Don't know what to do as everything fails ultimately.

[demelza]

Narcissist Ex cannot handle me Posting anything on Facebook that tags our Adult Daughter as he gets jealous. This upsets me no end as it seems I am not allowed to enjoy my Relationship with my own Daughter and he has to ruin that too. Feels like any piece of happiness in my Life when it comes to my Children is/was often taken away by him. 

He has succeeded in Brainwashing our Son, (whom I hardly ever see and yet he visits his Father for Dinner once every Week). 

Our Son did tell me that he feels Sorry for his Father because he lives on his own and has nobody else. 

Our Son (when he does come for Visits on Birthdays and Christmas) often comes out with sarcasm directed towards me, and I hear this disapproval and where it has been planted from just by the things our Son says. 

Narcissist Ex does not treat our Son as badly as he at times treats our Daughter, does not insult him the same, or threaten him. 

Always blames me for Distance between himself and our Daughter, when really it is because he treats her poorly and nothing she ever does seems right. 

He did the same when they were Children, (not wanting to spend time with him after our Separation) and always has. 

Any times anything has ever gone wrong in their Lives? its always my Fault of course. 

He is wrong about me and my Life and my Relationship with our Children, but tells anyone who will listen Lies and Fabrications about me. They all Believe it, especially his younger Brother who is just as bad in his Relationships with his own Children but he has to interfere in Mine!!

Our Daughter has regularly Visited her Father once a Week, (occasionally more) plus he regularly contacts her by phone, and she is roped into doing Housework or other stuff for him often. 

He offers no credit for her Efforts in their Relationship, and if she fails to visit for some valid reason, (whether because of him, scheduling, time or other Responsibilities), he will insult her, threaten her and then when she reacts he blows it up into a big Drama once again and blames her Reaction for this. 

He uses his Brother as his favorite Flying Monkey, and our Son too.

So, his Brother has been adding insult to injury by messaging our Daughter and insinuating that it is my fault this is all happening again. 

As does her Narcissistic Father. 

This happens every 3 months, sometimes less. It has been happening regularly for 25 years, only it used to me be that he targeted, dragging me through the Courts to try and win Custody by playing the game of he was a Better Parent. He didn't win, so gave up that Fight only to start another. 

I feel like I cannot Win either. Wonder if I moved to the other side of the World would he be happy?

If I died, would he be happier?  Then he would have them all to himself!!

If I moved to the other side of the World, I would then be in more pain because I would see my Children being hurt yet again and I would not be able to provide proper comfort when needed. Dying would be even worse but I do contemplate it sadly. 

Our Daughter is finally pregnant (currently 18 weeks), and her Father is being an absolute **bleep** yet again. She did not fall pregnant easily, it was through the IVF process which is not an easy one. She also has had a lot of Health issues for someone so young and I feel for her so. 

She has a Stressful Job, but handles this well despite being Pregnant, but the Stress of her Father is impacting on her heavily and i am so upset and Angry over this, I feel like giving him a piece of my Mind but I cannot. 

Currently, she has Apologized to her Father for the mild things she said in comparison to his Insults and threats, and she has asked for an Apology from him, which he refuses to give as always. She has left things at a standstill and said she will take a break from him, and her Partner confirmed this to her Father just 2 days ago. 

And yet she still feels Guilty for this, especially because of Christmas being only 2 weeks away, and because he has nobody but his Dog and his Brother and his Brothers Wife, who is on the Verge of Divorcing his Brother but also cannot be trusted. They are all big Pot Smokers, which I have always known was part of their Problem, (pardon me for being so forward about this) but in my experience heavy users are Drug Addicts too. 

What do you think? 

[Taylor-RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @demelza, thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like your ex has had a massive impact on you, your children and your relationships with them. It must be so difficult to have endured that for 25 years, including a court case - you have been through so much. I am wondering if you have ever attended counselling? It might help you to process what has happened and the ongoing conflict that you seem to be dealing with. It sounds like it is and has been really stressful and upsetting for you.

