Need help now?

Daughter seems to hate everyone and everything...especially us

Daughter seems to hate everyone and everything...especially us

Reply
Mod
Taylor-RO

Re: Daughter seems to hate everyone and everything...especially us

Hi @Mez21, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are in an incredibly tough position right now. I can hear that you are doing your best to support your daughter but are unsure how to get through to her. It is great to hear that the schools have been supportive! It is so tough when teenagers do not want to engage but they could really use the support. I know that a lot of parents struggle with this and it can be very stressful and heartbreaking to not be able to do a whole lot about it. I am wondering if you have asked your daughter about what would be helpful for her? Or how does she think things should work in the household? This way, you might be able to reach some kind of compromise that allows you both to feel satisifed with the outcome.

 

I really feel for you being in this situation, I know others who are in a similar position right now and it is very challenging and tiring at times.

Scribe
AngryDepressed

Re: Daughter seems to hate everyone and everything...especially us

You’ve just described my 15 year old daughter to a t minus the boyfriend. Please tell me what’s happened since 2018. Is there any hope? Did anything help?
Active scribe
Piper

Re: Daughter seems to hate everyone and everything...especially us

Hi everyone

Wow! I’ve just read through all the messages in this thread - including my original post. I definitely feel for everyone who has been through or still going through similar situations that we experienced with our daughter. I have to say that things have definitely improved since 3 years ago - they are not perfect, but I guess no child is. We still have our moments - she is 19 now - but I feel as time goes by she is becoming more aware of how her actions are affecting others. From my side I guess I have learnt to become more resilient. I found that sometimes the more I ignored the behaviour and didn’t react the sooner “the storm” would be over (until the next time!). I guess I got to a point where I thought all my worry and angst about how I was going to get her to change was a waste of energy - she just had to work it all through in her own time. That’s really hard to swallow when you have the tension in your house all the time, but I really just tried to focus on doing things that I enjoyed and trying to engage her that way (for instance, my daughter enjoyed doing macrame so I bought some wool and started making a hanger myself and if she was nearby I chatted about what she thought about it and the type of beads I was going to use, etc. One of the main things I tried not to do was make it about her so she didn’t feel smothered or interrogated. I really enjoyed doing it and I think this showed - so it was more about her engaging with me and having something to chat about rather than me just asking her questions or seemingly interfering in her life). If I look back on the last few years I really think the main change came from her just growing up. If I can suggest anything it would be that giving her her own space at home (most of the time behind her closed door of her bedroom) was the security she needed sometimes to not feel like she had to find that comfort somewhere else (like with toxic friendships or boys). I felt I had enough connection with her to know she wasn’t getting into any bad online chatting when she was in her room - so sometimes it was a relief when she would go to her room after dinner and I wouldn’t see her until the next morning. That, of course, came with a massive amount of guilt (how can I be a good Mum if I don’t want to speak to my child all night?), but I feel that over time she appreciated the fact that we let her have her space and gradually (and I mean it did take a couple of years!) she started to have moments of actually wanting to talk to us! She is still quite reserved and likes her alone time but I have learnt to have conversations where I start by talking about different topics rather than asking questions. Sometimes this works and sometimes I still just get a one word answer or a shrug if the shoulders but I try not to take it personally. I never quite believed the whole “teenage brain development” theory (how can anyone be that rude or self-absorbed and not realise how much it affects others?), but I can really see the slight shift in how she copes with certain situations now versus 3 years ago - and I can only put it down to that she is starting to grow up and mature. I hope this update has helped and given some of you some hope that it does get better - you just have to give it time, and a lot of patience! Over the last 3 years… did she show me much respect? (No!), did I manage to get her to do regular chores? (No!), do I feel like I have a lot of happy memories with my daughter? (No!)… but now - do I have moments where I feel like she now wants to spend time with me (yes!), is she more helpful around the house (yes! - sometimes!), do I feel like we will have an adult relationship that will work for both of us? (Yes! - we are getting there!). I’m not sure that anything I did or didn’t do helped our family through these few rocky years - but I feel that staying strong as a family and providing a stable home where they can feel secure to be themselves (no matter how horrible it can be for the rest of us at times!) is probably the best advice I can give that helped get us through. Wishing you all the very best with your teenagers - stay strong and you will all survive the storm too! xxx
Community Manager
Hannah-RO

Re: Daughter seems to hate everyone and everything...especially us

Hey @Piper 

Thank you so much for giving us this update. It is so special to be able to learn about the journey you and your family have been on and your message of hope shines through so strongly here Heart

 

You said that you have over time become more resilient, is there anything you think has really helped you develop these skills? Do you have any advice on how parents can feel more resilient?

 

I really loved how you used macrame to bond with your daughter, doing an activity together that you can talk about is such a lovely idea that allows for a bit of space in conversation and creating a nice, calm environment.

 

Also this resonated with me so much, " I feel that staying strong as a family and providing a stable home where they can feel secure to be themselves (no matter how horrible it can be for the rest of us at times!) is probably the best advice I can give that helped get us through."

I think this is so true and fundamental in meeting young peoples needs and is a great message of love and hope Heart

Thanks again so much @Piper !

Moderator Hours

On weekends moderators work:

09:00AM to 10:00PM

We are not a counselling or crisis service and we can't guarantee you'll get a reply, so if you need to talk now

Click here for help

The current time is Sun, 10:42 PM
(Australian Eastern time)