My son is saying inappropriate things to me

[Nabertater]

I was randomly cleaning my daughters hamster cage and putting it on her shelf. My 15 year old son was standing behind me and asked “can you jerk me off?” I didnt know what to do so I told him to get away from me and stay in his room because I didnt want to see him for the night.
Im disgusted, and horrified that he thought that was ok.

[Maddy-RO]

Hi @Nabertater 

I'm very sorry to hear that you experienced that. It sounds like a very uncomfortable situation. If you don't mind me asking, are you his mother or his father? How did he react to you telling him to stay in his room?

[Nabertater]

Im his mother. He just walked in gis toom saying he was so sorry and why am I so mad.

[Nabertater]

Im his mother. Hr just walked to his toom saying he was so sorry and asking why Im so mad

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Nabertater 

Thanks for getting back to us, so sorry you are going through this, it must be a distressing time for you, I wanted to check in on how you're feeling today?

I can imagine this was really shocking and confronting to hear, when he asked why you were mad was there a conversation that followed this? You have every right to be upset about this, hope you're going ok today 

[Nabertater]

At yhe moment I didnt even answer him. I just told him to get away from me and I didnt want to see his face right now. I called a mental health crisis line and they said its confusing for some kids because they are told to do those things with someone they trust and he trusts me. I should go talk to him and explain thats not something we do. I did because I was worried he might hurt himself.
He cried and cried and said hr cant believe how stupid he is and he doesnt know why he would say something so creepy.

[Nabertater]

I told him hes not going to be left alone with his 9 year old sister and ge freaked out and cant believe I would think he would do something to a little girl.
I dont know if I should be worried about that.

[Janine-RO]

Hi @Nabertater , 

It sounds like it's been a really hard week for both you and your son, I can imagine this would be a really upsetting situation to have to deal with.  It sounds like your son's feeling very upset and embarrassed about what he said, and I am sure that would have been a really difficult conversation for you to have with him.  We have some materials here that might have some helpful ideas on how to have broader discussions with him about consent , and I think it's OK for you to let him know how what he said made you feel.

Another thing that may be worth considering, is if what he's said to you may have come from something that he has seen while watching pornographic material- it can be an awkward conversation to have, but research shows that it is common for young people to have been exposed to porn online. While it can be a way for young people to explore their sexuality it can also be important to realise that some scenarios that you see in porn aren't reflective of real life, real relationships, and the way that consent should work in healthy sexual relationships. This article has some great ideas for talking to young people about pornography 

It may be helpful to chat to a counsellor about what you've been experiencing - we are based in Australia so unfortunately our local services won't be available to you, but I did come across this organisation who provide phone and web based support services that might be helpful? (They happen to have a very similar name to our organisation but we're not affiliated! ) 

How are you feeling today? 

[Nabertater]

You dont know how much you have helped me!
Thank tou so much for the kind words and knowledge. ❤️
Im doing ok, Im trying to not make a big deal out of it, but I dont even want to touch him at all now. Makes my stomach turn.
Im trying to see it as he didnt know its wrong, but he does.
Maybe he watches porn at night, Im going to be turning off the wifi and taking it to bed with me.
Iv told him not to ever touch his sister not even to play, that hit him hard I could see it in his stunned face. But I just dont know how much I can trust him now.

[Taylor-RO]

You are most welcome @Nabertater. Understandably, what happened would be a really difficult situation for any parent to navigate. It sounds like you are struggling with how this has made you feel which must be so challenging. Sometimes it can be hard to put your reactions aside when being caught off guard. It was great that you were able to chat with your son - it sounds like the chat went well and he now understands that what he said was inappropriate. Please find some ways to take care of yourself, these moments can really drain you.