A lot of people experience guilt when placing boundaries but that is something that can improve with time, practice and even counselling. If your daughter is struggling with boundaries, it might be helpful for her to chat to a counsellor to ease some of the stress that she is experiencing right now. It is definitely her choice whether or not she wants to spend Christmas with her father. Just so you know, I have sent you an email if you could please have a read

[Taylor-RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @demelza, thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like your ex has had a massive impact on you, your children and your relationships with them. It must be so difficult to have endured that for 25 years, including a court case - you have been through so much. I am wondering if you have ever attended counselling? It might help you to process what has happened and the ongoing conflict that you seem to be dealing with. It sounds like it is and has been really stressful and upsetting for you.

A lot of people experience guilt when placing boundaries but that is something that can improve with time, practice and even counselling. If your daughter is struggling with boundaries, it might be helpful for her to chat to a counsellor to ease some of the stress that she is experiencing right now. It is definitely her choice whether or not she wants to spend Christmas with her father. Just so you know, I have sent you an email if you could please have a read

[demelza]

Hi Taylor-RO

Thanks for your Reply, and yes, I will look into this Counselling thing once again and go back to it, even if online instead. 

My Daughter has once again opted to Forgive her Father, largely because he only left her alone for a few Days and she doesn't want any further Conflict with him. I have advised her that if this is her Choice, to keep Forgiving him, then she needs to put Boundaries and Things in Place to protect Herself, Her Unborn and her Partner. 

I have also stated that I will have to do the same as it has taken a Lifelong Toll on me and continues to do so, quite apart from the Every Day Stresses of Life or anything else Major One might be dealing with.

Thanks again Taylor..

[Janine-RO]

Hi @demelza , 

It sounds like such a difficult situation for you, and for your daughter.  Setting boundaries in these types of situations can be incredibly hard, but it sounds like you're setting a really good example for your daughter there. Pregnancy can be a really vulnerable time, and it's great that you are encouraging her to set firm boundaries with her father and giving her support when she needs it. 

If your daughter feels like she could use some extra support, PANDA are a great organisation that specialise in supporting women's mental health during pregnancy and they have a free helpline, you can find their website here.

I'm sorry to hear that your ex partner's behaviour continues to take a big toll on you, it sounds like you have been through a lot and that's really understandable, it sounds like counselling could be really helpful in giving you some extra support  

If there's ever times when you feel like you are in crisis and are wanting to talk to someone straight away, there are some great free helplines that you can call - Lifeline is on 13 11 14, and they also offer online chat services here, the suicide callback service is also a great one, you can find them on  1300 65 94 67 or at https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

[heather1974]

Hi,

I just want you to know you are not alone. My ex was a narcissist and continues to manipulate and hurt our children. I have tried distance (2 hours) and helping them set boundaries and attend counseling/psychiatrist as well as see them myself. It is so tough to see your children suffer (i submitted another post in a chat I started). It is important to know that you are not alone in struggling with this and that is why this forum is so helpful for me to vent. The responses you have received have had some great resources. I would encourage you to take time to take care of yourself and have some quiet moments where you can just breathe and take a break from the agony of all of this. I know how this feels and it is overwhelming. Support groups can be helpful if you have access to any in person groups for parents or for surviving narcissism in a relationship. There is a great book that I have found helpful. It is called "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" and I had a therapist suggest this book for me years ago. It is out of print but you can find used copies online. It is validating to hear about the patterns of narcissists and how they affect you and your children and it just helped me with information and learning how to observe the unhealthy tactics and abuse of a narcissist in your life. 

Continue to talk to others. Know that you aren't alone. Get as much help as you need because above all, this is overwhelming and has been affecting your life for so long. The effects of long term stress are many. It helps me to know I am not alone and to tell my story as you have done. You have done a wonderful job navigating all of this. Give yourself the credit and self love that you deserve. Stand in the mirror and tell yourself how strong you are. Take the time to walk in a park and breathe and process all of this, even if its for 5 minutes. Find positive outlets that you and your children can engage in without the interference of their father. 

