Cheating girlfriend broke up with teen son twice. What can I do to help?

[Kkay69]

Hello. My 16 yr old son began dating a girl last year as a sophomore and she a freshman. They dated for 8 months during the school year until she went to camp during the summer, met a boy, and broke up with my son. She did it in a text and my son was blindsided.He was devastated as she was his first girlfriend. It took him a good long time to get over that...lots of crying and self deprecation went on.
When school started back up she texted him, told him she broke up with her boyfriend and how she missed him. Within a week they were back together. It has now been another 5 months. A couple months ago she started texting and hanging with a male friend whom my son is also friends with. My son voiced his displeasure with that situation so they started facetiming behind my sons back. She now has broken up with him again...this time he found out when she changed her status on Instagram. Again...blindsided. But she is still meeting up with this guy even though she insists they're just friends and my son knows it. But this other boy's mom told someone he has a new girlfriend and we know it's her.
Again, my son is devastated ,sobbing, blaming himself for everything just like he did the first breakup. Nothing I say seems to resignate and I am feeling so angry at this girl myself. My husband and i are friends with the girl's parents and we know they dont know the details of either breakup, we only do because our son confides in us during his sobfests.
I just dont know how else to help him, and should I keep the details from her parents or let them know how things really went down. I know they would be disappointed in how she handled things. But to be honest, it would not be for 'revenge' if any are thinking that...just thought it might be a teaching moment for them

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @Kkay69 and welcome to ReachOut

Dating, relationships and breakups are often important times in most teenager's lives. They be filled with both good and bad moments and it can certainly be tricky to support them during those times. ReachOut has an article on Romantic Relationships, including ways to support your son during his break up over here.

As always, it's up to you whether or not you'd like to tell this girl's parents about her behaviour. It's admirable that you're not interested in revenge, as these experiences can absolutely be used as teaching moments and they may even be able to offer you some support around your son, what do you think?

I've also tagged in some other users who may be able to offer some of their fabulous support. 

@sunflowermom @JAKGR8 @Faob_1 @Orbit64 @compassion @Moloko @taokat 

[JAKGR8]

Your poor son.

Heartbreak is tough and Dr Ian Lillico, boys expert, says it will hit boys harder than girls. Girls tend to have a bigger support network for this sort of thing. Your son just needs your love, attention and a good listener. Maybe some gentle questions but no statements. 

A couple of links that might help,

https://www.livestrong.com/article/63440-effects-teenage-breakups/

https://youngmenshealthsite.org/guides/relationships-how-to-deal-with-a-break-up/

Craig Morris, research associate at Binghamton University, says women have more to lose by dating the wrong person, and so are better at accepting a relationship is over and selecting a new partner. So it might make the girl seem more callous but we don’t know her perception.

We never get the whole story, no matter how good our relationships are we don’t see all the body language, hear tone of voice or comments so it could be tricky to bring it up with the girl’s parents.  After all, their first instinct will be to defend her. Maybe sound them out without giving too much away. 

Recently I made myself watch “13 Reasons Why” before I would let my kids watch it. There were lots of concerns about the show but one thing it did well was show how the exact same incident could be viewed so differently from various viewpoints. I try to teach this to my children and keep it in mind when dealing with others, especially teens. It’s nearly impossible to know what they are really feeling or thinking. 

So I haven’t been much help but offer big hugs and hope it gets better soon. 

[sunflowermom]

Hi @Kkay69 

Teen relationships are hard.  I have a daughter and seems like she is only dating the same person for a few months.  My old self would have told her stay away from boys just concentrate on school but I think differently now.  I think this is their time to gain a bit of experience in relationships, how they want to be treated, what they will give and take in a relationship.  This includes the heartbreaks and good times and the boundaries. 

I try to stay out of it as much as possible and just console her when things go wrong.  I don't offer advice- plus she doesn't really ask in this department.  If she does I will be there.  I think this is one of those let them test the waters things. 

My heart goes out to you because I know how helpless it feels  as a parent when our teen is heartbroken and we just want to ease their pain.

[Kkay69]

Thanks for the feedback JA Ro!

[Kkay69]

JAKGR8, You hit the nail on the head...it seems so easy and uncaring the way she just moves on. And my son wears his heart on his sleeve. He goes between grief and anger. But it's so hard for me to just listen without sounding off too. need to work on that
Thanks

[Kkay69]

Sunflowermom, I know he will learn from this but it's so hard to watch. Plus he states he'll never be able to trust any girl again. I certainly dont want that for him as that will complicate future relationships.
It's hard for me to bite my tongue and just listen, but I'm working on it
Thanks!

[JAKGR8]

Good luck.

[gina-Ro]

Kkay69 let us know how you go, and how your son is. 

Breakups are painful