11-16-2017 05:09 AM
11-16-2017 11:08 PM
That's so great to hear @Moloko! I'm so happy for you! And thank you so much for sharing what's been helping you guys, it's so beneficial to the community to hear what's working for others.
You're doing such an amazing job. It's not always easy to implement change, but it does pay off doesn't it?
Life with my daughter has changed SO much and I owe it to everything I've learned over the past 5 years. I still get it wrong, 'coz I'm human, and I really appreciate being reminded of the lessons
I hope you're acknowledging yourself the amazing job you're doing!
12-19-2017 06:21 PM
Hey @Moloko, how have things been going with your daughter?
I'm not sure if you received an email from ReachOut but I've just followed up again and unfortunately we can't offer the parent coaching anywhere overseas.
I was given the following link to provide you, which I hope can be of some help to you.
I hope and your family have a lovely Christmas!
01-28-2018 07:59 PM - edited 01-28-2018 08:02 PM
01-28-2018 09:02 PM
Hi @Moloko Thanks so much for updating us!
I am sorry to hear about the arguments still taking place between her and her Dad. It's a really tricky one in regards to dropping academically, well done on having a high level of empathy and being able to see it from her lens. This is one of those really tough decisions we have to make on behalf of our adolescent's. It's the sort of decision that when she is 25 years old she will thank you for.
For empowering her as a young woman to go the challenging route, but the more rewarding one. Sticking to her level of intellectual intelligence and not compromising it for a social life. At this point I am keen to hear what other parents think.
Out of interest - have Dad and Daughter gone to counselling together before?
01-29-2018 01:08 AM
Hey @Moloko, it's lovely to see you back! I'm sorry to hear you've had hassles logging in. If you have any problems in the future, send ReachOut an email (there's a link in the community guidelines), so they can see if they can help.
Things overall sound really good with your daughter, although I can imagine your husband feels the sting with his relationship with her still being tough. I like @Breez-RO's question about counselling, and it came to my mind as well. Do you think that's something your husband might be interested in doing if he hasn't already? It's so hard for you being in the middle too. You must feel a huge load on your shoulders.
I would've made the same choices as you regarding your daughter's schooling. I'm with you, she must be nervous and anxious and that's totally understandable. She will make new friends in her classes though, and as @Breez-RO said, she'll thank you for not letting her compromise her education. I'm sure you've explained your reasoning to her, so maybe now you could support her in finding some breathing techniques she can use to help manage her nerves?
My daughter's starting tafe this year, and while excited, she's also really nervous, so we've talked about her nerves and how they're just a reaction to something unknown. My daughter's come to know the physical signs of her anxiety which really helps her catch it early.
It's difficult letting them go when they get to that age where friends are priority isn't it?! My daughter's the same. She rarely does anything with me, and only sees the extended family for celebrations. I know she'll come back around and I'm looking forward to that day!
01-30-2018 05:19 AM - edited 01-30-2018 05:29 AM
01-30-2018 10:27 PM
I think you are so very right about listening, really listening, to your daughter. It seems that you are treating her with love and respect, allowing her to have opinions even if you disagree with them.
To me the whole thing revolves around unconditional love for your daughter. Not an easy thing, trust me! As you offer her this love expect it to be tested a few times. In my experience when your child gets the idea that you really mean it when you say that you love them without limit they are empowered to get on with life confidently.I guess that's because they know that they have a backstop.
Keep up your good work and think on things that you are doing which are working. Be satisfied with small moves in the right direction.
02-01-2018 11:42 AM
02-01-2018 01:22 PM - edited 02-01-2018 01:24 PM
Oh @Moloko, my heart goes out to you, I really can imagine how you are feeling and how upset and worried you must be. My daughter is to start tafe next week after 2 years at home, and although she's excited, I'm terrified something's going to go wrong.
My first thought was - don't panic - SO much easier said than done!! Day one has to be the hardest, and if she'll continue attending I'd try and talk through her immediate reaction which is to want to be in a comfortable space with her friends. Her reaction is perfectly normal and understandable when we can see it from her point of view. How agreeable do you think she would be to sticking with it for say a month, and then reassessing how she feels then?
I hear what you're saying about her social well being - it's definitely important too. I just hope that she can stick it out for a bit and see how things pan out before she makes any drastic changes.
Have you had an experience in your life where you've wanted to make changes because the new seemed really daunting? If you have, that might be a helpful conversation to have with your daughter. Sometimes really awesome things come from the things we find the most challenging if we can work through our fears and uncertainties.
I really understand your worry about things going backwards. I think it's so normal after we've seen our kids grow after really tough times. One thing I try to keep in mind is that a step backwards is okay - it doesn't mean we go back to the deep depths we've been stuck in before. It may mean a few tweaks, or we need extra support for a bit, but things actually haven't ever gone back to the way they were. I try to remind myself of the hard work my daughter's put in, and the real growth she's had - that is always still there if that makes sense? I don't believe it's possible to go too far backwards when we have learned so much about ourselves? It's what I tell myself about my daughter anyway!
If the bottom line is that she does move classes to be with her friends, it's not the end of the world. Her social circle will grow as she settles in and there's always time and opportunity for her to move back up at a later date. And honestly, being so intelligent she is likely to find the work too easy and boring, and may choose to make that move herself once she's feeling more confident.
You're doing an awesome job and she's so lucky to have you as her mum. Look after yourself too. Have a cry, do something caring for yourself. Hugs to you
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