Hi @Zoesplace , so sorry to hear about your daughter being caught in this verbally abusive situation . As a parent this must be so painful for you . I'd want to knock his block off and my husband ... well we won't even go there .
It's so common in relationships to blur the boundaries between what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviour over time . Especially when you have been in a gradually deteriorating relationship for a while , or are just discovering who you are as a young adult , learning to navigate the world and deciding who you are . Teens are vulnerable because they still don't have the life experience to recognise when they are being manipulated or treated with disrespect. It can be a learning curve of a whole lotta hurt before the penny drops and they get indignant and self protective . Using our head rather than our heart is hard at the best of times , even more so for a developing teen . Learning to ask themselves the hard questions and then acting on them takes courage , support and self pride . I am so glad you and her Dad are there for her .
I agree with what everyone has suggested so far . I would add another possibility?
Get her some books on what abusive relationships look like .
There is one called " But he never hit me " by Jill Murray . It's specifically for teen girls . There are plenty of others if that one is too expensive , just google : books teen girls abusive relationships .
Rather than tell her she is in one , ask her what she expects from a relationship ?
Ask her how good relationships are supposed to feel .
Tell her what was important to you in a relationship when you were younger .
Tell her about the reasons you love her Dad .
Tell her what you would not put up with and what felt wrong to you as a dating teen or young woman .
Discuss with her that often women can be unsure of what is ok / not ok and that they sacrifice their self worth sometimes to stay with someone who is only lovely , some of the time .
Discuss with her that arguing is ok and normal but any put downs , abusive language, name calling and emotional manipulation such as " if you loved me you'd ..,, " are all not acceptable EVER . Tell her how this can erode at a woman's self esteem over time and that domestic violence is on a spectrum , and sometimes the escalation can be insidious and incremental until a woman can feel trapped and helpless overtime .
This can all be explored in a discussion with you and her Dad in such a way that she does not feel you are telling her what to do but that you are nutting out thoughts and ideas on what she is entitled to get from her relationship with all people not just this boyfriend .
Maybe suggest the book after you have had this discussion . Tell her you don't want to force her out of this relationship ( this would prove almost impossible and certainly cause a rift ) but you would like her to be well armed and well informed about her needs , boundaries and expectations in ANY relationship she Is in .
Best of luck ! Let us know how you go 😊
Good luck keeping your cool.
