Having struggles with my 13yr old daughter

[Beingme2017]

@Moloko hope you had a good weekend

Your kids are very similar age gap to mine interestingly. Mine are 2 years and 10   mths.

My daughter used to love bossing her brother around and at times still does which of course he hates. He doesn't need two mothers! At 13 he thinks he doesn't need one haha

[Moloko]

Hi guys. Just thought I would give you an update on how things have been going with my daughter.
On a whole things are going pretty well. Things are going well at school and she seems really happy there and exploring lots of new friendships and learning how to deal with the ones that werent quite what she thought they were.
At home things are still up and down....we have a lot of great days but when shes in a mood we all suffer. The attitude has grown a bit and sometimes it really is not nice to see in your child...I find myself asking myself where did I go wrong? And feel completely helpless in ways to manage such a strong willed child and how she speaks to us sometimes. She has to always have the last word and thinks shes always right and fires back with such sarcasim. I do feel lost and defeated some days and overwhelmed and other days she is amazing and helpful and lovely...so confusing. She is spending a lot of time in her room and watching movies and on her ph which we dont like too much but apparently thats normal?
No evidence of any self harm again which is a relief. She is drawing and painting a lot which I think helps.
My biggest problem these days is still the rude backchat. Drives me insane and im not quite sure how to tackle this. When we argue we do always apologise and hug after but its the arguments that are really upsetting. Would love some advice on how to deal with this with a very strong willed child.
She is still pushing the ph boundary but we still make her put it in the kitchen at night...she still pushes back on this but we arent moving on it. She has changed her password on her ph and deleted us off her instagram and snapchat which is frustrating as she has broken her agreements with us on that front....her excuse was she wants privacy and we shouldnt be allowed to read her private messages. Her phs going to break down soon.. its already started to so we have said we are not buying her a new one because she has broken her agreement with us with the current ph. That is not going to go down well but I cant think of any other way to get round this.
Her friendships are going well....she has very strong friendships with girls she has grown up with but they are all at different schools but we try and get them together as much as possible. New friends are another story...she wont invite any of them around to meet us...she keeps all of her new friends very private and separate...I struggle with this a bit but she is not allowed to hang out with kids we havent met.
On a whole things are pretty ok....I do struggle with what to do some days esp when she pushes back....boarding school is looking like a great option some days😂 but I would miss her too much.

[Ngaio-RO]

Hey @Moloko Thanks for the update. You're doing an amazing job! It's so great to hear that things have improved for you both.

Have you ever heard the term 'progress, not perfection'? I don't know its source but it gets around. The idea is that we strive for things to improve rather than be perfect. 

The reason I'm mentioning it is, I know that often in my parenting I can get sidetracked with wanting everything to be perfect. So my teenager and I will move through some major issue and then I want her to stop being rude when she's tired or to remember to text me straight after school or whatever. And two things can happen as a result, first I don't take time to enjoy and acknowledge the massive effort we've just made and second, my daughter feels like I'm never going to be happy with her.

It doesn't mean that what my daughter is doing is ok or that I'm overreacting, it's more about me remembering that it's ok to have times between 'work' where everyone can just relax a bit.

Does that make sense?

[Moloko]

@Ngaio-RO
Thanks for that and you are so right.

We are having another one of those days and im just exhausted and at a loss in how to move forward.

Big argument last night between our daughter and us. She had a friend stay over who isnt allowed ph in her room so we said that had to apply here for both of them....she kicked off big time and was incredibly rude, arogant and aggressive. Resulted in her losing her ph until morning and wifi off.
She apologised this morning and did everything we asked to earn it back. Once she got it back and I tried to have a conversation about the way she talks to us and other people needs to change...she again became argogant, shouty and pushed back by wanting/demanding to go to the mall by herself which I said no to...with friends yes or one of us could take her....she pushed back even harder and threatened to leave...got to the front door and turned back and went to her room.

