Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

[taokat]

Hey @Moloko. Yes, I don't know what happened to it. It wasn't removed, just disappeared. I liked your previous comment, but when I came back to reply it was gone. We'll look into it. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply again!

That's fantastic news about the school change! Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and go from there hey. But it does sounds like you made the best move, even if it's making the phone struggle a bit more difficult. You must be glowing that she has such a positive social life, and I think there will be a time of adjustment as you create a new balance of friends vs homework. I think the compromises you are making are fair, and as long as she's complying, it's a win. 

I used to whinge about my daughter whinging and whining about being asked to do anything, and our caseworker gave me some perspective. She pointed out to me that even though she was making a big fuss, she was still doing as I asked - which was what I wanted! I couldn't argue that fact. 

Thank you too for sharing your discipline around the phone too. I remember being told that a week is like a year to teens so having shorter restriction times are way more effective, and are met with less resistance. (Not without resistance, but less!)

You're doing an amazing job. Do you think your husband might be interested in doing the parent coaching? I'm just thinking it may help get on your page. You can check out the link here.

My daughter used be very rude and disrespectful, and she still has her moments. For us, I've found it's worked quite well letting my daughter see the effects of her words. I stopped hiding my tears, and started saying things like "I feel really hurt when you say that to me." Use "I" statements so we're not placing blame but I thinks it's good for them to learn the effects of their words. They then learn empathy and start thinking about what they say. Or, apologising afterwards if they haven't been so nice. Apologising has worked really well for us, and I model that by apologising to her if I've said something a bit mean, or shouted or whatever. That was soooo hard to start doing because to me it felt like I was giving her the power, but I'm amazed at the results! 

Strong willed teens are a handful, and very exhausting! Mine's the same and we don't even have to have a drama and I'm exhausted! I'm so glad self care is now a part of your parenting. It makes such a difference to how we cope - and how much we can cope with.

I can hear how trying and emotional it has been for you, but I hope it helps knowing how well you're doing. You're clearly a very loving Mum.

Hopefully some other parents can share their successful tips for teaching teens about their words as well. 

[Moloko]

Thanks so much for your kind words and support it really does help to get feedback.

You are so right about the whinging. Even if she gives me backchat she always does what I ask...I try not to engage in an argument and just say do as I have asked or these are the consequences...choice is yours and try and walk away. She may mutter or say a few things but always complies.

Thanks for your advice on letting your kids see how their words can hurt...I totally agree. I could see my daughter was really upset that I was in tears and as you say sometimes they need to see the effect their words have on you.

Thanks again for your words of encouragement and support...its so great there is a place like this where other parents are going through or have been through what we are going through and we can all support each other. 😊

[Zoesplace]

Hi @Moloko

Your story sounds so familiar…I would almost think you are writing about my life!   Except, my daughter has not changed schools, which by the way I am glad has been a positive experience for  your daughter.

Sounds like you are off to a good start with the phone boundaries, even though it is a battle.  Make sure you are consistent, and don’t give up.  It will get easier..  Good idea to have alternatives to the phone if your daughter still wants to listen to music or have an alarm..  Taking the phone for even short periods can be beneficial. A week is a lifetime for kids!! 

Allowing your daughter to earn the phone back early is a great incentive, and I am glad that it worked for you.  Keep up with the phone charging in the kitchen on school nights.  I have a 9:30pm phone curfew for my 17 year old on school nights.  At first she Hated it with a passion.  10 months later… she hands her phone over with no problem 90% of the time, and is usually asleep shortly after.   If you can persevere it will be well worth it, and it will also help her into some healthy sleep habits.

I struggled so much with trying to put rules and boundaries in place when my daughter was self harming. Trying to find that balance and picking your battles, as you don’t want upset them for fear that they might hurt themselves.     

My daughter use to sometimes treat me so badly I became numb to a lot of it, but also had a few break downs as well.  My daughter witnessed my last breakdown, prior to this I don’t think she fully comprehended how her behaviour and actions were affecting the family- so I think it was probably a good thing for your daughter to see how you are being affected… You are only human!

My daughter and husband also use to have bust ups.  My daughter use to ring me when I was working nights crying because of something that dad had done.  I would contact dad, and he wouldn’t even know she was upset. Then I would be trying not to cry at work, knowing how upset she was at home.  I stopped working the night shift after a while.  Luckily things have got better between them - they have always been fairly close.

Some good advice we received was to “pause”.  Pause before speaking, replying to someone or reacting.  It could take as little as 2-3 seconds of pausing to change a reaction. This may allow your daughter a chance to think before she speaks.  Often the anger or frustration can be reduced by allowing a few seconds of space.  It is easier said than done, however it does help.

You sound like a loving and caring mum, that is sometimes struggling to hold it together.  This is completely understandable considering what you are going through with your daughter. Make sure you look after yourself (something that I did not do well)  It will help you be a better parent for your daughter, relief some stress and make for a happier you. 

[taokat]

Thank you for your lovely feedback @Moloko  It's my pleasure!

Parenting can be so difficult at times and we can feel really isolated in our struggles and worry. This community is such an awesome one, that I also use for support when I'm struggling. 

I've had some fantastic support over the years with my daughter, I want to pass it on. My case worker needed to be multiplied, she was brilliant! 

[Moloko]

Well we have had a great week until tonight when it was time to put ph in the kitchen. We got major attitude and push back and very disrespectful back chat from our daughter tonight. She was so rude and challenging it just wears me down some days
She has been great at handing the ph in during the week but tonight she pushed us on it so much and argued. The thing im struggling with is she doesnt seem to think shes said anything wrong or disrespectful to us...she thinks we are the ones being disrespectful towards her...I feel a bit defeated tonight

[LovingThruBlue]

@Moloko - It's really great that she's been doing well at handing the phone over during the week. We find Sunday nights tough here too. Fingers crossed for a better run tomorrow night. For now ...  a few deep breaths, a virtual hug & hopefully a good nights sleep for us all to start the new week afresh. 

[Breez-RO]

Hey @Moloko it's definitely understandable to feel defeated right now... But on the plus side so good to hear the week was good until this moment. Have the two of you managed to have a little breathing space tonight? It's definitely important for you to get some time away for yourself to gain a little self care; a podcast in bed, a bath, a book anything that's just for you. Thinking of you tonight, we're all here to listen.

[Moloko]

@Breez-RO
Thanks - yes I had some space, I walked away from the argument. My mistake was engaging in the argument in the first place...rookie mistake😂
Have been doing some reading on parenting strong willed teens and its helped.
We also gave her consequences for her actions - no ph after school today for 3 hours and she has to earn it back through possitive behaviour. Also we have said if she is going to challenge us each Sunday night and be disrespectful when its time to put the ph in the kitchen that we will not allow her to have it in her room Fri/Sat. She wasnt too happy this morning and didnt say much at all before heading to school.

[Moloko]

@Ngaio-RO
Do you have to be in Australia to take part in the coaching?

[Ngaio-RO]

Yes @Moloko I'm sorry to say you do need to be in Australia. 

I can see you're pretty close but not quite there

I'm really happy to have a look and see if I can find an equivalent.