Dear @Adorable80
How are you going? It sounds like you feel very isolated and unappreciated at the moment. Children can be very challenging at the best of times and it is even harder when our partners aren't able to share the load. Your husband may just find it easier to deny the problem with your son. He may find it confronting that his child is not perfect. I wonder if he would respond differently if other family members or friends told him the problem, especially if they were male. Sometimes those outside the issue have a better picture anyway.
There is a great article Behaviour management for boys By Ian Lillico, who is a boy whisperer, I reckon. He says;
The behaviour of boys should be modified through praise - never through sanction or punishment. Punishment may contain a boy’s behaviour but not modify it. Punishment can actually be a reward for a boy as this can secure his prestige in the eyes of his peers. We must endeavour to catch them doing the right (nearly right) thing and try to ignore when he does things wrongly. Many parents fall into the trap of continually chastising boys and punishing them when they misbehave. However, in order to have a less stressful family life, and to change his behaviour, we should concentrate on positive reinforcement when he excels at being good.
Boys who misbehave can often become heroes in front of his immediate peers. Boys who are publicly chastised both at home, in the neighbourhood or at school, often have a high peer esteem and their poor behaviour often continues to give them feedback - even if we see it as negative. Boys should never be publicly scolded as this tends to raise their peer esteem and, hence, their poor behaviour continues. Public reprimand also severs relationships between the scolder and scoldee as boys are shame-phobic.
When it comes to boys, consistency and kindness are your best weapons.
As I have said in other posts it is important to prepare for what you want to do. Read, talk, observe information that is relevant. Make a plan (with your partner if possible) and pick a date when you think you will find it the easiest to address your concerns and make a plan with your son. This will also give you time to practise what you want to say, maybe write it down and phrase it in a positive manner. Set realistic, short term goals and be prepared to negotiate. Take time to ensure that you are strong enough to deal with whatever comes next. It might help to keep in mind your husband is also male so he will respond to positives as well. Maybe you can put him in charge or (predetermined) rewards or praise. Nothing over the top but along the lines of, "Your mother tells me you were great at...today. Well done." That way you are all involved and your husband might start to notice when you have nothing good to report although as Lillico suggests it is important to find 'something' worth praising in the early stages.
Good luck and big hugs.
JA
