Lost

[Sandee]

Hello not sure where to begin really. Have 16yr old son who has over the last 2 or so years been , vaping, taking off not telling us where he is, smoking weed daily, drinking, school refusal, verbal abuse, property damage and now not communicating to us at all.

My husband and I have been trying everything there is . The soft approach the hard approach nothing helps. We have engaged services for us including Parentline, Headspace, Psychologist, Lifeline and im sure there are more for advice. We have gotten our son to see a Psychologist a few times over the last 2 yrs although if they dont tell hi what he wants to hear he wont go. We got him into the school he wanted to go to as his mates go there this year but when he goes which isnt always he doesn't do the work. He has explosive outburst the things dont go his way. I have learned and my husband to change our whole parenting style. I am using I understand I hear your going thru a hard time, I would like to help , We are here if you need us but nothing is working. He recently got another part time job and has been going on and off to school ( goes but doesnt do the work so is failing) but has been going to his job for a few months now. Lots of things have happened recently but the latest is what im just unsure about. He wont speak to us at all. He says he hates us but hates his Dad more than anything. There has been nothing that has happened. He doesnt like rule so we all agreed on some easy boundaries and that would give him an allowance. We had stopped that as the boundaries stopped months ago. If he needs something he will text me . Thats the only way I can communicate with him unless he wants too. If my husband says Hi to him he tells him to F off get the F away and shut the F up. He was at work last Friday night and he called me before his shift finished saying that some guy had come in asking for him. He was in a state of panic saying he was going to get killed . He said the guy wanted to know what time he finished. I remained calm and told him his Dad would come and get him. My husband got there and the guy had left. My son was so rude to my husband . Anyway when my son got home he told me that he isnt safe. I asked do you know what has happened and he said no it's just where we live.( dot want to mention the name). He said he now cant go to school or work because if they can find him at work then they can find him at school. He said he wants to move back interstate. I tried to make some suggestions he just told me I was a stupid idiot and walked off. I tried to reach out via text saying I can see you are really scared and I understand. I would love to chat a bit more to see if we can work something out. No reply, So now he isnt going to school and wont go back to work. He stays up in his room and comes down to eat dinner once I text him it's ready. He is very happy and laughing when playing his games on his comp with his friends . I feel sadly his choices and the way he acts has caught up with him and he has offended people that clearly dont want to put up with it.He is always blaming everyone else for anything that he does that doesn't go well . Packing up and moving isnt ideal as it would be financially hard. I also dont think living in your room is healthy either. He is very defiant and when he talks to you it's like he is ready for a fight. I dont know what way to go as I feel I am trying to communicate with him but im not getting anywhere. Im really struggling . I often am full of nausea and anxiety . This has been going on for so long now and I know everyone says you are doing all you can but why do I feel like im not. Im sorry if this sounds all over the place

[Bel_RO]

Hey @Sandee , 

Welcome back to ReachOut! I am so glad to hear from you again. I’d like to start off by acknowledging you and your husband's resilience, perseverance and ongoing support for your son. I can see that together you have made changes to your parenting style and have attempted to connect with various support and crisis services. I can imagine how taxing this all must be for you both and really hope you and your husband can see that your incredible parents, trying your best to support your son, even though it may not feel like it at times. 

It sounds like things improved with your son after changing schools but now, he won’t complete his work at school. I am wondering if the school has tried to support your son with this issue? I can also see that your son has seen a psychologist a few times within the past 2 years. Is your son still in contact with the psychologist?  

From your post, I can hear that you are significantly overwhelmed with your son's ongoing behaviour and reluctance to seek help or communicate. While it is completely understandable and valid for you and your husband to be feeling this way, it is also important to ensure your wellbeing is kept in balance. So, I am interested to know what active support you and your husband are receiving? I also truly admire your efforts to connect with support and crisis services for advice and support. Did you find these services helpful at all? 

An email was also sent out to you, so please keep an eye out for that! 

I look forward to hearing from you soon.