I have tried to write this so many times

[LovingThruBlue]

My daughter is 14 mths post breakdown & subsequent diagnosis of Severe depression & OCD.

Got to a better place & had a good couple of mths recently.

Requests from the start of the year to change school had resurfaced (she had settled back in to school before that & was happy) but I am extremely concerned about her changing at the start of HSC - losing Great subjects she has managed to get for next year & very supportive friends she has around her at her current school. But the issue has perhaps contributed to her getting to a bad place.

She messed up her arm in the toilet at school last week (never to die - but to cause pain).

Then on Monday she called me from school about 230. Her teacher had let her step out of class. She was begging me to let her change schools saying that the kids are in her business.

They're probably wanting to talk to her about what's up & she doesn't want to talk to anyone.

She wouldn't let me pick her up and had to go back in to class so she wouldn't get in trouble (I called her case worker who trying to get her into a cancellation with the psychiatrist tomorrow).

She was found later in the loo by a friend. She was in a crying mess (she rarely cries) and her brother had just come out of exam so this girl found him & he brought her home.

I tried to talk to her when I got home from work but that was hopeless & she ran away to a friends house for a couple of hours. I am beyond overwhelmed by all of this. I can't think straight.

And I'm concerned for my son as well.

So I texted her whilst she was at her friends house & said that this going on is not fair on him trying to concentrate on his exams so for 2 weeks we are not discussing is & she is not going to school because I am concerned for her safety there.

I was also biding time hoping I'll find some clarity somewhere in my head.

She has started to prep for school each day & I've said no each time. "You're not going to school". 

[Lily17]

Is there any perfection to writing what we are so distressed about. I too, have tried to perfect so everyone else gets it but they do anyway.

I hope you are crying! And at least you have written and released some of your distress.

The trauma of both of your kids is enormous but a high light I saw in your writing was that she went to a friends place. Friends offer exactly what we can't and as a parent sometimes I feel useless but accept that at this age I need to step back and let them have some control over what they are going through. Wise perhaps but it makes me feel otherwise. I have read many of your posts so honest so much support for the rest of us so much wisdom. It comes and it goes but we advocate and try not to look back but be positive about what we have achieved by listening and supporting our kids. Clarity hides - endlessly, but getting it out helps to ease things just a little at a time and gives hope when we think we can't cope another minute. These curve balls I don't think they ever stop. I guess I have tried to make this more about you at the end of the day your mental health far outweighs our kids. If we can't cope by reaching out and getting help then we can't give what others need - we mums are just so bad for ourselves!! Breathe, breathe and cry you can get through this too.

[Ngaio-RO]

Oh @LovingThruBlue My heart goes out to you and your two. You guys have done it tough for so long.

You all deserve a break!

I think your idea is a great one.  I always feel like life is that variety show act you see sometimes where the guy spins plates on the top of sticks. The way they keep them up is they watch for which is wobbling and threatening to fall and they spin that one. they can't spin them all at the same time so they just deal with the one that's about to crash.

So right now your son is the wobbly plate and needs a spin. Then when he's sorted it's yours and then your daughter's turn.

Does that make sense?

@Lily17 Amazing as usual!! Will you write a book please? I'll buy a bunch of copies.

[LovingThruBlue]

Thank you both @Ngaio-RO & @Lily17 <3  

Looks like a hospital admission because I can't come up with a good enough reason not to Her case worker says that whatever is going on inside of her head is terrifying her and either she needs to talk or change meds - something has to give. She agreed that I not send her to school. That I need to watch her.

I can't quite believe we're back here again 😢 She was in an inpatient facility last Nov/Dec

[taokat]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this again @LovingThruBlue. It can feel even harder after having a good run hey. 

I haven't got anything more to add, but just wanted to show my support. I hope your family finds some peace again soon.

[LovingThruBlue]

I think that's why it's hit so hard @taokat. We had a good run with only smaller bumps. This is so hard. Thanks you for sharing understanding. That helps x

[Breez-RO]

How are you feeling tonight @LovingThruBlue?

[LovingThruBlue]

Tired, overwhelmed, confused, sad @Breez-RO 

I'm expected to make decisions that are best for my 16 year old without knowing what's going on in her poor, beautiful little head. Heartbreaking  

And some decisions I'm making are upsetting her even more because she is 16 - and all that comes with that regardless of her poor mental health

[Breez-RO]

I am touched @LovingThruBlue at how engaged and empathetic you are towards your child. It's truly a beautiful thing, but also no doubt such a painful thing when you are so connected to her emotional needs.

How has your sleep pattern been? It's really easy to neglect our own needs during these times so just wanted to make sure your own well-being is also being touched on.

[LovingThruBlue]

Thanks so much @Breez-RO. I'm trying hard to also look after myself but to be truly honest I work full time & am a single parent with 1 child living independently, 1 doing HSC exams & 1 currently in the grip of severe Mental illness ... so I'm struggling a little. I am also on the end of a terrible flu which I've had for 2 1/2 weeks & although I'm now down to a residual cough & snuffle, it has left me super tired. So at night I fall asleep easily and all is well if nothing wakes me during the night - if I'm woken even slightly my brain switches ON and takes off