Concerned about leaving grandparents alone with my baby

[Cloudy]

Hello,

I have a problem because my partner would like and keep asking to let his parents looking after our baby since his born. But I totally refuse.
First because I am looking after my baby and don’t need help or break.
Second and most important because I don’t trust them at all. I see the way they looking after my brother in law kids. I saw them give adult cutlery to play with. I saw them insult of little bi*** to the little girl, I saw them let them run outside on winter without jacket, I saw them don’t bring the kids who’s obviously sick to the Gp even after three weeks of being sick, I saw them don’t go to the kids room at night time because they listen the tv so loud that they can’t hear anything, I heard that they baptised the kids on the behalf of the parents. They called the social worker to complain about the mother kids for no reason then try to adopt them the same week. I heard them said they wish that they never leave the house and wish to be the parent of they younger son kids even that they knows the younger son a good parent.
When I was breastfeeding they would give awful advice that I didn’t even ask them anything: like they suggest me to drink dark beer to increased milk, to put a dummy in whisky, or to let my baby cry or said that it was stupid to hold my baby in my arms...
My partner father don’t even like me and keep insulting me and my partner just pretend he didn’t hear anything or even just said that parents are angel and perfect and that they can do whatever they want even at our house.
Last time they came before the virus, I said to his mother to not put her finger in his eyes and use the water for eyes that we brough, and the first things she did not even ten min later was to rub my baby’s with her finger.
If I have to let my baby with them I’m afraid he will be not safe because they do what they want and wouldn’t follow any of my decision as a mother of my baby.

Now I know they have money and huge family who can agree with everything and lie for them.

I don’t have any family here in Australia or even money and they know that.

I think they most scary part it’s my partner who act like totally a robot like he owned them the world and for that reason agree on everything they said, he’s own parents doesn’t even respect him. His father make fun of him all the time and insult him and he just laugh and pretend it’s okay. My partner keep push me and force me to see them even on the corona virus time. Last time he said i was rude to not going stay with them for a week even the country was in confinement and they parent had at they house the other grand kids who has like they said “ a very bad cold” and my partner said I wasn’t nice to not going visit them!

So if anyone has advise or tips or know if I can legally do something.

Thanks

[Janine-RO]

Hi @Cloudy , 

That sounds like a really tough situation with your parents in law, do you mind if I ask how old your baby is? It sounds really frustrating having people give you advice that could be unsafe like putting a dummy in whiskey, parenting has definitely changed a lot over the last 40 years and I think you're totally within your rights to be firm about your boundaries, especially when it comes to safety. 

It sounds like your partner may need to set some strong boundaries with his family- have the two of you had many discussions about that at all? It may be helpful to have a discussion about what things would be non-negotiable for you if his parents were to look after your child (for example not swearing, not leaving the baby to cry). But ultimately if you don't feel comfortable leaving your child in their care, that is okay too. Do you think shorter visits could help you feel more comfortable with them? 

Another service that could be helpful if you feel like it could be useful to talk this over with an experienced counsellor is parentsline, you can reach them on 13 22 89, from 8am to midnight, 7 days of the week 

[Cloudy]

Hello Janine,

My baby is eight month old. With my partner we have many discussions about it and he just deny everything he saw them do or said. So it’s a bit of a dead end.
Sometimes with my partner we do agree on how we want things done or how educate our baby and as soon we are with his parents he kinda change his mind on whatever we agree on. So I’m confused and don’t understand my partner behaviour.
Because we live few hours away from them, when they visit us it’s for a couple of days and when we visit them it’s the same too. I usually make sure I am in the same room if they want to hold my baby.

Ps: when my baby was not even three months old his mother wanted that I let a three years old hold my baby. Of course, I said no. And again he said I wasn’t nice.

Thanks for the phone number, I will try call.

[Bre-RO]

Hey @Cloudy just checking in to see if you gave the hotline a call and how you're going with the situation you're in. I thought I'd also link you to a website called Raising Children's Network here which has lots of resources on parenting. 

[SeafoamGreen]

What a nightmare! I'm so sorry you're in this situation. In all honesty, family is family though and they do sound like great people, maybe just a bit rough around the edges.

As a child my husband Mel apparently was left alone for long periods of time with access to various this that are unsafe for kids to play with. He told me all this and how he feels it made him a stronger person. That's obviously not true as he is a liar. BUT there may be SOME truth to it.

The "it builds character" excuse is tired and trite but perhaps sitting down with these people and expressing your concerns while talking it out could be beneficial.

Much love.