Daughter seems to hate everyone and everything...especially us

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Mez21, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are in an incredibly tough position right now. I can hear that you are doing your best to support your daughter but are unsure how to get through to her. It is great to hear that the schools have been supportive! It is so tough when teenagers do not want to engage but they could really use the support. I know that a lot of parents struggle with this and it can be very stressful and heartbreaking to not be able to do a whole lot about it. I am wondering if you have asked your daughter about what would be helpful for her? Or how does she think things should work in the household? This way, you might be able to reach some kind of compromise that allows you both to feel satisifed with the outcome.

I really feel for you being in this situation, I know others who are in a similar position right now and it is very challenging and tiring at times.

[AngryDepressed]

You’ve just described my 15 year old daughter to a t minus the boyfriend. Please tell me what’s happened since 2018. Is there any hope? Did anything help?

[Piper]

Hi everyone

Wow! I’ve just read through all the messages in this thread - including my original post. I definitely feel for everyone who has been through or still going through similar situations that we experienced with our daughter. I have to say that things have definitely improved since 3 years ago - they are not perfect, but I guess no child is. We still have our moments - she is 19 now - but I feel as time goes by she is becoming more aware of how her actions are affecting others. From my side I guess I have learnt to become more resilient. I found that sometimes the more I ignored the behaviour and didn’t react the sooner “the storm” would be over (until the next time!). I guess I got to a point where I thought all my worry and angst about how I was going to get her to change was a waste of energy - she just had to work it all through in her own time. That’s really hard to swallow when you have the tension in your house all the time, but I really just tried to focus on doing things that I enjoyed and trying to engage her that way (for instance, my daughter enjoyed doing macrame so I bought some wool and started making a hanger myself and if she was nearby I chatted about what she thought about it and the type of beads I was going to use, etc. One of the main things I tried not to do was make it about her so she didn’t feel smothered or interrogated. I really enjoyed doing it and I think this showed - so it was more about her engaging with me and having something to chat about rather than me just asking her questions or seemingly interfering in her life). If I look back on the last few years I really think the main change came from her just growing up. If I can suggest anything it would be that giving her her own space at home (most of the time behind her closed door of her bedroom) was the security she needed sometimes to not feel like she had to find that comfort somewhere else (like with toxic friendships or boys). I felt I had enough connection with her to know she wasn’t getting into any bad online chatting when she was in her room - so sometimes it was a relief when she would go to her room after dinner and I wouldn’t see her until the next morning. That, of course, came with a massive amount of guilt (how can I be a good Mum if I don’t want to speak to my child all night?), but I feel that over time she appreciated the fact that we let her have her space and gradually (and I mean it did take a couple of years!) she started to have moments of actually wanting to talk to us! She is still quite reserved and likes her alone time but I have learnt to have conversations where I start by talking about different topics rather than asking questions. Sometimes this works and sometimes I still just get a one word answer or a shrug if the shoulders but I try not to take it personally. I never quite believed the whole “teenage brain development” theory (how can anyone be that rude or self-absorbed and not realise how much it affects others?), but I can really see the slight shift in how she copes with certain situations now versus 3 years ago - and I can only put it down to that she is starting to grow up and mature. I hope this update has helped and given some of you some hope that it does get better - you just have to give it time, and a lot of patience! Over the last 3 years… did she show me much respect? (No!), did I manage to get her to do regular chores? (No!), do I feel like I have a lot of happy memories with my daughter? (No!)… but now - do I have moments where I feel like she now wants to spend time with me (yes!), is she more helpful around the house (yes! - sometimes!), do I feel like we will have an adult relationship that will work for both of us? (Yes! - we are getting there!). I’m not sure that anything I did or didn’t do helped our family through these few rocky years - but I feel that staying strong as a family and providing a stable home where they can feel secure to be themselves (no matter how horrible it can be for the rest of us at times!) is probably the best advice I can give that helped get us through. Wishing you all the very best with your teenagers - stay strong and you will all survive the storm too! xxx

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Piper 

Thank you so much for giving us this update. It is so special to be able to learn about the journey you and your family have been on and your message of hope shines through so strongly here 

You said that you have over time become more resilient, is there anything you think has really helped you develop these skills? Do you have any advice on how parents can feel more resilient?

I really loved how you used macrame to bond with your daughter, doing an activity together that you can talk about is such a lovely idea that allows for a bit of space in conversation and creating a nice, calm environment.

Also this resonated with me so much, " I feel that staying strong as a family and providing a stable home where they can feel secure to be themselves (no matter how horrible it can be for the rest of us at times!) is probably the best advice I can give that helped get us through."

I think this is so true and fundamental in meeting young peoples needs and is a great message of love and hope

Thanks again so much @Piper !

[Kmum8]

Hi, @Mez21 how is your situation now? Mine is very similar to yours however my daughter is 14 and has crossed a lot of boundaries with verbal and even got physical with us. Refuses to talk to anyone, says she hates me and I'm the problem. Declining rapidly at school behaviour wise even though she is capable. Says she can't wait to leave. Moans we don't trust her but we've been let down so many times, hates our rules and basically treats us like crap unless she wants something. Hate the effect it has on the whole family especially younger siblings it's consuming my life finding it hard to concentrate on work because of constant incidents. 😩

[Mez21]

Hi @Kmum8 I found it interesting reading again what I had written! So much has happened since this time and I wish I could say how great everything is but things have really gone from bad to worse.