How do I handle this?...Im just so tired of the fighting and push back on every boundary we try and set. We fight, we apoligise, we talk but nothing seems to change in the way she is behaving. She taked no ownership in her behaviour...its either my fault for trying to talk to her or hormones or someone elses fault. Im really over it. She can also be the most loving and amazing girl which I love but as soon as something doesnt go her way she picks a fight...we are trying not to engage but its so hard. I want to go see a family therapist but she refuses.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

[taokat]

Hi @Moloko, I'm sorry to hear you've had one of those bad days. I really love what @Ngaio-RO said, as it is something I realise I do - after the apology and talk, I then expect my daughter to NEVER do it again or say what she's said again. Then I feel really upset when there is a glitch. When I can ride with it, let the words bypass the heart, I find it much easier to cope.

Having said that, it's much harder to do, especially when our batteries already need charging. I've been finding it hard lately too with the back chat and attitude. I think you're doing the right thing in standing firm with your consequences. They do get pushed as our kids are testing the strength of the boundaries - particularly when they're strong willed kids. 

I'd suggest still seing a family counsellor, even if your daughter won't go. You and your partner could still benefit hugely. I had help on my own when my daughter refused to see anyone, and I honestly feel it was the best thing I've done. Have you looked at the Parent Coaching through ReachOut? 

You're doing an awesome job. It's so exhausting and emotionally draining, and it's normal to feel so overwhelmed when the breaks between outbursts aren't that far apart. 

[Moloko]

@taokat
Thank you for your reply...its just what I needed to hear.
I reread some of the great comments and advice on this page and took a breath and applied a few...went in to see my daughter..apologised for our fight and asked for a hug and said hey how about we compromise and we did and had nice rest of the weekend. My daughter is like a volcano...explodes and then calms right down. I need to not fuel that and like you said recognise how far we have come in the last 4 months and she is still incredibly hurt and angry at the girls from her old school. I am trying to help her as best i can move past it but they did a lot of damage which breaks my heart.
She is surrounding herself with good people though...good friends thst are loyal and support each other. She has a good understanding of what a good friend is and what a good friend isnt and weeds out the b....y backstabber types. She loves being actually able to choose her friends.
I would love to do the coaching but unfortunately I am not in Aus and I dont think there is any way round that??
Its just nice to know other parents are in the same boat.
Hope you are doing well

[taokat]

Hey @Moloko, I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner! 

That's fantastic that you were able to use some of the tips here. And what a great result with your daughter - compromise is so underrated! haha

Hurt takes time to get over and my daughter still gets upset over friendship issues that happened years ago. Getting to a point of being able to read the signs and walk away is huge! Acknowledging the growth kinda helps me deal when I'm thinking things are backtracking. It helps me keep things in perspective. My daughter's explosive too - and on the flip side her good moods are high energy too. It can be hard to not react to the explosion, and the less we have in our own tank adds to that difficulty I've found.

I think being o/s would make it difficult for the coaching as you speak with the coach over the phone. I know we've talked early on and I did know you were o/s, but it slipped my mind. I do apologise. 

It's been a week or so now. How have things been with your daughter?

[Moloko]

@taokat
Our daughters sound so similar! My daughter is so amazing and loving when she is in a great mood too.

The week has actually been really great. No arguments...lots of talking about random things and lots of hugs and laughing...a really great week. All of us staying calm and talking rather than yelling and like you say knowing when to walk away. I am learning to trust that she is making the right decisions and giving her more independence that she is craving.

Just out of curiosity would the coaching work over skype or facebook messenger calling? I would really live to do it if there were any way possible.

[taokat]

They do sound very similar @Moloko! And I'm stoked to hear you've had such a good week, that's awesome!

Knowing how beautiful they are as individuals makes me think how unhappy they must be in themselves at times they explode the way they do at times. Seeing the difference it makes staying calm, listening to them, and showing we appreciate who they are I think does so much for their feeling and sense of self.

Your daughter's so lucky to have a such a fantastic mum. I hope you take the time to give yourself a pat on the back.

I'll find out about the coaching for you. I don't think they've done it for anyone o/s before but I'll certainly ask and get back to you 

[taokat]

Hey @Moloko, I wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten about you! We're just waiting to hear back re the coaching.

How have things been?