(TW: Violence) Help please 2 teenage girls with complex needs

[Andy002]

Thanks for your response.
I think she had ASD tendencies and some hyperactivity (she never stops- gymnastic movements, trampoline, now she’s made herself an exercise program) but she seems to mask these at school and when being assessed.
She does things like hide in small spaces when emotions are running high. Just recently she put herself in two laundry bags (one at either end of her body), she hides under blankets, inside the broom cupboard, slides under the cushions on the settees. She’s 13 and it doesn’t appear to be typical behaviour. She also struggles to react in a typical way. Yesterday, her older sister touched her on the shoulder as she went past her, she responded by hurting her. A conversation often turns into her screaming at us because she didn’t get the response she wanted. It’s all so unpredictable.

[Tulip]

Hi @Andy002 I agree that sometimes medication doesn't suit everyone I'm trying to go without but I will see how I go. Some churches also give counselling for a small donation . All the best x

[Andy002]

Good luck with your journey too.
I keep telling myself that this will all eventually pass and that I will cope because I love my family with all my heart. X

[Breez-RO]

Hey there @Andy002 it definitely sounds like you could do with some further support. We cannot provide referrals in the UK but could be good to explore your options. There may even be online counselling somewhere local which is more affordable. It's important you have a safe space where you feel supported, especially around the challenges with your Daughter at the moment. I am hearing you really do possess a lot of love for your family which is wonderful, what do you do in the way of self-care?

[taokat]

Hi @Andy002, things sounds really tough for your family at the moment and it's understandable that you're feeling so overwhelmed. I just wanted to let you know that @gina-Ro has updated her previous post with a couple of support numbers for you to help you. (I was just reading through the thread now.)

I'm making use of a mental health care plan at the moment, and have had them in previous years. I'd really suggest taking it up if you'd be entitled to it. The sessions are for counselling and if medication is suggested you can let them know that's not the avenue you wish to go down. I'm not sure what it's like in the UK but here counsellors or psychologists aren't allowed to prescribe medication, so it's okay. 

When my tank is empty, my brain is in a fog and it can be hard to make sense of what's happening, let alone see a way forward. My daughter used to be violent and extremely abusive when she was your daughter's age and younger, and I really feel for you and what you are going through. Your daughter sounds like she's really hurting inside too, and we're often the one's they take their frustrations and confusions out on. Does she see a therapist on a regular basis? Maybe you could have a talk to them and explain the behaviours you see at home. Hearing things from the family's perspective can often be a huge help for counsellors who can also teach us as parents, more effective techniques to bring about different responses from our teens.

Hang in there and let us know how you get on.

[Sallyanne]

Sorry to hear your are having such a hard time! It can be quite exhausting.... one of my go to coping mechanisms is not to feed into their manipulative ways, hard though if they are being violent! Someone once told me that if I was to give you a present that was so awful and revolting you would decline it! Do the same for other peoples anger, hurtful ness and hatred. I apply this by smiling, it's your anger/ frustration, not mine I'm not taking it onboard..... the minute you take on someone else's bad emotions, you feel them too! We are on a "thrive" program in the U.K. And I find it really useful! Do you have this where you are? Take time for yourself too! I'm not sure if your mum I really dad? If your mum how about some aromatherapy massage for her when she is calm. I do this for my little boy with scented talc, it has a real calming effect. I wish you all the best, hope you find some answers xx

[Sister]

Hi @Andy002,

Your family is all going through a very difficult time however.......hang in there because you have begun the very first step by posting a little of your situation. 

"Reaching out" was the first step for me too as I was battling many years of similar behaviours with my son.....and now as a solo parent.

However.......no matter how difficult it may seem to you at the moment, there is hope and help available but from my experience......you need to be pro-active and seek professionals and assistance out. Supports are paramount and you mentioned you don't have a great deal of that, so seek out the professionals who may provide a service either free or with minimal charges. Does your daughter have a school counsellor you could talk to about your daughters behaviours? Do you have a family doctor you could speak with? A community centre with mental health workers at a local hospital?

Access this forum and remember.....be good to yourself.  Meditation has helped me a great deal.....not just practising when a crisis hits, but on a daily basis. I am hoping one day my son may practice too.

[Andy002]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have already spoken to the doctors on many occasions and was sent with my daughter for mental health counselling. She wouldn’t communicate with them so they stop the sessions and no other support was offered. We have done that twice now and then never come up with any strategies other than what we are already doing consistently.
I have mentioned it to her school but because they don’t see these behaviours in school (they have lots of other children with more complex needs within the classroom), and their resources are extremely limited too.
My husband and I have been working really hard on the suggestion that was mad about not letting their anger influence our feelings. I keep saying to myself it’s her anger not mine I don’t have to take It on. That seems to be helping a little with our mental health.
I have even had a conversation this week with the social services department in this country. They wouldn’t offer any support either. It really seems like we have to just cope, it seems like there is no help out there for families who are trying every little thing that they can think of to help. If you are seriously neglecting your children or abusing them in another way then they will help. There is nothing for parents that are abused.
I really appreciate all the time people have taken to respond. It’s nice to know there are people out there care. X

[Andy002]

Hi,
Thanks for your response. I like that concept of the present.
I’ve spoken to several agencies this week and there seems to be no more support we can access.
We are working very hard on not being reactive and walking away, therefore not engaging. Sometimes that helps diffuse the situation, sometimes it seems to make no difference.
Thanks again.

[Helpful_Mum]

Hi @Andy002

It sounds to me like you are doing that best you can to find support for your daughter and your family.  I guess the most important thing is keeping yourselves all ‘safe’.  In a moment of calm, after weeks of teen chaos, I got my teens to decide on their safe space in the house and we have made a decision that all of us will go to our 'safe spaces' when we feel angry or unhappy with someone else’s anger.  Sometimes this works!

Keep up the dog walks, that headspace is valuable!