Hello FarGoneConl,
I have a boy / girl set of twins just about to turn 16. My son has Asperger's while my daughter has not. I can not tell you how many times I am accused of favoring or allowing certain behaviors. I tell you this so you know you are not alone xx
My daughter has recently gotten a job and is enjoying the benefits of part time work - money and a fuller social life!. As she has shown this step of maturity and commitment, she has unlocked the door to further freedoms that come with 'growing up'.
Our son on the other hand has not, and when we speak to our son about getting a part time job and doing more than playing x-box in his bedroom, he too like your son will lash out and bring on an all in war until his father and I drop the subject. It is so very difficult. It's hard to know what is the Asperger's and what is just bad behavior. Welcome to life on the spectrum!!!
From my experience, we have found honesty to be very effective. For example, we have always told our son that he will most likely have to work harder than most to fit into this world, and that the world will make no allowances for him. And that first steps will be a bit scary (as he does not have the ability to 'imagine' how things might be). But his father and I will always be his biggest supporter cheering him on all the way.
So, now we are trying to help / coax him into getting a part time job. We have pointed out the obvious benefits, not only money, but learning new skills, meeting new people (although this is confronting) as well as a sense of achievement he will feel. We have started to roll back how much money the twins receive from us and have told them at 16 we will no longer pay for outings with their mates as this is what we 'all' work for. We will continue to pay for the necessities, but they will need to pay for their wants. We are hoping that if nothing else, necessity will force his hand.
It is a possibility that you could set a date with your older son when your financial support will be sized down? You could still support the necessary, but no longer give him money for socializing, dinners out, etc ?
With your younger son, maybe take him out for dinner and have a frank and honest conversation, letting him ask questions, share his feelings and no doubt make accusations on how he feels you parent the boys differently.
I have done this with my son who was having issues with how he thought our parenting was inconsistent between him and his sister. We allowed a respectful, but no holds barred conversation to take place so he could tell us exactly what he thought. We answered his questions, explained that sometimes we do have to parent them differently due to them being different people, with different personalities. But also, sometimes we were just going to disagree on some issues. When he is a parent he can make different decisions if he so wishes. All parents do the best they can with the information and knowledge they have at the time.
While this is a simplistic action, I believe it made our son feel respected and heard. Even if he didn't like or agree with some of our answers.
I don't know if what I have shared has helped and I genuinely hope it has, but I wish you all the best. Honesty and tough love are sometimes the hardest parenting we do and it can feel very confronting, but in the long run I think it is worth it.
Good Luck!
