Blended Family - Causing anxiety!

[dmer21]

I have a partner who has 2 boys to different mothers. The 5 year old lives with us fulltime and the 11 year old with his mother and we see him every school holidays. We also have a 2 year old daughter together.

When we first got together (we'd known eachother for 10 years or so before hand), the now 5 year old was with his mum half and dad the remaining half. His ex was always in some sort of trouble qhether it be cars, moving, anything really, and my partner always helping out where he could for the sake of his son. I was never ok with this However his son meant the world to him so I accepted... one night she didn't show up and we get a call from the police saying she's been arrested and will be going to jail. She's gone off and had 2 other children and abandoned her son since.
This son has all sorts of issues as I'm sure is understandable given his early years however he yells at you instead of talking, interrupts every conversation, wails when he doesn't get his way or will persevere until he does (my partner usually gives in at the 20th request) he's always touching my partner and our daughter and sometimes inappropriately which I have absolutely no tolerance for no matter if it is innocent or not. He almost suffocates everyone with his presence. He is extremely hard to be around and is causing me some real anxiety to a point where I'm taking medication and seeking counselling. My partner says that I just need to chill out and let him be a kid. And the problems lie with me and I need to sort it out.
I'm so confused as to whether it really is me that's the problem here and this is just what kids do at that age etc. I'm struggling big time and I'm ready to take my daughter and leave, but mostly for fear of her taking on all his traits!

[Portia_RO]

Hi @dmer21 ,

First off, I want to say that I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through with your partner's son. It sounds as though you're trying to be supportive and understanding of what he has been through with his mother, but that his behaviour has become really overwhelming for you. I'm sorry that things have escalated to this point, but I'm really glad to hear that you're putting some strategies in place like talking to a counsellor to look after yourself. 

From what you've said, it doesn't sound as though your partner sees a problem with his son's behaviour, which is really tough. Does your partner know how significantly this situation is impacting your mental health? 

I can completely understand your confusion here, @dmer21, and I want to reassure that it's okay to feel a bit suffocated and overwhelmed by your partner's son's behaviour. Feeling this way doesn't mean that you don't care deeply for your partner and his kids, it may simply reflect a difference in parenting styles and different opinions on what behaviour is acceptable. You mentioned that you're feeling ready to take your daughter and leave at the moment, which shows me just how much you are struggling. In an ideal world, how would you like to see this situation be resolved? What would you need from your partner and his son? 

[dmer21]

Thankyou for your response!
Yes you are correct in saying that my partner does not see an issue with his behaviour, he does see that it's taken a toll on me in all areas and has encouraged me to sort out my issues in dealing with it. In an ideal world, I would prefer he seek an assessment for adhd as he tends to display almost all of the symptoms and then go from there.