Dad caught in the Middle of 15 year old daughter and wife....Help!

[ConfusedDad15]

So my wife and my 15 year old daughter battle!!!  And I get caught in the middle!

She is a good kid.  She doesn't drink, smoke or get in trouble.   My wife is a good Mom.   She was a GREAT Mom when my daughter was younger, but now that my daughter has a mind of her own, things have gone off the rails!

My wife wants my support.  But a lot of the time, I don't agree with her.   She needs to give our 15 year old some space.  Stop tracking her phone.  Stop going in her room so much.  Tell her that she had 5 more minutes with her phone rather than just demanding it.   Stop making comments about her weight and eating habits.  These are all triggers to fights.

THEN.....the escalate and I have to get involved and then they are both yelling at me!

What am I to do?  HELP!

[Nick-RO]

Hey there @ConfusedDad15 and welcome to the ReachOut forums - it is really cool that you joined us here.

Just wanted to quickly say that we are based in Australia and some of the language in your post leads me to believe that you might be based somewhere else.  Because of this it isn't possible to give you any practical advice around concrete steps you can take but you are so welcome here and I really hope that this amazing community of welcoming and supportive parents can support you by sharing some of their experiences.

I really feel for the situation that you family finds itself in right now.  It must be so difficult for all of you right now - it is really confronting to feel like you are in the middle of things and are being asked to 'take sides'.  I love the pride and love that you have for both your daughter and your wife which shines through in your post and this must feed into your feelings around these episodes.

It sounds to me from your message that these issues that the issues that are all to do with communication.  How each member of your family expresses their concerns and problems even when the motivations for these conversations comes from a place of love care and respect and this has led to conflict.  Is this fair?

If so, have you considered looking into dealing with a counselor in your  area who specialises in mediation and conflict resolution and who can help you build strategies for positive ways to have these types of conversations so they don't escalate?

[Champion]

I'm there also, same condition with my daughter and similar actions by my wife.

agree with you about more space for your kids to be able to learn from there mistakes, give them a chance to finish what they are doing and control the anger and fights that are the results of the action taken.

i like you have felt that I am on my own, the family is against me and question why I get involved in trying to keep the harmony within the family. 

However all this said, we have found that some ground rules are needed with the kids. We have introduced some (as aggreed to by my partner and me) and then discussed and agreed to by the kids. As you can imagine, this was a challenge and took a while to be aggreed to but the kids now know what will happen and is expected and with an agreed approch by us on how these rules should be tackled, we do have success more than not. 

Examples are, phone and computer removed at a set time, during the week we remove access to computer games during the week, this was not easy so changed the time on them to equal the time studying.

Are there any other suggestions?

finally you are not alone with what you are saying. Try and work out ways that you and your wife can team up and be a force when you need to with the kids.

Good luck

[Sister]

Thats great Champion that you and your family have discussed issues together!

Regarding the technology, whatever the time limits are, as long as you and your partner can work together and be consistent....then that is amazing.

You seem really "switched on".

I hope the other dad can follow your path.

Hang in there......you both are on a similar journey and can help each other with this forum.

[waldo_pepper]

I wonder, ConfusedDad, whether you could find some time to be alone with your wife over a cup of coffee and discuss your concerns. I mean discuss, not finger pointing and blame games.

As I see it, the best way forward for your family is with the parents united so I think this is worth some effort. Above all don't criticize your wife in front of anybody, especially kids.

Maybe you could have a private chat with your daughter too, depending on her maturity and willingness to talk to you. When mine was 15 she literally didn't talk to me from one week to the next unless she needed to access the "Bank of Dad".

I think you're making good progress by recognising the problem and seeking answers.

Good luck!!