Pansexual

[jdbza]

I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster that I can't get off. My 14 year old niece has announced to us that she is 'pansexual' as are 3 other of her friends and I've discovered that one of the kids in her year level is going through the processes of a sex change ... I've never come across anything like this before and I have no idea what to do. We are committed Christians as is our niece ... help ...

[Ngaio-RO]

Hi @jdbza Nice to see you back! I hope everything has been ok with you guys.

After reading your post I was reminded of when my eldest was 14 also and she told me her best friend, a male, had just 'come out' as bisexual and she felt that she was too. I was shocked. Purely because I had no idea that sexual activity was on her or her peers' radar. As far as I knew, none of them had engaged in more than kissing yet.

After talking with her I discovered that I had been right, they were not interested in actually having sex yet.  What they were interested in, though, was the freedom to self-determine. They were exploring ways of defining themselves, the same way they do when they change their way of dressing or their musical tastes. And this can be a very difficult time for parents and carers because they tend to either react to the 'loss' of the child or they fear of what the young person's life will be like if they become a particular 'type' of person.

I hear you when you say you feel like you're on a roller coaster and that you have no idea what to do. It can be incredibly confusing. But is there a possibility that you could decide to do nothing and just see what happens for a while?

What do you think?

Also,  click here for a link to some Christian resources that relate to your concerns. I hope you find them helpful.

[LovingThruBlue]

Hi @jdbza. My first thought when I read this is that, at their age the kids could be trying out the term to see how it fits and how others respond. I know a few teens who have done just that and ended up being in loving relationships with someone of the opposite sex.

Of course it is possible that they are in fact right and in that case my response to your question would be ... continue to love her. 

And keep in touch so that we can support you as best we can on this rollercoaster you're on. Many of us are quite familiar with rollercoasters  

[Schooner]

Hi @jdbza,

I had to look up pansexual, never heard that before. I'm a Christian  too (catholic), so I understand your dilemma. For myself I've accepted that people will think differently to me, and I think that's OK if they do no harm, so it doesn't bother me any more.

I know your niece has some troubles. That can drive kids to do some wild things. For me I'd be happy for my kids to hang out with pansexuals (or whatever) as long as they stayed away from drugs and genuine bad guys. It could easily just be a "phase". I know my oldest daughter (20 now) used to seem so sophisticated at 14, she wanted to look like she knew it all. But underneath she was still naive, and vulnerable. As parents we just have to stick with it.

I would have a problem with a sex change at 14, although frankly I don't think that would be easy to get (at least I hope not).

Good luck

[Notperfect]

My 13 year old daughter told me the other night she belongs to some clubs at school. I asked her what type of clubs and she told me that one was for cooking and the other was for kids that had different orientations. I suddenly remembered that she told me a transsexual male starting going to her school at the beginning of the year and she mentioned some kids made fun of him. I told her everyone is there own special person with different thoughts and passions and didn’t realize I had immediately made myself the more approachable parent. To give some background I’m a single dad, and me and her mother have shared custody and I’m lucky enough with my job to be able to take her during the week and not just weekend stuff. She also mentioned that her mother is really unapproachable and will make disparaging remarks on a regular basis. Long story short my daughter informed my she was pansexual, my daughter who I really didn’t think liked me all that much and kinda just spent time with me because she had to. I felt amazing that I would be the only person she would tell. I obviously asked her a few questions because I told her there were things that I didn’t really know about and she explained everything to me. I want to be as supportive as I possibly can to her. The day before she told me this her school therapist mentioned she made mention to being dead on several occasions so I’m really hoping our conversation helped with anything she might have had built up. Just wanted to know if there is anything I need to do or just kinda sit back and wait until she comes to be with anything. I want to be there regardless but also give her space if that makes sense.

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @Notperfect and welcome to ReachOut  

It's fantastic that you have a lovely relationship with your daughter I can see from your post you are a wonderful and supportive father, and it's great that your daughter felt safe enough to open up about her sexuality with you. 

ReachOut has a great article on helping your teenager with coming out that has some suggestions on things you can do to support them. A big thing is to be open and supportive and listen to them, which is something you are already nailing  

You are doing an amazing job so far supporting your daughter. We're always here if you have anymore questions  

[compassion]

@Notperfect

Your post was heartwarming.  In saying that, I don't mean to gloss over or diminish your concerns or questions.  Rather, I say that because your love and regard for your daughter comes through so loud and clear. She is fortunate to have you and so fortunate to feel your unconditional love.  Over and over again, I have read that the presence of even one supportive adult in the life of a sexual or gender diverse youth significantly lowers the chance of depression/suicidal thoughts for that child. It sounds like you're that person for your daughter. 

I don't live in Australia. But, I believe that there is a PFLAG organization in Australia--and there are helpful PFLAG websites run out of the US, Canada... They are an organization that supports parents who are parenting/supporting their LGBTQ+youth.

[Mumma6]

Hi there really need some advice how to approach this,
My daughter came out as gender neutral and pansexual (not an issue I've known for a while she fancied boys and girls) my problem begins when she tells me she's been binding her boobs and she's met a girl from South Korea and they are in love and wants to fly over to meet in person. My daughter is 15 she also wants to change her name it's so much to take in I'm so scared I don't know how to handle this I'm so scared that she'll take off and we will never see her again if I handle this wrong. any advice would be greatly appreciated

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Mumma6,

Welcome to ReachOut Parents, we hope you find this a supportive space with people who understand and can offer a listening ear  It sounds like there is a lot of big things your family are working through, I can imagine that your teen coming out about their gender has raised a lot of questions about change that may feel challenging right now I want to assure you that you are not alone- there are so many parents here going through this journey with their teens too. 

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the incredible trust there is between you and your teen for them to feel confident to come out to you, and share their gender and sexuality. Understanding gender and sexuality happens at different times for each person; some people know from a very young age that they age gender diverse, whereas for others it can take a long time to understand and live the gender they truly are.

It is also really common for families to go through a process of questioning, understanding and adjusting too; it is okay to feel however you feel right now, it is going to take your family time to explore this together. What I am hearing is how resilient and self aware your teen is, and how brave they are to live their authentic self at such a young age. A testament to the supportive environment you have provided them with to come out in

It is very common for people who are understanding their gender to try a new name, or look into their options for their body and transitioning. I think you might find a lot of value in reading this conversation we recently had on our youth forums with an incredibly brave young person who identifies as gender neutral and an expert from the Gender Centre in QLD on the topic of gender. It may help you understand what your teen may be going through, as well as some spaces your family can go for some extra support

You have also mentioned concerns about your teen wanting to move overseas, and your concerns for them. Is this something you have spoken to your teen about? What are your initial thoughts about how you will approach this?