HELP! At a loss and super worried.

[Sunshine72]

You have EVERY right to feel this way. It’s totally normal. Enough is enough. My heart breaks for us and our boys. My husband has spoken of having him move out, but to where? I don’t think I could do that but things also can’t go on this way.

Right now we have school and some muttering. These are the positives we’re grasping to but deep down we know things aren’t right. You don’t have this so it’s even harder. I can’t understand that just the other day he was positive about going to gym and now nothing. I’m so sorry there’s no improvements.

I’m sick of our boys treating us the way they do, the way they talk. Imagine if we spoke to them like they spoke to us. Not on!

Coming to terms with their behaviour and how we deal with it is so challenging. It feels impossible to switch off. I try. I try to watch mindless tv or distract myself but this only works for a short time then comes back straight after. There’s got to be a way to help us deal with this. I must say writing with you really helps as it makes me feel not so alone. It makes me feel like someone TRULY understands. It makes me feel connected and supported. You’re amazing! I think you do so much and are constantly thinking of ideas and trying and trying and trying AND that keeps me going. I wish I could help you. I wish I could help my son and help my self!

Its s*** and I hate it, it’s physically and mentally draining but we have to just keep trying. We fall into that deep hole and feel there’s no way out and that’s okay to feel like that. We are in a crappy place but then we dig deep and pull it together to face another day always being true to ourselves in knowing that we are doing the best we can. You ARE doing the best you can! You ARE a great mum! You AREA not responsible for their choices. We are only in control of our choices. We are choosing to care. That’s why we’re sad and affected! If we didn’t care, we wouldn’t be worried. We’re good people and it’s our life too so it’s ok for us to have these feelings.
It’s ok for us to go and crawl under a rock and scream! I know I need to. xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72
I agree having each other is great it really does help and im forever grateful to you for listening and supporting me. It was meant to be that we found each other. Im sure there are many more like us going thru this i just hope they are ok too.

You are doing an amazing job and your hubby
Im so glad your son is still going to school thats so good at least he will find things easier than my son but sadly thats the choice my son has made and as he frequently tells us he doesnt care.
Im keeping my fingers and toes crossed that soon they start turning the corner because im scared im going to stop caring soon if this continues xx

[Sunshine72]

I totally get that you’re scared. I’m scared too. Very scared. Living in anticipation each day of what’s going to happen. I try hard to see past it but man it’s hard!

I worry about their future and what happens when we’re no longer around. I worry cause selfishly I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. Life is short and as much as we love our boys we deserve to be happy. We have the right to live a better life that we’ve worked so hard for.

I have to be honest, yes he’s going to school but no grades and no effort and no care so really what is it going to do for him?!? Nothing! Yes it’s better than not going but it’s just prolonging the inevitable. He tells us it’s s*** he doesn’t want to be there. He keeps threatening to leave and when we offer to talk to him and support his choice to find alternatives he just shuts down and reacts! I’m over it too. We’re allowed to be angry too. Obviously we don’t do it in front of them cause we’re supposed to be the adults, role models, but man it’s hard! I want to throw in the towel but what keeps us going? I’m not sure?!?! Hope? Love? Care factor? Something keeps us hanging on. We need to give ourselves permission to be angry and have bad days. I have heaps of those now. It annoys me. I’m trying but I know you make it easier for me so thank YOU!! I agree that we were meant to connect. It does feel bizarre that we share our story in this public forum and I do struggle with that. But I think I’d struggle more without it.

I live in hope for us both. They have to come out the other side, don’t they? It’s sad but I wonder if I’ll be visiting him in jail one day and then I have to turn my thoughts around because if he doesn’t make the right choices I can’t control that. It saddens me because Society judges us as good and bad parents. If they only knew! Well look at all the kids with s*** parents and they’re beautiful kids - it feels unfair?- then us being supportive parents with ‘lost’ boys. I feel ripped off but these are the cards I’ve been dealt and I have to try and play them. Grrrr! Not happy but we soldier on.

Thank you for you! Thank you for being there. You’re stronger than you know. Thank you xxx

[Sandee]

You summed that up spot on i couldnt agree more and feel exactly the same.
I too feel a bit weird that others read our posts but if they dont like it they dont have to read it and just maybe we can help someone else who is going thru similar but too afraid to talk.
Xx

[Sunshine72]

Such a good way of looking at it. 🙏🏼❤️
I think I’ve become a little (or a lot) paranoid because it’s such a small world and I wonder who I know is reading this and working out who I am. I’ve had a lot of close calls of late and I guess it shows my embarrassment of those around me finding out, Clearlybthats my issue and as my hubby says, they probably already know. Geez it shouldn’t be this hard. I hate feeling like a failure and am so glad to have connected with you. We ARE good, caring parents trying our best and our methods won’t suit everyone around us but they’re not our priority. Our kids and ourselves ARE! xx

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee,
How are you today?

