Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

[Ngaio-RO]

Hey @Carebear75

I just want to convey, as strongly as possible, that we all understand how easy it is to offer suggestions and how hard it is when you're living it. Please don't think we are assuming you haven't already tried a million things and have given so much energy and thought and love and concern to trying to helping your daughter.

Sometimes it can feel impossible to break through their impenetrable wall of disdain and eye rolling and ignoring and yelling. I had a similar situation with my teenage daughter last year. I remember crying and saying to her, "Please tell me what I can do. I'm so worried about you." In my mind we were going to keep fighting until she stormed out and we never saw her again. BUT, we found a solution.

Before I add more suggestions to the list, by saying what worked for me, would you like to take a moment and look back at the replies and see if there's anything there you would like to try? 

[motherbear]

Great post Ngaio. It is also important that we can express how we feel in the words that come to us and speak perfectly to our experience and frustrations !

[Ngaio-RO]

I completely agree @motherbear It's important that everyone here feel that it's ok to speak their truth.

I also think that @readthemanual would support that too and what was meant by the post was just highlighting the impact our language can have. Although I'm very confident that @Carebear75 knows that too and is just expressing how difficult this is.

Because I think the one thing we all agree on is, this parenting gig is hard!

And sometimes you just want to...

[HippyMum]

So sorry to hear...  I love the advice to 'recalibrate' - maybe take the chance to reset the relationship a little, explain that it's hard for everyone but that you're all trying your best and there's a lot of love. But there have to be rules, so that you can live together peacefully. Perhaps talk about limits and why you think they need to be where you've set them. Listen to her and perhaps compromise on one or two less important things.  Above all, I'd suggest staying close. I think kids often push away when they want to feel love and support from parents. Make sure you chat to her about normal stuff (how's her day been, what's going on with her friends), without making a big deal of it. She might think it's weird to begin with, but she'll probably appreciate the positive attention, when she realises you don't have an agenda. That closer relationship makes it easier to handle the tough stuff together. No quick, easy fixes, but slow progress. Best of luck and don't give up!

[Sophi-RO]

Awesome approach @HippyMum!

[taokat]

@Carebear75 thank you for opening up and sharing your struggles. It is important we feel free to use the descriptive terms we need to to convey what is actually happening. It is also vital that parents not feel judged or put down in any way, shape or form, as that is counter-productive to this forum.

Having been through a very similar situation, I relate to your words! Parenting teens is tough. It can be difficult remaining patient when all you get back is snarling and defiance. The great news is that there are ways of improving your relationship with your daughter that will work! 

The advice already given here is fantastic, and similar to @Ngaio-RO, I don't want to bombard you with things to try that have worked for me unless you find you are needing additional ideas. Whatever you try, remember it's not going to work the first time, the second time, but if you hang in there you will see massive changes. 

The coaching course mentioned is fantastic! I have completed it and found it very useful. It is tailored to the issues you have having with yourr teen, and provides useful tools to use that will help bridge the gap and help you help your teen. It's done online in the comfort of your home so is really convenient.

Be kind to yourself too. As parents we're all doing the very best we can.

[readthemanual]

@motherbear these are really practical advices! Thank you!

[readthemanual]

@Carebear75 I am sorry that I had offended you in my last post. However, that might be how your daughter feels when you tell her the rules and give her instructions to do things. Sometimes, I have this attitude too: I make rules in my house and you have to follow. And these are the times when children are put off. I have to constantly remind myself that I have to negotiate with my daughter instead of simply give orders/rules.

Parenting is not an easy job. But I honestly believe that if things did not go my way, I might have made a wrong choice in the past. and if I really want it my way, I would think of a better way to get it next time. It's not about "fault" or "dirt".

[Ngaio-RO]

Thanks for explaining that @readthemanual I think it really helps to know that you didn't mean any offense by it. It's very easy for things to get a bit misconstrued when we only have text to go by and we can't see the kind smile behind the words.

Something I always keep in the front of my mind when I'm interacting on the forums is that it's a genuine privilege to not only hear people's stories but to respond to them and offer insights. And like all privileges, it comes with responsibilities.

I will always remember how much strength it takes a parent to share honestly about what's happening at home. It's very private. So it's important that we, as a community, make this a warm, safe space to encourage parents to keep sharing and growing.

[taokat]

Hi @Carebear75. Just wanted to let you know we're missing you here.

I've been wondering how things have been going with your daughter. Please remember you have support here.