Grown kids moved back home

[Papaa]

I will probably receive a lot of negative feedback from this... but am desperately needing advice and support. This is a very difficult time for me and my and I'm trying to make the best out of it for everyone and getting what seems to be crapped and and yelled at by everyone cause I'm doing nothing right. But here goes
I am a mother of 3 Two girls and a boy. My oldest is 25 (with 3 kids of his own)
My second is 24
Then my baby girl who is 17.
I was diagnosed about two years ago with a chronic disease which has put me unable to work for past two years. My oldest daughter kala moved back home during this time to help and my youngest even picked up a job. Then my son and girlfriend had a falling out and he moved back home. Thank ngd were going good not great but good, but then tension started. My grown kids are trying to give me advice in how to run my house, and raise my youngest. I'll m sure in their own way they are trying to help but how they say and do things are unacceptable. Example... My youngest has been dating a guy for two years. She in school gets good grades and works and pays for her own things. She's a very smart girl and has always been mature for her age. But recently he got out of military (he's only 19) he was injured, moved backed home and him and his mom had a falling out. I could not turn him away, so he stays with us as well. To say the least we have a house full. Do I have the room, no not really. But I will not have kids on the street grown or young if I can help at all. I do have rules, they are not left alone, and I know.... It's not ideal... And I didn't allow it when the oldest two were younger, so I hear that from them about how wrong I am for allowing this, that I must be crazy, that she should be in a regular school 8 hours a day instead of finishing up her senior year online like we choose to do for personal reasons, that I shouldn't be having to drive him to work or pick him up cause he has a mom and should be there, oh there's so much more they stay on me about. They seem to forget, that my son and his three kids that stay there, I help take care, feed, and baby sit, do laundry with all of them... My oldest daughter I have to give rides too and from places because she has lost her liscense. I have let both my son and daughter move back home multiple time with their significant others when they have needed some help. We fight and argue over this stuff all the time, shes gonna get pregnant, she should be in a regular school, she deserves better ( I agree on this but sometimes you have to let them learn that for themselves) and it's putting a huge strain on my family. I know what some are thinking they are grown kids put them out... Well a few things on why I don't
1) they are helping keep our household going since I'm unable to work. I'm currently fighting for disability so have very little income and without them I would not have a roof over my head
2) grandbabies... I could never put their dad in a position where he's struggling to find somewhere for them all to be
3) they're my kids even if grown I want to help them too I just can't put them out
I could tell her no he can't stay then that will push her away probably more into his s arms at least this way shes home I have an eye on her there, God knows once she leaves the house all I can do is pray she makes the right choices.
I just don't know what to do to try and keep peace at our house before it totally ruins our family because it gets really ugly at times.
Looking for advice please. Constructive criticism
Please don't be harsh

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Papaa and welcome to ReachOut Parents- I hope you find this is a supportive community to share your experiences and hear from other parents going through something similar. 

Firstly, I want to thank you for being so honest and open with us about what your family is going through. I can hear how much you love your children and grandchildren- they are very lucky to have your unconditional support and a space to return home when they need some extra help with housing   

It is a really tough situation you are in, where you are trying to do the most good for the most people. Living in a full household can be really tough as everyone brings their own thoughts and ideas to the mix, but it also seems like having everyone at home has been an important step for your housing situation at the moment, and for your kids too. 

My first thought is how generous it has been for you to open your home to your daughter's boyfriend. While it may not be the place you thought he would stay, you have given him safety and the opportunity to keep your daughter in the household while she completes her studies. It sounds like you have also thought through some boundaries with her around the living, which is good to help balance the trust with her so it is a two way street. 

I can see where this is challenging with your other children, and am hearing that their concerns are also for her wellbeing too, but coming from a different perspective. The discussion about whether or not to allow a partner/boyfriend to stay with the family is a topic we have heard recently- @Bnwcbw00 recently posted making some similar decisions here but also from a different perspective. There were some great words of advice on @PapaBill who has also gone through something similar. 

Have you spoken to anyone else outside of your family to get their thoughts?

[Papaa]

After I re read again, I did want to clarify that sleeping arrangements
for daughter and boyfriend are set as well... They sleep in separate rooms.

[Papaa]

I have spoke to others about this, and I get mixed reviews. All in all most say it's my house my rules, and I understand that but at same time, it's still causing such daily crap, Im starting to wonder if worth it.
If I put boyfriend out I will have a completely crushed young lady saying the other two are grown and shouldn't even be at home, and that I'm spending too much time helping them and grand babies and putting her last.
Then If I try telling grown kids that I can't keep doing all this cause it's wearing me down they take it as I'm choosing the boyfriend over my own children... I feel as if I can't win for losing.

[Dad4good]

Hey @Papaa ,

It sounds like a really stressful situation. As @Jess1-RO commented, there are others who have been in a similar situation, so thanks for sharing.

Clearly you have the best of intentions for your children, grandchildren and their partners. That's a truly admirable quality

Its a hard thing to please everyone. Sometimes its simply not possible, and there is nothing you can do that will seem "right" to everyone. And its particularly difficult when you only one person, among many.

Having boundaries in your house is important, and its great to see you have them in place.

It sounds like the demands on you are tacking their toll, and there is only so much you can take. Have you had a conversation with your kids about this? 

Its always difficult when a house is "angry" and everyone feels frustrated. I imagine it would be especially challenging when your not the only adult.

Have you had any positive experiences with any strategies you have tried in the past?