I know this is tough and I wish you the best in your fight through this. You are doing a great job. You are a great parent. 

---

@demelza wrote:

Narcissist Ex cannot handle me Posting anything on Facebook that tags our Adult Daughter as he gets jealous. This upsets me no end as it seems I am not allowed to enjoy my Relationship with my own Daughter and he has to ruin that too. Feels like any piece of happiness in my Life when it comes to my Children is/was often taken away by him. 

He has succeeded in Brainwashing our Son, (whom I hardly ever see and yet he visits his Father for Dinner once every Week). 

Our Son did tell me that he feels Sorry for his Father because he lives on his own and has nobody else. 

Our Son (when he does come for Visits on Birthdays and Christmas) often comes out with sarcasm directed towards me, and I hear this disapproval and where it has been planted from just by the things our Son says. 

Narcissist Ex does not treat our Son as badly as he at times treats our Daughter, does not insult him the same, or threaten him. 

Always blames me for Distance between himself and our Daughter, when really it is because he treats her poorly and nothing she ever does seems right. 

He did the same when they were Children, (not wanting to spend time with him after our Separation) and always has. 

Any times anything has ever gone wrong in their Lives? its always my Fault of course. 

He is wrong about me and my Life and my Relationship with our Children, but tells anyone who will listen Lies and Fabrications about me. They all Believe it, especially his younger Brother who is just as bad in his Relationships with his own Children but he has to interfere in Mine!!

Our Daughter has regularly Visited her Father once a Week, (occasionally more) plus he regularly contacts her by phone, and she is roped into doing Housework or other stuff for him often. 

He offers no credit for her Efforts in their Relationship, and if she fails to visit for some valid reason, (whether because of him, scheduling, time or other Responsibilities), he will insult her, threaten her and then when she reacts he blows it up into a big Drama once again and blames her Reaction for this. 

He uses his Brother as his favorite Flying Monkey, and our Son too.

So, his Brother has been adding insult to injury by messaging our Daughter and insinuating that it is my fault this is all happening again. 

As does her Narcissistic Father. 

This happens every 3 months, sometimes less. It has been happening regularly for 25 years, only it used to me be that he targeted, dragging me through the Courts to try and win Custody by playing the game of he was a Better Parent. He didn't win, so gave up that Fight only to start another. 

I feel like I cannot Win either. Wonder if I moved to the other side of the World would he be happy?

If I died, would he be happier?  Then he would have them all to himself!!

If I moved to the other side of the World, I would then be in more pain because I would see my Children being hurt yet again and I would not be able to provide proper comfort when needed. Dying would be even worse but I do contemplate it sadly. 

Our Daughter is finally pregnant (currently 18 weeks), and her Father is being an absolute **bleep** yet again. She did not fall pregnant easily, it was through the IVF process which is not an easy one. She also has had a lot of Health issues for someone so young and I feel for her so. 

She has a Stressful Job, but handles this well despite being Pregnant, but the Stress of her Father is impacting on her heavily and i am so upset and Angry over this, I feel like giving him a piece of my Mind but I cannot. 

Currently, she has Apologized to her Father for the mild things she said in comparison to his Insults and threats, and she has asked for an Apology from him, which he refuses to give as always. She has left things at a standstill and said she will take a break from him, and her Partner confirmed this to her Father just 2 days ago. 

And yet she still feels Guilty for this, especially because of Christmas being only 2 weeks away, and because he has nobody but his Dog and his Brother and his Brothers Wife, who is on the Verge of Divorcing his Brother but also cannot be trusted. They are all big Pot Smokers, which I have always known was part of their Problem, (pardon me for being so forward about this) but in my experience heavy users are Drug Addicts too. 

What do you think? 

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