Hi @LovingThruBlue . I am so sorry to hear that your daughters friend took her life ,and that your daughter who you say has been previously at risk had to experience this awful life changing trauma . For you and your precious girl it must be particularly painful and confronting as the issues that haunted her friend must resonate with you too . I cannot ever begin to understand what you must be feeling or grappling with . This is just horrific.
There is no perfect response to this momentous event but it can be a catalyst for you to speak to a professional about how you should proceed now. What could be a trigger ? What should we discuss ? What should we avoid discussing ? What do I need to look out for in the future . How close do I keep her to me without suffocating her ?
I remember watching a documentary once about a suicide cluster in a bleak little town called Merthyr Tydfil in Wales ( my homeland) It was so strange because one family sat around their tiny lounge room talking about the most recent suicide . The boys best friend / cousin had been the most recent suicide and the family discussed it extensively . The mother said to the boy , " you would never do it too would you ? " . The boy said " no way , I know how much damage and pain it causes the family ."
The next part of the doco voice over said the following week the boy had killed himself. I could hardly believe what I was seeing ! How could that be possible ?! They family were all well informed about what had gone on in the town and they had spoken together about it extensively but why wasn't it enough ?
Then it transpired that the boy had said he was mentally sick 3 weeks later and was struggling with his cousins death . He had told his Mum this one morning and that he was very depressed and possibly suicidal , she was concerned but had let him get on with the routine of his day alone , he then presented to ER and they sent him home because they were busy !!
The problem was not enough love , concern , or even psychoeducation it was lack of crisis action when it was most needed . You are a Mum who is very vigilant hyper tuned to the nuanced behaviours of your child , her particular mental health patterns, and understand that her words need to be taken seriously and acted upon immediately . You would have stuck by her side UNTIL and got her professional help immediately, I am sure .
Trust your ability to read your child , you are attuned to her moods and the history you have between you already, is already a protective shield and a buffer to the trigger for impulsive fatal behaviour.
It is imperative that she truly "gets " that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary feeling . The wave of deep emotional pain , depression or despair will pass . They are like waves that swell and ebb and putting herself in the hands of someone who will love and take care of her until the wave passes is paramount . Tell her she can ride that way , you will ride it with her , and she can come out the other end ok , she has done it before and will do it again .
Tell her repeatedly to come to you at bad times and say " Mum , right now I can't be responsible for my wellbeing . I need you to take over me and do whatever you need to do to keep me safe because I do not have the capacity to do this for myself " .
She may start to go through an intense period of grief over the loss of her friend . Make sure you explain to her the 5- 7 stages of grief and educate yourself on strategies to deal with the grief .
Some things you could do to help the grief process :
Making a memorial book / video about her friend , writing her goodbye letters , setting up a foundation , planting a tree , burning a candle and reciting a prayer or poetry .
Get together with other friends and share happy funny memories , expressing the joy she brought you and the way she contributed to your lives in a positive way , pictures, videos a special trip to her favourite place to place flowers . This would also be a good opportunity for you and her friends to talk about the impact of the suicide on her family and her friends . How has her suicide impacted you all ? What could she have done differently ? What could have you done differently ? What would you do if you felt that low ? What have you learned from her passing ?
Tell her the grief will take time to become an integrated part of her life and that the beautiful spirit of her friend will stay with her , in her heart and in her soul. Tell her that she can honour her friends memory by living well and being the best she can be at life . This is what her friend would want for her . It is the greatest gift to those we have loved and lost .... living well for ourselves and for their spirit and memory .
