Throwing it all away

[asjmt]

I know this site is supposed to be for parents of teenagers, but I feel as though my 20 year old is still at that stage even though he is officially an adult.

he is using a lot of marijuana at the moment.  Every day and often more than once a day. He had a place at university overseas but was sent home when he was caught dealing to fellow students.  He says the money was so easy he couldn't turn it down. It impacted on his relationship wth his girlfriend as they could never go anywhere as he was always 'on call' for buyers. His grades slipped and his soccer skills also decreased.

when he told us he had been kicked out of uni, he said he knew we would be disappointed. We welcomed him home and said that everyone makes mistakes, it will be what he learns from the experience that will be the making of him.  At first he was really motivated , got a mental health plan, saw a psych and decided to stop smoking weed.  After two visits he stopped going to the psych, saying he didn't need it any more. It seems that actually he had started smoking again as he had got a job and had some money.  To cut a very long story short, we don't know where to start with helping him get out of the funk he is feeling, get focussed, get a job with more hours or return to study. Our friends say we should kick him out if he keeps smoking, or at least take the car keys off him.  I know and he knows he has mental health issues which need sorting, but he won't commit to sorting them as he thinks that his dope use is not a problem.

any constructive suggestions welcomed.  My family seem to think it is our fault for not having strong enough boundaries

[Lan-RO]

Hi @asjmt welcome to ReachOut and thanks for sharing with us. I can only imagine how upsetting it was for you to find out your son had been dealing to his friends and then getting kicked out of uni. I really admire the way you dealt with your son in terms of welcoming him home and acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes. It's a really compassionate and empathetic way of managing the situation. I can understand that it is hard to see your son go down the path of using marijuana, particularly when he sees his dope use as not the problem. It's great that he took the initial stages of getting a mental health plan and seeing a psychologist. I'm wondering if he has provided any insight as to why he has started smoking or if there may be any underlying issues that he may be struggling with? Is the marijuana use experimental or become a daily habit? I would recommend chatting to eHeadspace they provide free online counselling support and may be able to link you up with local services to better support you with this. I'll also tag some of our members for some further advice @Sister @Schooner @sunflowermom @taokat

[Sister]

Thank you for sharing the story of your sons THC use @asjmt. You seem like such a beautiful, caring parent and that is a credit to you especially going through this tough time.

Firstly, I wouldn't take on board what your family has been saying about the situation being your "fault"....they are not in your shoes and are not making any effort to fully appreciate and understand the dynamics and difficulty of you and your sons plight. Not to mention the strain and stresses it must be placing on your immediate family. So it is NOT YOUR FAULT.....why would you bring this on yourselves??

Setting boundaries are easily said than done. They can be applied to a lot of teenagers but there are allowances for some people. Thats not to say mental health issues need to be an excuse either but its just about getting a balance. Every person is an  individual. This has been my experience.

Your son obviously has had some insight into his mental health and although he stopped receiving treatment, at least he has been receiving assistance in the past. Stay positive and hopeful that he will develop the insight once again.

I think the previous suggestion about accessing headspace is a good one. Also possibly some counselling for yourself to help you to deal with your own feelings around the situation.

Good luck and let us know on the forum how you go. 

[asjmt]

Thanks for your kind words Lan.  It is most definitely a habit now.  Yes there were some things which happened in the states which may have triggered this dependency, and he does have a history of depression.  I will check out the eheadspace resources this week.

[asjmt]

Thanks Sister. It is so nice to hear from people who realise that there are so many shades of grey. I would never have dreamed that I would be 'making excuses' for my son who was doing drugs, if you had asked me four years ago, but now it just seems that nothing is clear cut any more.
I Am feeling more positive about getting me and him some support and helping him to find the right path. X