My 17 year old son, his anger, his blame and me

[Lue17]

Hello,  I am new to this board. 

My 17 year old son is my fourth and last child.  He was a quiet, introverted loving son until the age of 15. We were very close.  In the course of a few months, we noticed his mounting moods and we thought that, like the other kids, he was testing our limits like a normal teenager.  It got worse and worse.

He mostly doesn't speak much and will avoid us as much as possible.  When he does speak, he mumbles and it is clear that he is addressing us because he has to.  I have tried everything to reach him, trust me.  He even went to see 3 social workers but had an negative things to say about each of them and quit.  I have tried to set limits saying that certain things were unacceptable but the only thing that did was to make him even more angry and distant.  

I have also tried to love him more being even more gentle in my way of addressing him but soon realized that I was always choosing my words and constantly afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing to make him mad.  I wasn't being myself.

He is ANGRY.  He is full of rage and blames everything on everyone else.  He blames me and his dad for everything under the sky.  We are bad parents according to him.  Sometimes he says hurtful things like "a good mother should...".

I have tried everything including giving him space thinking that the adolescent rage would eventually pass but I am at my very limit.  I am sick of being blamed and unloved by my son.  I know he is suffering but so am I.  

Sorry about the rambling, I am just typing and crying at the same time, probably not making much sense.  I am a good mom and I love my kids so much.  Having one hate me is so painful.  I just wish someone could tell me what to do to make it better.

[Lan-RO]

Hi @Lue17 welcome to ReachOut, thank you for sharing and reaching out to us. It no doubt has been a very difficult time for you and I can see that you love your son very much. It's really hard when we try our best but  get blamed for everything that goes wrong. You mentioned that he has been a quiet and introverted loving son until the age of 15, may I ask if anything significant has happened leading up to that time in terms of events? I'm sorry to hear that seeing social workers has not been helpful. I'm wondering if you have tried any counselling support or chatting with a psychologist? Just to let you know also the resources and links on ReachOut provide information to local services within Australia. I can see that you are based overseas so it would be worth looking at local supports within your area. I'm also wondering how you are looking after yourself during this difficult time? It's important to practice some self-care. We are hear to listen and support you. I'll tag some of our members for further support and advice @taokat @sunflowermom @hippychick @Caz01

[Tulip]

Hi @Lue17 welcome to the forum. You sound like a patient and loving mum. As a mum of 2 sons and a daughter I can say that it is common for boys not to talk much, acknowledge us with a grunt and spend time in their rooms. I would try to encourage him to speak to a psychologist there might be something bothering him or it could be hormones and him trying to find his way in the world ,15 to 20 can be a difficult time for many teenagers . On top of school there are changing relationships with friends, girls and trying to fit in. Try to step back a bit and look after yourself more and things might look a littler clearer once everyone is calm. Take care x

[seekwisdom]

I am sorry that your son is not reciprocating the love you are giving him. My 16-17yo son does that to me and his father also. Its pure nonsense that comes out of his mouth and I told him that his accusations that I am a bad parent got so often that I don’t care anymore. In my case, I am certain its just that he is sad bc of a friend that is sick and he has angry at someone. We are the closest and he knows he is loved even when he is hard to take.

Sometimes kids think its our job to make them happy? I am starting to think that they do expect that from us and when we can’t deliver happines, they get angry. I told my son that grown ups hurt, to experience unhappiness is part of life. I can listen, I can try to help, but I can’t fix everything and some pain and frustration is part of his story now. 

[Tulip]

Very well said @seekwisdom we can't make our kids or anyone else except ourselves happy. Although we do our best to try to help them it's very much an inside job. As harsh as this sounds I'm sick of trying to please people especially my daughter I'm just going to not try so much anymore hopefully she will respect me more then?

[Sallyanne]

Hi and welcome xxx I'm new too. I recently posted about my teenage son taking drugs. It all came to a head and I've realised that I was quite happy to leave him in his pigsty of a room! He was quiet!!!! 

I have made made him take part in daily activities, prepare a meal, wash dishes, bring laundry and iron his school uniform for tomorrow! I have spoken to him more today than in a whole year!!!

sometimes we leave them to be babysat by devices when really we should be engaging to help them grow into strong independent individuals.

parenting is certainly a learning curve!!!! I am forever great full to the lovely parents that have given me advice! Hold on in there you are doing an awesome job xx

[mariajanes]

You should ask him to spend time in some hard activities like Football, Cricket or Gym. It is one of the best thing that you can do improve behaviour of your son. If you can give rewards to your son on completion of some task, then it will encourage him to improve himself.

[Charlie]

I am having the same problems he is never in the wrong he won't get help from anyone and I can't win it drags me down so much