 

[Breez-RO]

Definitely as @taokat mentioned @grownupkids this is a space for you to vent, it sounds like it's taking its toll and we all want to support you through this experience.  We're here to listen as you need.

Did the counsellor expand on why they thought she was in an abusive relationship?

[grownupkids]

Hi, 

I told her all the things that had happened and she said to me that yes it was an abusive relationship and she pulled out the cycle of abuse diagram. 

I told my daughter two weeks ago that I thought he was abusive. After what I had seen and then what had happened that day. After it all went down I started to doubt myself thinking that I had over-reacted. 

I talked to a couple of friends and one of them told me she had been in a similar situation. 

The counsellor told me that I was right and was also right to be concerned. She said that it was only a matter of time before he physically hurt her. 

I found out she is at his house tonight which is probably why she isn't responding. 

I hate what this has done to my family. Before this we were pretty close. I did fight with her and she did a lot of stuff that was wrong, but never anything like this. 

I sometimes wonder if we will ever come back from this. Everyone keeps saying that she will come back, but I don't know. She's stubborn like me. 

Tomorrow or Sunday I am sure I will feel a bit better. I am just not feeling like myself right now. Normally in the past I was a pretty happy person and was happy to take people in, but my trust has been broken. 

Anyway, thank you so much for your kind words. I am hopefully tired enough now to sleep. I have cried a bit tonight which makes me tired. 

Thanks. xx

[motherbear]

Hi @grownupkids . I am so sorry to hear the pain and worry this is causing you . It must be so awful going to bed at night wondering if she is ok  with this boyfriend who you know is not good for her . Well done for seeking counselling . We can be so " muddied " by our children's behaviours  and reactions that we question our own value system , instinct and responses . Did I do the right thing there ? Am I making this worse ? 

Well done for asking him to leave . That must have been so hard as you knew you would " pay for it afterwards ! It took great strength . 

If your daughter does decide to do counselling with you listen carefully to her perspective , and validate it verbally so she knows you " get it " even  you do not agree with it . Focus on  repairing the problems between you and her NOT including the boyfriend in the equation .  Apologising for the things you have hurt her with without a " but "  The more you try to separate her from him the more you will drive them together .  Better to arm her with the knowledge that you support her and accept her decisions ( even the bad ones ) and that you will be there for her always if she needs you rather than trying to get her to leave him .  

You think she will never speak to you again . Yet you said you have a good history , have faith in the knowledge that this foundational mother - daughter relationship has strong building blocks and can weather the storms . She is fighting for her independence from you , asserting her right to make her own mistakes and learn from them . She may get hurt emotionally but she will survive it , and build resilience . Have faith that you have loved and nurtured her enough to have self worth and respect for herself that she will exit this relationship ,if it gets violent or when she realises she is being abused ( and she will ) . Teen relationships rarely last forever even when they are healthy . It's a time for learning and experimentation rather than long term partnership formation . The first person she will call when the relationship turns to custard will be you . Teenage girls need their mums more than ANYONE else when their heart is broken . Even when they have spent the past months pushing mum away in favour of the boy . 

I wish I could send you my website address as I have written a blog about abusive boyfriends which you might find helpful ( I am a student counsellor ) @Ngaio-RO . Do you know how I could do this ? Could I copy  and paste the content but without any identifying links and  place it here for @grownupkids ? 

Please take care of yourself and stay strong , you are a great loving caring Mum 😊

[grownupkids]

Hi There, 

So I had an ok weekend. On Friday my daughter came to me and asked me for some money for the doctor's. I said that I didn't have any cash on me but she could borrow my card. She did and returned it to me. We had a bit of a talk which was ok. I asked how she was and how work was etc. She seemed ok and willing to talk. 

Over the weekend she was pretty un-responsive and then on Sunday night she called me which I was surprised by. She said she was sorry she'd been asleep all day (had obviously gone out the night before which was fine). 

I then asked if she could come to counselling, but she said she couldn't because she had work this week as the assistant manager at her work had gone off on a family emergency and so she had been asked to work extra hours. We had a counselling appointment at 9am. The counsellor at the end told me that she could have 4 free appointments through my work assistance program which was great. So I went to her work to tell her I would make the appointment and she wasn't even there. Apparently she didn't have work at all. 

I didn't understand why she just hadn't said to me 'I don't want counselling right now.' She was supposed to have coffee with me on Sunday but 'slept' all day and had only woken up at 6pm. 

I sent her a message which basically said that I didn't understand why she felt she had to lie about working when she could have just said 'I don't want counselling.' I told her that I was always here for her and that she obviously wasn't really ready to talk to me properly, but to call me when she was and I would be happy to talk to her and that I didn't want to push her. I know that he is behind this because he did exactly this to his own mother. She has now had to walk away from him to keep her sanity. 