I’m just sad! Sad about this whole situation! Feeling deflated but trying so hard to accept I can’t control his choices. Trying! Not succeeding but trying.

Thinking of you. Hope you’re ok. xx

[Sandee]

Hello @Sunshine72
Im ok today still over it but thats bot going to change. Again no school today and clearly has no intention to go back.
Im sorry that you feel this way but i understand. Did your son go to school today ? Is he starting to do the work?
Has he been home or is he still going out ?
Its tough really tough i wish things would change for us both cause this isnt enjoyable at all xx

[Sunshine72]

Hi @Sandee,

Hope you’re managing ok. It’s tough!

He’s going to school but not doing the work. Well he does minimal and gets ‘fails’ E’s on his rubrics. Doesn’t care. His school bag is like a bomb went off. Bought him all new books but he’s trashed them all and his bag is a rubbish tip. If I didn’t charge his laptop each night or do his lunch box he wouldn’t bother. Says he doesn’t care.

He’s doing part time work after school but spending the money on vapes/tobacco stores and another store and fast food and cash out for ???
Makes me sick in the stomach.

When he not working he goes out (like last night). Refuses to work on weekends cause he goes out. His time apparently. Tried to ask him to do something with us but absolutely no way!

Dreading holidays and Christmas.

[Sandee]

@Sunshine72 yes thats hard for sure. Do you think they will pass him? Has he ever said he may want to do a trade? Its good though that he still goes because they can legally drop out at 16.
When he goes out does he tell you when he will be back or just shows up whenever ? Its so far from how we were raised and i think to us its disrespectful as we would never do that to our parents but they seem to have no clue.
Im flying home tonight so who knows what im walking into , i would really rather stay here.
Is he still talking about his trip with his friends?
We are all meant to be coming back here for xmas but i dont even know if i can get my son to come. So my hubby and i will just tag team it. He will come for the first week to see his family and i will come for the second. It means for the first time we wont be together xmas day but we dont have much of a choice sadly.
Its just crazy

[Sunshine72]

@Sandee,

I am guessing they will give him a school report with each subject area being a 'D' or and 'E'  I have never heard of them making someone repeat a grade in high school, only in primary. He has signed up for a trade (that we did all the ground work for), so I'm not really sure how much effort he is going to put into it. Time will tell. 

He just goes out and if I ask where he's going, he says, 'out' and if I ask when he'll be home he says, 'don't know.' So really he just shows up whenever. If I request he's home by a certain time, he says 'yeah' but then at the time I message him to ask where he is and he says, 'I'll be home soon.' If I say, 'no, now or I want you home at this time' he'll respond with, 'nah' 

Look I have to say he has gotten a bit better of late with responding to some texts so I am clutching to that. Still a long way to go. When he says 'soon' I ask what time he's thinking and he'll give me a guide but still don't know where he is or who he's actually with. When I ask who he's with he'll say friends or he'll say you don't know them. Alarm bells there!

Yeah I agree it's not how we raised them and I wish I knew what caused the change? I'm so confused how it all turned about. I worry that they're like that with us, so what are they like in society. No regard! Although sometimes he shows signs of goodness and that's what I clutch to. 

I want to be harder (cause I can be rather stern) but I'm actually concerned about his mental health and his low self esteem and some of the questionnaires he filled in before they gave him adhd meds where he circled things like, 'he's better off not alive' - hence I'm scared it will push him over the edge. He tells me, 'he didn't ask to be born.' 

I don't know if you heard the news about a young surfer who took his own life on the weekend and no one saw it coming. It's so tragic and with my son's mental state I constantly worry about what's going on in his head.  

So a girlfriend of mine has friends (that I don't know) who had a troubled teen and they sent him to boot camp. The boot camp people just came and whisked him off and he went for a couple of weeks where they really drill them down. I'm sure you would have seen these types of things on TV years ago or heard of them, they were quite big in America. I remember watching a show years ago where it would turn the teens around by instilling discipline in them. Anyway the teen they took ended up with HUGE mental health issues and has become so much worse and it had a totally negative effect. It did more bad than good. Different strokes for different folks. I must admit when we first started going through all the issues, we thought about it too, but the more research I did and the more I monitored our son's behaviour I really believe it would have an adverse effect on him. 

He hasn't mentioned the interstate trip with his friends but I'm guessing come the hols the topic will be brought up again. 

I hope your flight home is smooth and things are ok at home. I hope your husband is ok. It's tough! You mention that your and your husbands family are away from where you currently live. Would you consider moving back there or is that not an option. Did you use to live there with your son or have you always been where you are? 

Safe travels home. xx