Hi @Daisy18,
Sorry to hear about what's going on with your son. I have been in a similar boat on and off with my own kids and am not really sure what their current status is but they seem to be on the okay side of things atm. I am Mum to a 19 year old son and 17 year old daughter. I have some serious health issues which put our family under hellish stress at times, but it also means I've had extensive occupational therapy and advice on starting over from scratch from where I've been lying flat in the quagmire and physically and emotionally been unable to lift much more than my nose off the ground. At this point, finding your first step is really difficult even if you're busting with hope, enthusiasm or pure desperation because that first step is so small it's barely an incline.
Our son fell into a bit of a heap a few years ago and sounds very similar to your son, except he was involved with Scouts and his youth group and had really good support there. I thought I'd share the story of him getting his Ls and he's now almost got his hours up to go for his Ps.
I took him for his first Ls test and failed and blew up in spectacular fashion and it was horrible both to see him so upset and to have to deal with the fallout. He turned his back on getting his Ls and it was a closed door. However, his mates at youth kept onto him as peers can often seem to do in a way that parents can't and ultimately movement came when his youth leader offered him a tub of Baskin Robbins ice cream if he booked himself in for the L test by the end of the next day. He was like a young man possessed. Unfortunately, this wasn't long after lockdown and there was a massive backlog and he couldn't get a booking locally for a few months and so we ended up driving him 1.5 hours away to do the test. My husband took time off work and the three of us went up there and he thank goodness passed. However, it was few months before we actually managed to get him to drive our car. I spoke with the OT who had also been his OT as he is on the NDIS and he said some people are anxious just putting the key in the ignition and starting the car. I'm an anxious driver but that's never been a problem. So when he asked me for $20.00, I said I'd give it to him if he sat in the car and turned the engine on. Off he went. He went driving in carparks with the youth leaders and then out with my husband first. He has come such a long way. A few months ago, he asked me to drive somewhere, I initially said no also because I hadn't driven there myself in over 10 years and suggested he went with his Dad. However, we drove over and that went well and so I agreed. However, I said we'd go late at night since a friend had suggested that's a good time to handle it for the first time when there isn't much traffic around. He went really well.
While the driving is going well, he has fallen in a hole with getting paid employment although he volunteers at church and I am waiting, hoping maybe trying to nudge him ever so subtly to apply for a paid job.
I should also mention that he's been a lot more chatty with us over the last couple of years.
My daughter is also 17. She's in Year 12. She's missed a lot of school due to some medical issues but she's wanting a career in dance. She was going to do her HSC and started the year with enough subjects to get an ATAR. However, subject by subject she derailed and just before the trials she dropped her ATAR subjects. We come from a very academic family so this wasn't easy for us to process. However, its clear she is who she is and she'd missed so much school and was so anxious that even I realised it wasn't worth the risk to her mental health. I have done Lifeline's suicide intervention course, ASIST, and I was becoming concerned. It just became very clear that for her to do the conventional thing and have her HSC was barking up the wrong tree and the seemingly precarious path of becoming a dancer was ironically a more sensible route for her. BTW I should mention that she is academically bright and was in the OC class in primary school. Something seriously derailed and the extensive covid lockdowns and her health issues were too much.
BTW like your son, our daughter has refused to see a psychologist and would rather go to the dentist. I've got her along a couple of times and she goes silent, curls up in a ball and it's painful. It's also expensive. I've ended up being her help and like yourself, I've spoken to professionals to find out what to do and I have a few close friends I turn to as well.
My daughter tends to withdraw when things aren't going well. I'm an extrovert but she's an introvert especially when she's stressed. We end up talking to her closed door or via text or a grunt if we're lucky. However, I got into this thing of sending her funny photos mainly of fashion, our dogs etc weird things I found on Salvos online and she would respond most of the time. The trick is finding that spark, the makings of a spark even to get things started.
My OT put me onto a fantastic book which has really helped me....James Clear: Atomic Habits. He explains really well how really small but continuous small steps accumulate and make a difference. It's been life changing for me because there have been so many things I've wanted to do, agreed to do and then nothing happens and I've never understood why. He recommends attaching a new habit to an existing habit and that helps trigger my memory and he also recommends setting a time and place for an action. It really works.
The other thing I wanted to mention, is that while my daughter hasn't been real communicative with me lately, I've been exchanging texts with a young woman from church who is going through a tough times and she's been really open with me which is lovely and I am sort of like an aunty but I call her my friend. After all, I have some elderly friends and so age isn't a barrier. I did tell her that if I had concerns I'd be in touch with Mum and dad and I have had to do that as she went off her meds. I wanted to mention that. I'm not sure what the recommendations are for teens taking anti-depressants and whether they are in charge of their own medication or whether parents are supervising it but it raised questions for me about them taking too many pills at once or going off it and giving the impression they're fine and the meds are working when they're actually in a bad way.
I guess my question would be for you to think about what helps your son feel a bit better...listening to music, going for a walk, getting some sun/air, Has anything helped him in the past? All of us here seem to find walking helps. A friend told me that scents help him calm like a scented candle, or deodorant. Another friend used to stand in the water down at the beach. She was fighting cancer and going through a divorce so she certainly had a lot going on and that helped her. You could try the above as well.
The challenge is to give him and I guess yourself a glimmer of hope. Something going well for him beyond his electronics. The smallest step which can accumulate into a meaningful transition.
I hope this helps.
Best wishes,
Birdwings
