Respect, Freedom and Boundaries - 17 year old son

[Erin-RO]

Hi @Iqula has anything happened (changes, trauma or transitions) for your 17 year old that might account for the behaviours?

I'm sure some of our members have had similar experiences with their teens. I'll tag a few members for you @Westland  @motherbear @Schooner @taokat

[Schooner]

Hi @MumEJ,

I don't know what language you are using with your son, and it could be he is just extra sensitive. But I've had this battle with my wife about "telling" and "asking". These little words are important. I try really hard to "ask" my son to do things. If he says he is busy right now (even if it looks to me like he is just playing XBOX), I'll negotiate for him to do it after he finishes. I've got him to the stage where sometimes I can say "look mate, I'm sorry but this one has to be done now, then you can get back to ...." and he will usually do it without a fight. On those few occasions when it is urgent I do insist he does it.

It seems to me your son is a man now. He expects to be treated like one. That comes with responsibilities too. Maybe you can tell him that?

Your new partner should treat him like that too. I wouldn't walk into another man's house and try to straighten him out. That is not going to end well. Guys do talk (yeah, seriously). Over a BBQ plate is a good place for a conversation (yeah, seriously). That's where peers talk, but we don't lecture each other. In the car is another good place for a chat. 

Maybe you have a chance for another great connection with your son. He is a man you trust, and you're navigating a relationship with a new man. Is your son a source of ideas about what gift to buy for your partner? Can he help you with questions like "what's this footy team my partner is always talking about" or "what does it mean when he says a RAV4 is not a proper 4 wheel drive?" Guy talk. Let him know his opinion counts.

Good luck EJ

Cheers

[Mumoface]

I could have written this message MumEJ. Also a single Mum, a 16 year old boy and twin 12 year old girls. Ex husband acts the “friend” and I am the only one doing any parenting!! My son has always been respectful, and quite protective and we were very close but seems overnight he is pulling away, testing boundaries and doing NOTHING! He would love me to leave him in his room on screens and to stop “roasting” him (his words). Also has first girlfriend. I too feel quite hurt and saddened by this as it is yet another male in my life I feel I’m losing. I realise too a lot of this is normal teenage behaviour and so someone told me quite common when boys get their first girlfriend as they have to distance themselves from their “first love”. Little bit heartbroken, I feel like I am just constantly nagging! The nagasaurous! Lol!

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Mumoface,

That sounds like a really tough situation when your son is pulling away, even more so when you have both been so close. I do think you are right in saying that is sort of behaviour is really common for young people, however that doesn't make it any less painful for you right now  Have you got any other people in your support network who can support you through this period?