Kids in parents bedroom

[Lovingmom0812]

My husband who is my boy’s (11&7) stepfather has a rule about no kids in the bedroom. He has multiple reasons or excuses why he doesn’t want them in there. I agree with some but not to the extent he does. He thinks if I let them in there occasionally they will try to barge in all the time. He is afraid they will walk in on him changing, go through our stuff, or just make a habit of coming in there when they please. Although they have done well and don’t do this anymore. They knock or don’t bother us at all if the door is shut. He has guns in the bedroom which they don’t know he has and they are hidden, unloaded, and no bullets in bedroom. I respect his “rule” about not letting them in the bedroom 95% of the time. Before I met him 3 years ago they were allowed in my bedroom and we would lay in my bed and watch tv with me and cuddle. Now every other weekend when my husband as at work maybe once a month they come in the bedroom and watch a movie with me. My husband and I recently got in an argument bc of this. He thinks it’s weird for my 11 year old to lay in bed with me bc he is my size. What is his thinking on that. He can’t tell me and just said it looks weird? He is my flesh and blood, my baby, and I don’t see how it’s weird for me to hold my child’s hand occasionally. I mean it’s not like we are spooning. I want to enjoy my son’s wanting to cuddle with me bc I know they will outgrow it. He says we can watch tv anywhere else but I like all 3 of us laying in my king size bed with the big tv cuddling. It’s not the same when your sitting in recliners or whatever. Should I not allow kids in the bedroom since my husband doesn’t agree at all or keep doing what I want to do with my boys when he’s not there. My mom thinks he’s jealous but how can one be jealous when this only happens rarely and when he’s at work?

[JAKGR8]

OOO this is a tricky one. I wonder if your husband is more concerned about the maternal connection being stronger than the couple one? Many biological dads wouldn't have a concern about your sons lying on the bed with you to watch TV and I get why a step parent may struggle with this, especially if he doesn't have bio children of his own. If he doesn't have his own children he may not have experienced the loss of personal space and privacy that most parents do. I reckon this is only understood through experience myself. It's hard to explain how you just give up some of those rights for a while. Is he still getting used to the step parenting role?

Also, he may have been raised in a family that kept similar boundaries. I never went into my parents bedroom without an invitation or an early morning  coffee offering and our kids don't come into ours often either. Not that it is off limits just there are plenty of other spaces to connect. 

Your husband does have a right to a personal space. I imagine he doesn't often wander into the kids rooms or bathroom. As a step parent he has to be much more mindful of all these privacy concerns than we realise. It might really worry him. And maybe he's like my Mum and finds personal affection, or certain types of,  awkward. 

I figure it is important for you to find a compromise that respects both sets of feelings and opinions.  Maybe you can keep what you are doing on the alternate weekends with some definite expectations of the kids in place that appease hubby's discomfort. Maybe put a couple of bean bags on the bed to make it seem like a more lounge room setting or use lots of cushions. I'm not sure if there is a solution but I reckon there is probably a real reason for hubby's position, even if it is old fashioned or unreasonable to you. He is the newish person in the family so it might take him a while to feel comfortable to express deep emotions about parenting.

It's great that you are trying to consider everyone's feelings just sometime impossible. Good luck.

[TOM-RO]

Hey @Lovingmom0812 

Welcome to the forum .  Thank you so much for your post.  I'm sure this issue is something that many parents and step-parents go through so thank you for bringing this up.  It definitely sounds like a tricky situation and I think @JAKGR8 has provided you with some pretty good tips.   I would encourage you to have an open conversation with your husband and hopefully find a middle ground.  As you said, bonding with your children is really important and it won't be long until they grow up, so its important for him to know you feel this way.  Thanks again for your post and keep us updated.

[Lovingmom0812]

After much conversation and tears after y’all’s advice and our mothers we have came to an agreement. He is going to put the guns somewhere else bc that is what will make him feel comfortable mostly. We’ve talked with the kids and made them understand they can only come in the bedroom upon invitation and not to go through our stuff. I’ve got him to understand that no matter how big my 11 year old is he is still a child. He said he wants me to be happy and not resent him for not being able to cuddle with my kids so he caved since it is so important to me. So on occasion I will have them in the bed with me to watch a movie. Another good thing we decided was not to just allow them in our bedroom when he’s not there but when I want to spend time with with them or vice versa as long as the hubby and I didn’t already have alone time planned. His moms advice actually. She believes it will make the kids resent him bc they can only be in bedroom when he’s not around. I really appreciate the feedback I got from you both. We have never had a major argument like this and couldn’t come to an agreement on our own so thank you! Hopefully from this point forward everything will be ok 😊

[Andrea-RO]

Hey @Lovingmom0812, 

That's a really great conclusion, and we are really happy to hear that the conversation went so well! The conclusion you both came to sounds really healthy and well balanced, and it is amazing that you were able to use our community's support in a way that was so beneficial for you and your family. 

Keep us updated!