My teen girl ignores my presence at home

[vig10]

Until recently I was dear daddy to her.

Now , at the age of 14 I am totally ignored at the house.

Any effort to communicate is either ignored or worse.

It happened 3 days ago. I offered an envelope with some money to spend with her friends.

Instead of saying : "Thanks Dad", her room door was slammed at my face and I heard her shouting: "Stop interfering with my life ".

Just before leaving our car some half an hour later to meet her friends, she said: "You neglect me and now bear the consequence".

Again, the car door was slammed.

Me and my wife tried to cool off on a glass of wine, but I think tears might have helped more...  

I am desperate at this point and it affects my mood at home, at work etc...

[Breez-RO]

Hey there @vig10 this sounds incredibly heart breaking. Am I right that it is a very sudden shift towards this sort of behaviour? Is there anything in her life that has happened that you're aware of? Anything new in her friends group/studies/interests? It sounds like your daughter may be dealing with a mix of hormonal changes or potentially a shift that has happened in her personal life. It is a very painful thing remaining patient during the process of puberty, we have a free program Australian residents can access called ReachOut parents coaching which you can read more about here which may help with this experience ongoing

I will tag some other members to gain their feedback.  We're here to listen. 

@taokat @sunflowermom @Schooner @Sister

[sunflowermom]

Hi @vig10

It hurts so much when our children push us away.  Its so confusing- and your probably wondering what is the root of this?  Sometimes I get the door slammed at me too, rude comments for no reason.  I think its because my daughter feels safe doing this to me. Sometimes they hurt the ones they love the most because they know we wills till continue to be there for them no matter what. 

When my daughter does things like what you are describing, I just give her space and let her know I am there if she wants to talk.  But I do also add that its incredibly hurtful to say disrespectful things to me.  Most of the time I would get an apology later.

I know that 14 is a hard age for our daughters and for us as parents.  I liked what @Breez-RO said and remember you are not in this alone.

[vig10]

Thanks for your warm and comforting words.

You know, I feel like crying but being a man I find it hard to shed a tear.

I heard its liberating...

[vig10]

Thanks for that.

Actually I am from Israel so I guess its just forum presence for me and I thank you for this opportunity as well.

[Breez-RO]

@vig10 please do allocate some crying time, it's really therapeutic regardless of gender. I would recommend also giving our friends at Mensline a call (1300 78 99 78). It's free, confidential, staffed by qualified counsellors and 24/7. They have a lot of experience in the area of challenges with children, the role of men within the family dynamic etc. They could be a great addition for support alongside our forum  

[Breez-RO]

Sorry @vig10 I just saw you are from Israel. Unfortunately Mensline are only for Australian residents but feel free to continue to use the forums for online support.  

[Orbit64]

Hi Vig,

It’s not any comfort, however my 15 year old son has been doing this and much worse for the last 12 months. It is tough to get through. 

I can recommend staying close to your partner, talk and support each other. 

Then talk and support each other again. This has been really important for the two of us, to support and try to be consistent in how we deal with what’s going on. 

I wish there was a vaccine for this kind of teenage behaviour. 

Maybe I need to go into medical research?! 

We got to a point with our son where we had tried so many different things, changes to our approach. Nothing has really worked. After hitting brick wall after brick wall with him, we realised we had to look after ourselves though this difficult time. 

I was also quite forthright and honest with my friends and work colleagues with what was going on in our life with our son. I then discovered many of the people I worked with had a variety of difficult situations at home. It has helped us to support and understand each other better. 

Good luck, look after yourself, your partner and know that you have and are doing the best you can with your daughter. 

Regards

Orbit64

[vig10]

Thanks for that.
Yes you are absolutely right.
I noticed consistent downhill in my mood for the last year to a point where I lost apetite, got weak and blacked out one night. My wife found me on the floor with a bruised shoulder
I will definitely try to get back to myself. Maybe try to go back to tennis.
By the way I also share my sorrow at work and it helps.
Thanks again
Vig

[Orbit64]

Hi Vig

I like to maintain a sense of humour, even if it is a bit dark as to what is going on. I try not to go down the path of self pity. I feel it does not help me or those around me. 

Make sure you take time time each day to find some light. 

Even having a good hearty cry helps sometimes. It works well driving in the car. I feel it gets some of the pain out and then I can get on with my day.  

I was taught a little physiological trick years ago. There are nerve receptors in the top of your cheeks that when activated for more than 30 seconds, start to trigger all the good feeling hormones in your brain. Try it. Get the biggest grin on your face, think manical mad person or batmans joker, laugh even though it is fake, with your cheeks raised as high as you can and do it for 30 seconds or more. Then see how you feel. I was taught I do it in the car, if you were walking into a meeting with a person you just did not like. It was a way to trigger all the right subliminal responses that people pick up on without realizing. It also works when you are about to walk into a stressful situation, have a difficult event to attend or you just feel like crap. Even if it does not work, I figure that the person in the next car must think I’m crazy and that makes me laugh even more!

Even small things help.