9 year old is abusive to mom and grandma

[Ellewantshelp]

I'll try to make this as straight to the point as possible. My 28 year old cousin and her 9 year old daughter live with my 77 year old grandmother. My grandmother is not able to walk without a crutch and uses a rolling chair to move around the house alot. She's 5'1" and 120 lbs. They live in a rural area about an hour and a half from me and the rest of our family. The 9 year old is an absolute terror! She cusses at both of them. For example, "Get me a drink **bleep**" " Get the **bleep** out of my room" etc. She hits them, throws things, tells them to shut up, tells them she hates them and wants them to die and has even threatened to stab them! She hides the phones and takes the crutch away from my grandmother. They are both scared of her. She has lived in that house since she was 8 months old and before that she lived with me. She has never had any physical or sexual abuse or trauma and the school says she's a good student and gets along with everyone in her class. I am desperate to fix this situation! What makes a child act like this? What can be done? Keep in mind that my grandmother can not discipline her because she's frail and her mother is too afraid to. Thank you in advance.

[Andrea-RO]

Hey @Ellewantshelp, 

It sounds like you and your family are in a very difficult situation at the moment. It is always hard when we see our family put in a dangerous or risky situation, but it can be even worse when they are being affected by another member of our family - particularly when the person acting cruelly is a child. 

My strongest recommendation is to get in contact with some health professionals to hep support you and your family manage this situation. The first port of call would be your GP, and they'd be able to pass information along to your sister about different ways to approach this problem. It might also be extremely beneficial to get in contact with a child psychologist, particularly one who specialises in behavior management. 

It's also really important that your sister, your mother and yourself all make sure to take care of your own mental health. These situations can feel extremely claustrophobic, so it's best to take moments for yourself to do some selfcare. This could be alone time, going for a walk, or even calling a support service like ParentLine, who would be able to listen sympathise, and give some advice on what to do about the situation. 

Let us know how you go

[Ellewantshelp]

Thank you. I have suggested counseling and therapy but the mother of the child is strongly opposed. She feels that it will send the message that we think something is wrong with the child and hurt her self-esteem. They also live in a rural area and my grandmother is the only one that can drive and it will be very difficult to get them to the help they desperately need. I'm so frustrated and saddened by the situation it makes me sick!

[Janine-RO]

Hi @Ellewantshelp , 

That sounds like an incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking situation for you to watch unfold, it is very hard when somebody refuses to get help. Sadly it's not uncommon for people to resist getting help. 

It looks like you're in the USA, is that correct? Is the child attending school at the moment? Sometimes school counsellors, if they have one, can be a really good way for people to access different support services. Does she also display this kind of behaviour at school?  I know it can be more difficult to access support services when you live rurally, but sometimes counsellors and other therapists do visits at schools. Do you think this is something that might be possible for them? 

[Ellewantshelp]

She has no behavioral issues at school. Reaching out to the counselor is a good place to start. I didn't know it could be an option to have school or home visits. Thank you