Frustrated with getting our teenagers to do the basics in life without a debate on why we are wrong.

[taokat]

Hi @Valerieb, as @Ngaio-RO said, this is such a common problem with teens, so please know you're not alone! My daughter is the same, and we seemed to go in a cycle of me asking and asking and asking, then getting annoyed, she picks up after herself for a couple of days, then the cycle starts again. It's so frustrating!! 

Her room is digusting, but she doesn't seem to mind it. She'll leave her rubbish and glasses around the loungeroom, then go into her room, leaving everything there for the magical, mystical fairies to wave their wands over. I call her out now and calmly ask her put the rubbish in the bin and and washing up to the sink. She used to leave her towels on the bathroom floor, I became sick of telling her to hang them up, so started putting them in her room. She learnt quickly that she doesn't like getting dried with wet, smelly towels, so she hangs them up now. 

I think your idea of a list of daily and weekly jobs is a great idea. I've done that too, and at least it gives them something physical to see on the wall of what their jobs are. Having discussions around behaviours is a great idea too. I really recommend the parent coaching Ngaio mentioned. I did it a few months ago and the coach can work with you to come up with workable solutions that you can implement right away.

A course I found useful was the Triple P parenting course. Have you heard of it? It might be worth looking in to as well.   

[Ozzie_76]

What a wonderful reply! I fully agree. Oh... and one idea / suggestion for door slamming: take the door off! They can earn the door back. Once they have shown that they can have a door in the room, they can have it back.

[Nancy0115]

I know how that feels  I’ve definitely had challenges with my kids, but something that has worked well for me is to take the time when they make a mistake and use it as a learning opportunity.

In essence, I find out what mistake they’ve made; I often share a story about how I struggled with it; I relate why it’s important to something my kids find important; and then I let my kids talk about how they would do something different and we have a discussion.

I’ve learned more about my two boys in the last 8 months than I thought possible!

[taokat]

Hey @Nancy0115, thank you for your comments. They have been edited as we do not allow websites to be advertised without prior permission. As we're an Australian site, we like to keep our resources local as well. Could I please get you to have a read through the guidelines here.

What are some of the things you've learned about your sons recently. Conversations are an awesome way of getting to know how our kids think isn't it! 

[siennaV11]

Hi Everyone,
Glad I found this forum. I to have a 18 year old daughter. Who does not tidy her room. Leaves the bathroom untidy.
Leaves her glass’s, plates etc all around the house. And doesn’t get out of bed til 10. She will be starting Uni soon and she does have a casual job. I’m asking what are reasonable expectations of a 18 year old? My husband and I are are very fraustrated with the situation. Thanks so much.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @siennaV11,

Thanks for sharing. We are glad to hear that you have found our forum to be helpful. You have mentioned several household chores which are generally reasonable for a 18 year old to complete. That being said, it depends on the context of the situation and what chores she regularly completes. Are these new chores for her? When did you first notice this behaviour? How do you usually address this behaviour?

Regardless, this situation must be quite frustrating for you and your husband. I can imagine that you also might be feeling some level of concern as she is starting university soon which will be an additional responsibility. As you have read, you are not alone and many other parents share this experience with you.

[siennaV11]

Thank you for the reply I really appreciate it. She has never been tidy. I think now I’ve had enough of picking up after her. Her room is always a mess. I deal with it by continually asking. Or doing it myself. She may or may not do it. I get fraustrated and we argue. She does not see what the big deal is. I just want us all to do our part.
We are about to have a talk. So I just wanted to see what is reasonable expectations? And what should be a consequence? I have thought of charging board. But I don’t see how these habits would change. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @siennaV11 , sorry to hear that you feel frustrated at times when your daughter does not pick up after herself or keep areas tidy. I can understand the irritation that comes with needing to clean up after others and their mess. It is quite reasonable for you to want her to also do her part and help with keeping areas around the house clean and tidy. It’s great that you will be having a discussion with your daughter so that you can raise your concerns and discuss these with your daughter and hopefully see some changes.

When it comes to modifying behaviours, it is really important that we are consistent with the reinforcements that are provided. This means that the same reinforcement should be provided when faced with a certain behaviour. For example, when your daughter does clean up after herself, it is important that a positive reinforcement is provided such as recognition of her behaviour by saying “good job” to her. Positive reinforcements are much more effective than punishment as they reinforce desired behaviours and can lead to consistent changes in behaviour. Also, your reaction should be consistent with her behaviour, so if she decides to not clean up after herself, it is best that you try not to clean up after her but instead give her a gentle reminder and provide positive reinforcement when she does clean it up. If you do clean up after her, she may then not be motivated to continue to clean up after herself as she may think that it will be cleaned up whether she leaves it or not.

You might also find talking with your daughter openly about the reasons why you would like her to clean up and pitch in to be helpful as having an open and honest conversation might encourage your daughter to be open with you about why she has found changing her habits to be difficult so far. Changing behaviours can be quite challenging, but it can be done. Hope this helps!