Not sure what to do - Daughters past self harming

[Moonlight]

The main bad behaviour is the typical teenage attitudes.. refusal to help around the house, horrible towards her younger siblings.. nothing totally unexpected from a 13 year old..

However.. its seems this whole situation has opened a can of worms.. its almost like pulling a thread and the whole thing is unraveling? I walked into her room this morning to wake her up so we could get ready for santa photos... and all I could smell was cigarette smoke.. and well i'm ashamed to admit it but I totally lost the plot. Her father smokes (my ex) and she is always getting upset at the fact he doesn't stop.. but yet here she was doing it herself.

Then as that string was pulled... she confessed to also shoplifting

How on earth did all this happen? 

I called her dad and step mother and just told them everything that has been going on.. even though she asked me to not say anything.. and I even appologised to her for breaking her trust, but I couldn't keep doing this on my own anymore.

After talking to him and her step mother on the phone... I then sat her down, with her older brother, step dad and me... and I guess you could say we had an intervention of sorts? no yelling.. just a chance for all of us to say how much we do love her.. and yes while her choices disappoint us.. those choices do not represent her.

She just really lost right now.. apparently shes been seeing a school counselor... but she doesn't like her.

I've spoken to her best friends mum and let her know whats going on and shes being a great support too.

I just wish she didnt feel so alone or not normal... I guess I just have to keep reassuring her and hope that one day she believes me

[Moonlight]

and it just gets worse... just when I think we've gotten to the bottom of it. It turns out a photo of her was posted on the local police FB page... wanted for break and enter.

How do I get help for me... struggling to stay strong for her

[waldo_pepper]

Moonlight,
I think you're very much on the right track, informing her dad and then sitting down with the household to discuss things in a sensible fashion. Well done for no yelling!
Finger pointing, raised voices, accusations are all very negative here and we can see that you know it. What I suggest is try, as much as possible, to stick to "I" messages - I don't understand... I don't know what... I'm confused by... - and avoid "you" messages - you did... you should... you should not... - and I think your daughter will appreciate it.
You last sentence is spot on, keep up the unconditional love and acceptance so that home is her haven, her refuge. Oh yes, expect your love to be tested a few times while she finds out if you're "real" about it.

[Jakehelp]

I can feel your pain and desperation. My daughter has absolutely reached her “bottom” regarding her 13 yo son. The last year has been an absolute nightmare & I feel so helpless. Self-harm, refusal to go to school, anxiety, violent outbursts. No crimes but I can feel it coming. All available resources haven’t helped

[Breez-RO]

Hey @Jakehelp thanks for posting on the forums. Are you saying your Daughter's 13 y/o son is self harming etc? I am sorry to hear this. How long has this been happening for?

I edited your post due to a term around self-harm. Due to our community guidelines, we need to be mindful of specific methods in case it brings up heavy stuff for other forum members.

[Jakehelp]

Yes. The original problem was his anxiety that caused him to shut down when time for school. We put him in group therapy where kids shared stories about how self harm made them “feel” & I think that’s why he tried it. That was about 4 months ago. He stopped about 10 days ago, then did it again today. At a loss. BTW, I’m in USA. Didn’t notice it was Australia until I Registered :-)

[sunflowermom]

I'm sending you prayers for strength,,,,just one day at a time. I pray a lot although, sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered just yet.  Hang in there- you are not alone in this.

[sunflowermom]

I am in the same boat with my daughter- although right now she is in a residential care treatment, when she is home she self harms every few days. I know this is a coping mechanism,,,I guess like drinking or drugs are for others. My daughter and her therapist has assured me this is her way releasing anxiety- not a suicide attempt. Still sooo scary and I too feel helpless. ( I am in the US too just registered here and love this forum- its helping me lots since I am in a crisis right now.

[Jakehelp]

Thank you. Just knowing there are others who understand and care, brings comfort (& tears). Good luck to you and yours

[Breez-RO]

You're both very welcome on these forums despite not being in Aus There's always self-care ideas, lived experience and more amongst parents here. @Jakehelp @sunflowermom