My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @noteasyteen,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with your teen, it sounds like you have both been through a lot the last few years  Your commitment to ensuring your son's wellbeing is really admirable. I can hear how much you want the best for your son and to see him through the teen years so that he can flourish as an adult. 

Managing difficult behaviours with teens can be tough, I'm wondering what your support system is like- do you have people you can speak to and lean on when you need to?

[Keyanna02]

She won't go to school and is starting to skip. Won't listen is there some where I can scare her into going to school

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Keyanna02, sorry to hear that you are experiencing this situation. How have you been dealing with it so far? Have you spoken to the school about how to encourage your daughter to attend school? Has any strategy you have tried worked in the past? Are there any particular reasons as to why she does not want to go? I hope this helps! 

[LostInUtah]

How are things going?  Have you found anything to be helpful? 

I am in the same place.

My 15 yo has been in and out of inpatient and day treatment this year.  We have spent thousands of dollars on therapy.  Your message describes her current behavior almost exactly, but mine also takes off day or night and doesn't tell me where or with whom.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you.

[sunflowermom]

Hi @LostInUtah

I wish I could offer some help.  I am in the same boat.  My daughter has been in and out of hospitals all year.  She even went to a long term residential with a horrible ending of her running away with an older man to escape.  I do finally have her back just this week.  Things I am doing differently to keep her at home and in Intensive Outpatient therapy are:

I let her have a say and  voice in things: school, outings, medication and therapy.

I installed cameras and alarms in my home for peace of mind

I have a tracker on her phone rules to go out she must keep her phone on at all times and respond

I am being honest with her about my fears and she can talk to me about anything without fear of punishment right now.  

There is no manual how to help our kids.  Some people say tough love is the answer and I have tried that approach too.  I'll keep adjusting until things smooth out a bit.  We are all just doing our best and hanging in there until they reach adulthood.  Maybe one day they will remember how much we love them and how we tried to instill love and values in them.

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @LostInUtah, thanks for sharing your experience. If you haven't already, you are always welcome to make your own thread to discuss your experience too. Your current situation sounds difficult to manage. Has any benefit come from the therapy so far?

A wealth of experience @sunflowermom, thanks again for being so active on the forums and sharing your insight. A lot of things you write are so valuable and often beautiful to read. I think you are doing an amazing job!

[DadHelp]

Just found this old post, but it sounds just like my 14 (almost 15) year old daughter. She seems to have changed completely this year going into high school - although my wife and I recognize she's been very much a handful all her life. At this point, she has not been diagnosed with any conditions and doesn't appear to be experimenting with drugs or alcohol. What she does do is ... nothing. Nothing when asked, given choices, or ultimatums. Both positive or negative reinforcement don't seem to work. We've taken her phone at times, and also removed her bedroom door so we can at least go in her room without a fight/locked door when she spends time there. She is struggling with school (at least not getting all A's like she's always done), is in the school marching band, and dances 3 nights a week. She has groups of friends, and recently had some over to watch movies. That night she was her normal self and was excited. Most times unfortunately she'll scream over anything that doesn't go her own way, of course hates us, and says we ruin her life. We've tried to talk to her, and she just won't say anything. Threatens to not go to school (she has missed some), refused to go to a counseling session (the first one we scheduled last week), and is just miserable. It seems any response from my wife or I to her ends in an argument. The only way to deal with her is apparently to leave her alone, which kills me inside and I know this isn't the answer ... running out of ideas and patience. I really don't want to admit her anywhere but don't know what to do. How do I balance being a parent, and not driving her completely away or down a bad path? 

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @DadHelp,

Welcome to ReachOut- we are glad you you have found us and hope that you can find support and understanding among our community here.

Your family is going through a lot right now and I can see from your post that you have been trying so many different approaches to support your daughter. In the way that you have described the support you have been offering your daughter, I can see how much love you have for her and can imagine it must be so hard for yourself and your wife when your daughter has been refusing that support. 

There are a lot of experiences shared in this thread by many different parents, has there been anything that has stood out to you reading other's experiences?

I can hear that right now you are feeling pretty stuck between wanting to support your daughter, and her not wanting to take on you support, is this correct? That is such a tough space to be in, and is one I know so many of parents here can relate to. You are not alone in feeling this way.

I'm going to tag a few parents here who might be able to offer some support from their perspectives @Roundell12 @sunflowermom @LostInUtah @noteasyteen @Mumsa @Jonty 

[Orbit64]

Hi @sunflowermom

Keep up up the great work. You have some great strategies there. I hope you get some traction with some of them. 

Our son has not lived with us for almost six months now. Part of the emotional response is relief at not being subjected to the daily torrent of hatred and abuse that came without apparent reason or cause. The other part is just as strong, the deep sorrow and feeling of loss that cuts into my being on a daily basis. Some days better and some days worse. 

I keep trying strategies that may help him. It was his 16th birthday last month. We were able to send some presents, get him some cards and make sure he had a good night. The most difficult part was we were not there to be part of that. He did actually thank us. 

Despite the intermittent vitriol directed at me via text from my son, whenever I can I let him know that despite him always refusing any help I offer, just because I have stopped offering does not mean I will not help him if he needs it. I tell him he will just have to ask and explain why he needs it. 

Well, last week he asked me to book an appointment with our GP. I attended the GP in advance and tried my best in 20 minutes to cover all the key events that had occurred in the last torrid two years. My son has asked the GP for a referral to a psychiatrist.

It is the first time he appears to be taking a little responsibility in doing something about his situation. I say that intentionally, because throughtout this I have carefully explained where I thought his behaviour was leading. So far, and regrettably I have been correct. 

I hope that that this is one small step of many in the right direction of him. 

[Orbit64]

Hi @DadHelp,

As you will see, this post is a live and kicking. There are several of us that have a common story that is heartbreaking and perplexing. 

There does not seem to be any specific event that started all this with our loved child. I can say that in hindsight, our son had been using marijuana much earlier and heavier that we ever realised. I would say that if anything, this appears to have been the biggest single contributor only coming second to the flood of teenage hormones. 

A few ideas that have helped me:

look after yourself and the rest of your family.

do things to keep you functioning, hobbies, exercise, something new

I suggest an open and direct discussion with you boss or whomever you work closely with. Tell them factually what you are going though and keep up the best work you can. Keep them informed of key events. I believe most people appreciate it. It will be affecting your work and relationships much more than you are aware. Telling people and being honest about the s...t you are going through can be liberating, and will help your colleagues help you. 

Keep a sense of humour, though it may be dark on occasion. 

Realise you can only do so much

Just my thoughts.