[Zoesplace]

Hi @grownupkids sorry you have been struggling so much with the situation your daughter has found herself in. Another member on the forum referred me to books by Jill Murray. I purchased a book called "But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating".  It is extremely hard watching your child in a relationship that is unhealthy and abusive.  One thing I learned from the book is to ask your daughter to imagine she has her own daughter, and would she want her daughter to have a boyfriend treat her the same way that her own boyfriend treats her.  (I hope that makes sense?)  I asked my daughter this question, which she replied No - then she said that if she had a son that treated his girlfriend like her own boyfriend had treated her, that she would kick his arse!   

Also, if you are still struggling after your work provided counselling sessions are finished please see your GP.  Your GP may be able to assist you with extra counselling support, that can sometimes be Medicare funded. 

You and your daughter have had a good relationship in the past, so stay positive that you can rekindle this, and with your love and support your daughter will be able to make the right choice.

[Breez-RO]

Hey there @grownupkids, thanks so much for keeping us updated. @Zoesplace made a really good point there - "Your GP may be able to assist you with extra counselling support, that can sometimes be Medicare funded."

Have you checked with the current counsellor as to whether they are a medicare provider?

Is she still staying with her friends or is she with the boyfriend? I can imagine you are feeling quite powerless in the situation but please don't give up hope. I put my guardian through very similar distress at her age. Whilst not all adolescent women are the same, I must admit one thing many young people do have in common is that lack of foresight in regards to our wellbeing. Reflecting back, I handled some things so terribly as an eighteen year old when my caregiver would try and keep me out of trouble, however my brain was still developing, my sense of invincibility at its peak. As such I have immense empathy for you right now, and I am also super impressed by your ability to see not only your own perspective but hers as well.

What do you think would be the next best move? There's a website here designed more so for friends of young people in abusive relationships, however it can be good to read language from that age demo - link is here if it helps

[grownupkids]

Hi All, 

Thanks so much for all your ongoing support and advice. I had a bit of an epiphany the other day. I love her and I still miss her terribly, but I am not going to cry anymore. I had a great weekend after that and I have started to return to normal. It helps to put it into perspective - comparably, there are people that deal with so much more and I take my hat off to them to survive much worse. 

I sent her a text on Monday last week to ask how she was (typically she hasn't really responded to these). She responded 3 days later with 'Yeah I'm doing well, been a bit busy with stuff sorry.'  I decided the ball is in her court now, so I didn't respond as I felt it was a little disrespectful - maybe I was reading into it too much. 

She then contacted me yesterday to say that we should meet about 'what's going to happen and stuff' and that she wants to sort things out but doesn't want to go back to how things were. I'm not sure what that means, but I am not reading too much into it. I asked if she would consider a joint session, but she wanted to wait and see.  

I feel like she wants me to be happy for her. I can't be happy when she is in a toxic relationship, but I can be supportive by not being negative about it. I still feel that I should stand my ground though about not having him in my house. I don't want him there and I don't feel like I should be blackmailed into doing that. I won't be. 

@Breez-RO thanks very much for your perspective on things, it does give me hope that things will be ok with her. and @Zoesplace thank you I have actually booked an appointment with my GP to potentially get some follow up sessions for myself if anything. I have had some amazing support from my good friends and family which I think has saved me a bit. 

I don't know where she is staying, but I get the feeling it is sometimes with the boyfriend and sometimes with friends. His mother is not helpful, she thinks that teens these days are just all about them. Nothing has changed from when I was a teen, but she also doesn't realise that her son is exhibiting abusive behaviours. He has been verbally abusive to her. I think a big part of what happened was because I hit the nail on the head with him and he didn't like it. I don't like the way he treats his mother at all and I think that's a sign. I think my daughter needs to figure things out for herself. I will be there to support her if and when she needs it. I will give her tips etc. Hopefully I am on the right path. It's hard when you don't have a partner to discuss things like this with. Thankfully there is a community like this. xx

[taokat]

Hey @grownupkids, it's great to hear that getting some perspective has helped you put in place your own boundaries and you're now able to separate a little.

I'm a single mum too, and I agree that's it's hard not having someone to talk these things over with. Sometimes I feel like I'm parenting with a blindfold, and talking with other parents I find so empowering.

I think you're doing an awesome job and your decision are fair. You've made it clear to your daughter that you love her and are there for her. You've also respected both of you by not condoning the treatment of your daughter by this young man, and not wanting him in your house, which is absolutely your choice.

Surely, if we as parents, condone the abusive treatment of our kids by their boy/girlfriends, we're telling them that is their value? What are others thoughts on that?