She eventually got expelled from her last school for smoking marijuana in the toilets (she only started there in Term 3). We thought sending her to the school she wanted to go to (it was never a school we would have ever chosen for her) that she would settle but she unfortunately attracted the wrong crowd and things deteriorated from there. At the end of October, one of her 'friends' said she could live with her family so she packed her bags and left home. We felt so broken. She refused to talk to us, and if we went to visit her she looked at us like we were the worst people she had ever seen. I struck up a relationship with the other parent so at least I could find out what was going on. Eventually her welcome ran out and I think she was asked to leave so she came home. I can't even begin to tell you what we have been through but she has been in trouble with the police, has a 20yr old boyfriend (who is also in trouble with the police), comes and goes from home because now she is 16 I have no right to tell her what to do. Refuses to get a job or go to Tafe. Its amazing how many good 'friends' she has. We don't live in town as such - we are a good 20min drive to the centre of  town where we live but amazingly she can get Ubers into town or people come to pick her up. Beginning of December we went on a holiday to the coast and she came with us. It was like walking on egg shells but at least she was there. 2 days before we had to leave, she somehow talked someone into picking her up and she left. We have absolutely no control and she knows it. I have so many people telling me just to kick her out but we couldn't live with ourselves if something happened to her. We have to lock up our bedroom doors because she has stolen money from us and I'm terrified she will steal my jewellery for money. We have spent a fortune on security cameras. Her friendship groups change rapidly. The boundaries we set up for ourselves, is we don't give her money (which she asks for on numerous occasions) and if she needs food while she is not at home I tell her I will pick her up and bring her food but I will not put money on her card and she cannot bring drugs into our home (I search her room and bags constantly - I have even thought about drug testing her before she can come inside). We don't allow her to bring friends home as we don't feel safe and we should be able to feel safe in our own home. I could go on and on but basically she is doing what she needs to do and I guess she needs to do stuff in her own time. Again, I have a basic understanding of why and its all about connection. She went through school with not many friends and a lot of heartache and now its about searching for her tribe. What I struggle to understand is why she pushes us away. We are a very loving family who have provided very well for her, her whole life. We have a successful business and very strong morals. She certainly knows right from wrong but his need for connection leads her to doing some very stupid things. We are at stale mate with her and I have no idea where to go next. She can't spend the next year coming and going without having a job. We love her so much but its just getting harder to have her at home and deep down I don't think she has anywhere to go. So sorry for the rant and I wish I had more positive things to say but it's crap and its hard and we are lost and yes it is so consuming.

[Bre-RO]

Hi there @Kmum8 and @Mez21 

I'm glad you've been able to find each other here and see that you're not alone with the heartbreaking time you're both experiencing with your daughters. 

In saying that, I can see you're both feeling at your wit's end, and I think any parent in your shoes would feel the same way. To bear witness to such massive changes in your teen is confronting, to say the least. 

What is very clear to see here is that you both care deeply for your girls and are trying your best to do what is right for them under incredibly challenging circumstances. I can imagine it feels like an uphill battle, but I believe that being a consistent, loving presence in your teen's life does make a difference, even if it doesn't always feel like it. 

If you feel comfortable sharing, I am wondering if the two of you have a strong support network for yourselves at the moment? Family, friends or even a counsellor? 

We'd be happy to send through some family support resources if you think that might be helpful. In addition, we do offer a free 1:1 parent support service that you can register for here if you're interested. 

In the meantime, we are always here for you to rant to, and that's something you never have to make apologies for! 

[Kmum8]

Oh @Mez21 I'm so sorry things haven't got better for you. I fear we could be in the same place in future. Our daughter is 14 but like yours had a rocky road with friendships and ultimately wants to be accepted by people so ends up in the wrong crowds. Also been excluded for smoking weed and had brushes with police for going missing or online activity. She pushes us away and has unleashed vile hatred toward me blaming me and saying she'll never ever talk to me. Its not how i ever expected our relationship to be when she was younger. It really is difficult, at the moment we are just not pushing anything standards for school, ignoring the disrespect at home in the hope she will deal in her self and come back around. Again we are a loving family who work hard and she has younger siblings so don't know why she pushes away. I wish she'd speak to someone but it's an absolute no no from her. Just have to keep plodding along keeping her as close as we can and letting her know she is loved, bout all we can do. Xx

[Philippa-RO]

@Kmum8 I can hear the grief in your words when you talk about how you never expected this to be your relationship with your daughter when she was younger.

It sounds like you're doing whatever you can to hold onto the connection you have by continuing to show her unconditional love and support. 

It must take a lot to persevere when things are so difficult and I really feel for you. 

Sounds like your daughter isn't open to professional support right now, but do you have anyone you can turn to for support (whether professional or family, friends, etc)? 

We're so glad you're reaching out here and connecting with other parents who've been through similar situations.