05-05-2021 09:01 PM
Hi @Mez21, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are in an incredibly tough position right now. I can hear that you are doing your best to support your daughter but are unsure how to get through to her. It is great to hear that the schools have been supportive! It is so tough when teenagers do not want to engage but they could really use the support. I know that a lot of parents struggle with this and it can be very stressful and heartbreaking to not be able to do a whole lot about it. I am wondering if you have asked your daughter about what would be helpful for her? Or how does she think things should work in the household? This way, you might be able to reach some kind of compromise that allows you both to feel satisifed with the outcome.
I really feel for you being in this situation, I know others who are in a similar position right now and it is very challenging and tiring at times.
06-16-2021 09:16 PM
06-16-2021 11:15 PM
06-17-2021 12:22 PM
Thank you so much for giving us this update. It is so special to be able to learn about the journey you and your family have been on and your message of hope shines through so strongly here
You said that you have over time become more resilient, is there anything you think has really helped you develop these skills? Do you have any advice on how parents can feel more resilient?
I really loved how you used macrame to bond with your daughter, doing an activity together that you can talk about is such a lovely idea that allows for a bit of space in conversation and creating a nice, calm environment.
Also this resonated with me so much, " I feel that staying strong as a family and providing a stable home where they can feel secure to be themselves (no matter how horrible it can be for the rest of us at times!) is probably the best advice I can give that helped get us through."
I think this is so true and fundamental in meeting young peoples needs and is a great message of love and hope
Thanks again so much @Piper !
01-12-2022 08:41 AM - edited 01-12-2022 08:45 AM
01-12-2022 11:21 AM
Hi @Kmum8 I found it interesting reading again what I had written! So much has happened since this time and I wish I could say how great everything is but things have really gone from bad to worse.
She eventually got expelled from her last school for smoking marijuana in the toilets (she only started there in Term 3). We thought sending her to the school she wanted to go to (it was never a school we would have ever chosen for her) that she would settle but she unfortunately attracted the wrong crowd and things deteriorated from there. At the end of October, one of her 'friends' said she could live with her family so she packed her bags and left home. We felt so broken. She refused to talk to us, and if we went to visit her she looked at us like we were the worst people she had ever seen. I struck up a relationship with the other parent so at least I could find out what was going on. Eventually her welcome ran out and I think she was asked to leave so she came home. I can't even begin to tell you what we have been through but she has been in trouble with the police, has a 20yr old boyfriend (who is also in trouble with the police), comes and goes from home because now she is 16 I have no right to tell her what to do. Refuses to get a job or go to Tafe. Its amazing how many good 'friends' she has. We don't live in town as such - we are a good 20min drive to the centre of town where we live but amazingly she can get Ubers into town or people come to pick her up. Beginning of December we went on a holiday to the coast and she came with us. It was like walking on egg shells but at least she was there. 2 days before we had to leave, she somehow talked someone into picking her up and she left. We have absolutely no control and she knows it. I have so many people telling me just to kick her out but we couldn't live with ourselves if something happened to her. We have to lock up our bedroom doors because she has stolen money from us and I'm terrified she will steal my jewellery for money. We have spent a fortune on security cameras. Her friendship groups change rapidly. The boundaries we set up for ourselves, is we don't give her money (which she asks for on numerous occasions) and if she needs food while she is not at home I tell her I will pick her up and bring her food but I will not put money on her card and she cannot bring drugs into our home (I search her room and bags constantly - I have even thought about drug testing her before she can come inside). We don't allow her to bring friends home as we don't feel safe and we should be able to feel safe in our own home. I could go on and on but basically she is doing what she needs to do and I guess she needs to do stuff in her own time. Again, I have a basic understanding of why and its all about connection. She went through school with not many friends and a lot of heartache and now its about searching for her tribe. What I struggle to understand is why she pushes us away. We are a very loving family who have provided very well for her, her whole life. We have a successful business and very strong morals. She certainly knows right from wrong but his need for connection leads her to doing some very stupid things. We are at stale mate with her and I have no idea where to go next. She can't spend the next year coming and going without having a job. We love her so much but its just getting harder to have her at home and deep down I don't think she has anywhere to go. So sorry for the rant and I wish I had more positive things to say but it's crap and its hard and we are lost and yes it is so consuming.
01-13-2022 03:58 PM
I'm glad you've been able to find each other here and see that you're not alone with the heartbreaking time you're both experiencing with your daughters.
In saying that, I can see you're both feeling at your wit's end, and I think any parent in your shoes would feel the same way. To bear witness to such massive changes in your teen is confronting, to say the least.
What is very clear to see here is that you both care deeply for your girls and are trying your best to do what is right for them under incredibly challenging circumstances. I can imagine it feels like an uphill battle, but I believe that being a consistent, loving presence in your teen's life does make a difference, even if it doesn't always feel like it.
If you feel comfortable sharing, I am wondering if the two of you have a strong support network for yourselves at the moment? Family, friends or even a counsellor?
We'd be happy to send through some family support resources if you think that might be helpful. In addition, we do offer a free 1:1 parent support service that you can register for here if you're interested.
In the meantime, we are always here for you to rant to, and that's something you never have to make apologies for!
01-17-2022 06:30 AM
01-17-2022 03:18 PM
@Kmum8 I can hear the grief in your words when you talk about how you never expected this to be your relationship with your daughter when she was younger.
It sounds like you're doing whatever you can to hold onto the connection you have by continuing to show her unconditional love and support.
It must take a lot to persevere when things are so difficult and I really feel for you.
Sounds like your daughter isn't open to professional support right now, but do you have anyone you can turn to for support (whether professional or family, friends, etc)?
We're so glad you're reaching out here and connecting with other parents who've been through similar situations.